Smiling In Everything

Sadie—

Tears are messy.

They stain your skin, your clothes, and make your eye make-up run down your face. Which, in turn, you then smear when you try to wipe your face clean, which makes you cry harder in frustration because you just can't win.

It's a vicious cycle, and it's a cycle I've been endearing since I returned home from the venue exactly thirty minutes ago, to the dot.

It was quiet in my house; just me and the silence. The solitude of my walls and the beeping of the timer on my microwave every time it turned to a new half-hour. Just me and my lonely heart, my lonely, beating, confused heart, and the conflicting thoughts inside of my head. I didn't know where to begin, so instead, I cried.

And it wasn't the pathetic, small crying.

It was that full-on streaming, wrecking, sob-filled crying that was labeled as hysterical. And that's exactly what I was. And I didn't have anyone to lean into during this.

I hug my knees to my chest, burying my face in my legs, the snot from my nose running down onto my gray sweatpants. Damn. I had just bought them last week too. I sniffle a bit to stop the river coming from my nose, but that didn't help.

I once again reach for a tissue, blowing into it.

Then I grab another, hastily wiping under my eyes.

Why was this happening to me? Everything was fine; my crush on Alex had been hidden and mine and Jack's relationship was stronger than ever. And then, the worst of the worst had happened. Alex proposed to his girlfriend and everything just began falling apart. An engagement is supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart. And that's exactly what is happening to Jack and I.

Even he's been acting off since the engagement. He's been almost distant. Surely I'm not just making it up. Every once in awhile I'll catch him looking at me different; like, a look that told me nothing, but everything at the same time.

Sometimes, I'll see him hold onto his pants pocket for too long, like he's either checking to make sure he hadn't forgotten something or hadn't lost something. It unnerved me, but I knew I was looking too far into it. Maybe this is just a hard time because his best friend is settling down. The best friend I happen to hold feelings for.

This set off a new, fresh wave of tears, both hot and cold as they fell from my eyes and created a lake on my face, damping my flesh as I gasped for air.

I felt my chest tighten and my shoulders shaking. My throat began to close.

Wha-? I began coughing for air as the tears streamed thicker, running down my cheeks and dripping off my chin, and moistening my lips so that I tasted them on my tongue. I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to find oxygen.

Then, as if I had a guardian angel, someone was there, hugging me into their body.

I didn't know who it was, my eyes were squeezed shut as I tried to breathe, but their arms circled me like a vice, warm and protective. I leaned into them instinctively, not even caring if it was Hitler or Mussolini. All that mattered was that I had someone to depend on at that moment; the moment that I was at my most vulnerable and most weakest. Like an an anchor to hold me down at sea as I tried to steer my ship back in route.

Whoever it was, the person smelled nice and had a nice grip as they held me into them, my body shaking against their strong, firm hold. I didn't complain as they smoothed my messy hair down with their hand. And they didn't complain as my tears and mascara and eyeliner smeared into their sleeve.

"Shh" was whispered into my ear, lovingly, caressing my drums and soothing my pounding heart. "Shh, it's gonna be okay. I promise."

The voice was so warm and comforting, wrapping me up like a cocoon.

When I was finally finished with my tears, the flood stopping like a gate had come down, I gasped for air, drinking in as much as I could. I sniffled a couple times, tightening my fists that were curled into the shirt of the person holding me.

It was silent as we just sat there, my tears long gone, as the person rocked me gently back and forth, soothing me in a way that no one has done before.

Finally, when my throat was dry and willing to talk, I speak quietly. "I just—"

"You don't have to explain," he answers, my shock revealing that I wasn't surprised at all to realize who was holding me. "I understand that there's a lot on your shoulders right now." His hand gently rubbed my upper arm, his touch setting off small fireworks along my flesh.

I look up at Alex, my tear-stained face meeting his. "How can you stand to look at me right now? A crying, blubbering mess of a girl?"

He smiles softly. "Because when you love someone, you accept everything about them." His finger pushes a piece of hair out of my eyes, my eyelids fluttering at his gentle touch. "Warts and all."

I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't bring myself to. "Why are you here?"

I push away from him gently, not wanting to seem like I was repulsed by leaning into him. I wanted nothing more then for him to hold me forever. "I wanted to talk to you," he replies quietly, settling for taking hold of my hand. He looks down at my upturned palm, one of his fingers reaching out to trace over the indents there in my skin, shivers greeting my spine as he did so. "About the song."

A swallow gets caught in my throat. "The song," I repeat slowly, my heart thudding in my ears at a deafening volume. Alex looks over at me, smiling small in assurance. "What about the song?"

He was quiet for a few moments, his finger still tracing. "What did you think of it?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well," he clears his throat, removing his finger and instead twining our fingers together, my heart thumping in pride, "did you like it?"

I open my mouth, not sure of what to say. So I freeze, my jaw propped, as I try to think of an answer. Finally, I blow out a breath, wiping at my wet face with the back of my hand. "Yes and no," I reply, my hand tightening over his. He squeezes back.

"What do you mean yes and no?"

"I mean, that I loved it," I tell him, his smile opening from ear to ear. "But...the guilt that you brought along with it..."

He nods, frowning a tad. "I can understand that. Listen—"

"No," I stand up, my feet a bit unstable, but I keep my composure. "Please, let me finish." Alex hesitates, but nods to let me continue, his face reluctant. "I love Jack. I know I do." At this, I noticed Alex flinch. "But...it's almost like an obligation. Like a duty. Like being his girlfriend is a job and not a pleasure for me anymore."

"Exactly!" Alex says, jumping up to come over and stand in front of me. "That's how I feel it is with Rein. It isn't in depth and full of feelings anymore. But that's what I feel like with you."

"But I can't break up with Jack," I add, my voice hoarse. I lick over my dry lips.

Alex's brows scrunch. "But...you just said—"

"He loves me," I cut in, "and I'd be damned to rip that away from him. I know that I can still feel for him the way that I used to. And the way that I do about you." He opens his mouth, but I quickly interrupt. "Alex, I've wanted for you to act on your feelings for two years. And now that you finally have...it couldn't have come at the worse time. You're engaged to a great girl that you've been dating for 12 months. And my relationship with Jack was escalating. And now that you're taking your relationship to a new level, I can feel Jack pulling away. And a part of me doesn't want that."

"That doesn't make sense," Alex speaks before I could cut in again. "You just said that you didn't feel anything when you're with him. Yet, you are going to stay with him out of...fucking sympathy?"

"It's not sympathy," I snap, my voice sharp. "I know I love him. I know I do."

"No, you don't!" Alex returns, his voice desperate. "Sadie, you don't look at him the way you used to. Even the band knows the ties between you two are severed." I go to protest, but he grabs my hand, pressing my palm against his chest. "Do you feel that?"

"Your heart?" I ask incredulously. "Of course. You're human."

"Exactly," he breathes. "I'm human and I love you." My breath catches, my heart racing. "And I know you love me. You've admitted it."

I gulp down my tears. "But I also love Jack."

"No, you don't," he responds firmly, tightening his grip on my hand when I try to pull it away from his heart. "I'm not trying to force you to not love him. But you and I both know your feelings for Jack are gone."

I wanted to cry in irritation; not just because Alex was saying these things, but because I knew he was right in everything he said.

My feelings for Jack had dissipitated.

I rip my arm away from him, my breathing shaky. "Please leave, Alex."

His eyes widen, his mouth turning down. "Wha—?" he asks, a gulp catching his throat. "Why?" I hear him take a deep breath, his head shaking. "Sadie—"

"Please."

Alex shuts his mouth, his jaw clenching. He takes a step away from me, his eyes full of an inexplicable sadness. I wanted to cling on to him, hold him into me, but I didn't. He turns on his heel and walks away, the sound of my front door shutting moments later.

I was left in the quiet again, the only sound being my shallow breaths and my heart pumping so loud that I felt as if my ears were about to give out.

Then, before I could stop myself, I'm sprinting toward the door.

"Alex!" I call, flinging the door open, my hand almost slipping on the knob. "Alex, wait!"

He was halfway down my driveway, but he stops cold when he hears me call out his name. There were a few tense moments as I wait for his response, any movement whatsoever to indicate that he heard the desperation and want and need in my voice. Finally, he turns slowly, his gaze connecting with mine, as if the twenty or so feet between us didn't even matter. Then I was walking forward, and he was running up to meet me.

We collide with each other on my front porch, our bodies molding like two puzzle pieces finally being clicked together after hours of trying to find the match. Our lips locked and our eyes shut tight as his arms crushed me into him.

It was like my world tied back together, everything piecing as our kiss deepened, teeth nipping, tongues caressing, and lips meshing.

It was beautiful and messy and just absolutely perfect. And then he was backing me up into my house, his foot reaching out behind him to slam the door shut. We were clumsily moving through the house, banging into walls without noticing and snagging on corners as we turned down hallways.

We eventually made it to the guest room, since it was downstairs and it was faster and easier.

He falls on top of me on the bed, peeling his face off mine to connect our eyes. My heart was pounding behind my rib cage, a tempo and a metronome to the beat of every move we made.

His eyes were dilated and his pink lips were swollen. His hands trailed down and up again, touching every inch of my body. I lick over my mouth, reaching up to tangle my fingers in his brown locks. I pull him back down as his hands clamp down on my hips, pulling my lower body up to meet his lower body. A groan fell from his mouth as our lips collide again.

Clothes were removed and limbs became entangled as Alex took me with him to a whole other place; a place that I hadn't even discovered about myself. Not even with Jack. Not with anyone. A place where it was just me and Alex.

Floating in the abyss of bliss where there wasn't a care in the world.