Smiling In Everything

Jack wasn't at the house.

I mean, it's not like I expected him to be. A small part may have been hoping he would be there, just so I could explain my side of the story, but he was nowhere to be seen when I stumbled inside. I had walked all the way here, the sky now pitch black and full of stars. My face was crusted with black eyeliner and mascara from all my tears, also smudged on the back of my hands from repeatedly wiping my cheeks and under my eyes.

I was still sobbing, my eyes dry since I finally ran out of tears. But my throat refused to be quiet, releasing disgusting noises and loud hiccups. I felt as if someone had reached down my throat, broke through my esophagus, and squeezed my heart until it burst.

I felt like a hole had been punched in my soul.

My fingers somehow find the lights to the living room as I switch them on, my chest caving in as I fall onto the couch, curling into myself, as if this would help the gaping cavern that is now my heart.

I screwed it all up.

After everything, I didn't think we would actually get caught. Let alone me announcing it in front of God and everyone at the rehearsal dinner. Now Jack, Alex, Rein, and everybody else associated with the wedding hates me and they don't even know why I did it or my side of the story. I won't ever get a chance to explain myself. They will never let me.

I give another cry at this as I pull a pillow into my chest, biting down on the cloth as I scream into the fabric. Why couldn't I just disappear? Just get smaller and smaller until I wink out of existence? I'm pretty sure no one would care if I did.

Because after tonight, people would probably cheer if I just killed myself.

Alex—

"So it's true then?" Rein screeches, wiping at her running make-up again. I wince at her shrill voice as I stand there lamely, letting her attack me. "You really slept with her? You cheated on me with Sadie?"

I nod, exhaling shakily. "But only once."

"It still happened!" she screams, picking up a vase beside her and throwing it. I duck just in time, the glass exploding behind me. My throat went dry as the reality hit me like a slap in the face. Everything was over. The wedding was done. Jack was gone. Sadie was broken. I was alone with no one. "You don't just sleep with someone and say 'oh it was only once!' You cheated Alex, when I've been nothing but faithful!"

"I know!" I shout back, glad that everyone from the rehearsal dinner had left after Sadie's confession. It was just Rein and I left in the church to argue. "I cheated! But it's not like I killed your grandmother! I didn't shove my penis into some random girl. I slept with a girl I love and a girl I want to spend my life with."

Her face went pale, her lips grimacing so hard they turned white. "You...you really love her? You love Sadie?" She pauses, a tear trickling as her bottom lip trembled. "Like she loves you?"

My heart stops beating for a few seconds. "Yes."

She gives out a cry that was heartbreaking, it tore my entire body apart. I close my eyes and try to imagine this was all a dream. But it wasn't. Because the minute Rein reached up and slapped me, I knew it was all painfully real. I had to clench my teeth from making a noise before Rein takes a deep, deep breath.

"I didn't think I would see that day," she murmurs. "Why her? Why her, Alex?"

I open my eyes, wincing at the sting in my cheek. "I honestly can't answer that question."

Rein releases a hiccup, a hand going over her mouth. "Why didn't you ever say anything? Why didn't you ever just break it off with me? Why, Alex?!" She sniffles and I once again felt my heart stripping away piece by piece.

"Because I didn't want to hurt you," I mumble, averting my gaze to the ground. "She knew I loved you. I was the one who started the affair. You can't blame her."

"She loved you. You were engaged! And she had Jack!"

I grit my teeth at that last sentence. "It's more complicated than you know. She loved Jack but then developed feelings for me. She kept them hidden until I discovered them one morning when I kissed her. It went from there. We haven't been having a secret fling for two fucking years, Rein. Stop blowing this out of proportion."

She grimaces. "I have a right to know who was sleeping with my fiance."

"Not anymore."

More tears fall at this last part, her mouth dropping. Finally, she gives me one last slap to the cheek, making me almost fall backwards from the unexpected hit. She then storms past me toward the door, her gait angry.

"And just so you know," she bites back at me as she opens the door to go out into the cold night street. "Jack slept with Jamie last week. Go run off and tell your girlfriend."

My eyes widen a bit before she walks out, the door slamming behind her.

Sadie—

I guess I fell asleep after crying so much.

I didn't wake until I heard the front open. At first I thought I had just imagined it, hoping Jack would return so I could talk to him. So I just closed my eyes and fell back into a half-sort of sleep. But when I felt the couch sink beside me I shoot up, my eyes opening like they hadn't even closed moments before.

My heart sunk a bit at the sight of Alex instead of Jack. But at least I could talk to Alex about this so I could get one person on my side. I first noticed the red bump on Alex's cheek.

"What happened?" I murmur, not able to stop myself as my hand comes up to touch the mark.

He flinches a bit, but doesn't move my hand. "Rein slapped me. Twice. Her ring did that." He looks away, biting at his bottom lip. I let my hand drop, using the pillow to wipe at the gross remains of my flooded make-up. I probably looked like the Bride of Frankenstein's Monster.

"What happened between you two?" I ask quietly.

He shrugs, keeping his eyes away from me. "She broke it off. Well, I broke it off."

"Did she not want to?" I ask, swallowing so my dry throat could have some kind of moisture. But it didn't help, my spit tasting sour as I just remember that this was all my fault.

He hesitates. "I don't know. She stormed out after hitting me a second time."

I nod, looking down at my lap as I feel my eyes grow heavy with tears again.

"Did you and Jack get to talk?" he murmurs, looking over at me. I don't return the stare, keeping my gaze fixed on the pillow in my lap. I start tracing the designs there, the reminder of the bomb that went off hours before making my face swell up again. My nose started to burn at the feeling of those tears in my ducts.

"No," I reply, my voice hoarse. "He hasn't been here."

Alex releases a shaky breath. "I haven't heard from him either."

After a few seconds of silence, I let out a dry snort that was empty of humor. "I really screwed everything up didn't I?" I don't let Alex answer. "I mean, I just completely took everything, took a shit on it, and flushed it down the toilet. What the hell is wrong with me?" Once again, he opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off. "I can't believe I let Jamie manipulate me like that so I would reveal it myself. I couldn't let Jack hear it from anyone but me, you know?"

"Sadie," he says firmly, grabbing my face in his hands and forcing me to look him in the eye. I felt my insides twist around. "No one blames you, all right?"

"I blame me."

"You shouldn't," he replies on instinct with a harsh undertone. "What we did was wrong. Two people screwed this up. Not just you, okay? You didn't do anything. This is all on me. Stop it, okay?"

I shake my head. "The only person to blame is me. I was the one who told everybody."

"Because Jamie made you. Stop it right now."

"Alex—"

"No," he bites back, squeezing my chin, which he had a hold of, so I would stop talking. "Let's just forget about it for right now, okay? Don't worry about anyone but yourself. Pretend nothing happened tonight so you can sleep. I want you to sleep. Please, Sadie."

I hesitate, not wanting to let him be right. But I nod, just for him. "Fine."

He nods and picks me up bridal style, not even allowing me to walk, and heads toward the stairs. I lay my head against his shoulder, my eyes slipping closed on their own accord.

"Forget about it," he murmurs, pecking my forehead. "And sleep."

I nod lazily, my head lulling as he places me on my bed. I thought he would leave, go back to his house, but he crawls in beside, wrapping me so tightly against him that I thought I would suffocate. Then he clicks the light off, his nose burying in my hair. I felt his breath in my ear, warm and soothing, a light tempo that made everything seem simple. Like nothing could go wrong in the world. And so, following Alex's instructions, I slept.

But I didn't follow the other part, not forgetting anything that happened, the image of Jack's horror-struck face imprinted in my mind for forever.

Alex—

I woke up the next morning. I wasn't wrapped around Sadie like how I had been when I fell asleep. I sigh mentally myself knowing I had probably rolled away from her at some point during the night. I roll over so I could grab her.

When my hands fall short, only grabbing air and landing empty on the mattress, my eyes pop open. I look at the absent side of the bed where Sadie was supposed to be.

I strain my ears, listening for a shower, but am only met with silence.

Was she downstairs?

I stand up and follow those thoughts, making my way out of her bedroom and into the hall. "Sadie?" I call, my voice echoing around the walls. I try to keep my paranoid thoughts to myself. "Are you down there?"

I walk down the stairs, once again searching around to try and find her. "Sades?"

I walk into the kitchen, my heart beating faster when I don't see her. Where is she? I glance around the wall and into the living room, but that was empty too. I felt my pulse beating out of my neck now, awful scenarios and thoughts swarming in my brain. I grab the edge of the counter as my vision went splotchy at the images of what I thought could happen.

Then, on the side table by the door, I spot two envelopes.

My brows crease and I walk over, picking up both and reading the fronts. I felt nausea roll through me at the sight of Sadie's handwriting. One said Alex and the other said Jack.

I throw Jack's letter down on the table, not even caring as I rip mine open.

Dear Alex,

I'm so sorry. I know you wanted me to forget, at least for last night, and not think about what I did. But I couldn't. Can't you see? There's no going back from this. There's no moving on. How can I when I screwed you, me, Jack, and Rein? And basically everyone else in our lives?

I don't want you and Jack to fight. Please, try to mend that friendship. You guys can make it and I don't want to come between you and your career. Try your hardest to save it.

Tell everyone I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry more than you can even imagine.

And make sure to tell everyone goodbye for me.

I'll miss you. I only hope this isn't the end, but I know it is. I don't think I'll ever return to Maryland. How could I? Not after what I did. This just goes to show we were never meant. Me and you, nor me and Jack. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Please, try to move on from me. It's like you said. Forget about it.

For me.

Yours, forever and always,
Sadie.

As I read each word, my eyes scanning, I steadily and slowly fell to the floor. And when I got to the end, when she told me to forget, I burst into tears. How could I forget? After everything we'd been through, how did she expect me to just whisk her from my mind?

And there, alone in a house that wasn't even mine, I curl into myself, crying more than I'd ever cried before. Sadie was gone and I had no more hope in my life for anything.