I Hear Your Heart Call My Name.

I can never decide what’s worse; liking someone you know for certain doesn’t like you back, or having no idea whether they like you or not.

On the one hand, knowing someone doesn’t like you, it really fucking hurts. You can’t help but smile when you see them, but you know they’ll never smile when they see you. On the other hand, not knowing, it messes with you. You don’t know if they’re joking round when they hug you, or if they just love the feeling of being close to you. You don’t know how to take anything they say, in case you’re totally wrong and they don’t care about you as anything more than a friend. It completely fucks your thinking. It’s how I constantly felt about one of my best friends.

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It’s been developing for a while now, I guess. I’m not exactly sure when Mike transformed from my badass friend and band member, to that amazing, funny, hot guy that I kind of wanted to bang and kind of wanted to cuddle. What can you really do in that situation?

For several months, it’d been one of those things that I tried with all my heart to deny. It was too weird, way too weird. I’d always been bisexual, but it’d never been a big deal, because I’d never really liked a guy before; not seriously enough to tell the guys or anything, anyway. When I realised what was happening with Mike, I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. Deep down, I knew that it was stupid, that I couldn’t change my feelings, and that my heart fluttered a little faster whenever I saw him, but I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t and today’s a prime example of that.

Jonny Craig is filming a music video today and he needed some guys to play drums and bass for some of it. Of course, Mike, being the amazing, helpful, perfect guy that he is, volunteered our services. We were about to leave, in fact, and Mike was due to pick me up in a few minutes. I was excited to see him, since we had a few weeks from touring and we’d mostly been spending time with our families instead of our bandmates.

No one had said anything about if we had to wear specific clothing of if they’d give us stuff there, so I’d just worn the kind of thing I normally wore and decided that if they had a problem with it they’d give me something different. No one had really told me anything about the video, actually. I just knew I’d be playing bass in it. Either Mike had been mysterious about it on purpose or he’d been told as little as me; I hadn’t thought to ask.

A car horn sounded from outside and I took that as my cue to run outside. Sure enough, Mike’s car was idling on the street just outside with Mike sitting inside, smiling when he saw me come out the door. Stupid little things like that were enough to make my heart feel like it was melting; it was embarrassing. I tried to shrug it off though, as I climbed into the passenger side of the car and closed the door, mumbling a greeting to Mike.

“Hey,” he smiled at me again before pulling away from the curb and driving, I assumed, towards wherever the video was being shot. Thankfully he turned on the radio after only a few more seconds of silence to save us from trying to make awkward small talk. We could usually make conversation about anything, but it was pretty early in the morning and I think we were both still a little asleep.

It took about ten minutes for me to gather up the nerve to turn down the radio a little and ask “so, do you have any idea what the video’s actually about?”

Mike just shrugged, determinedly keeping his eyes on the road, like he was avoiding looking at me, which kind of hurt. “Jonny didn’t really tell me much,” was all he finally said. It sounded like he wasn’t telling the whole truth, but I didn’t want to press it too much. I was always scared of annoying him nowadays; it was the problem with liking someone.

I gazed out the window for the rest of the trip. It was a surprisingly dark day outside, especially for June. Dark grey clouds had totally blocked out the sun and it looked like it might start raining at any time. Everywhere was strangely dark considering it couldn’t be later than eleven by now.

When the car pulled in to the curb and parked outside a house I was a little surprised to say the least. Apparently while I’d been off in my own little world thinking about stupid shit like clouds we’d arrived. “We’re here,” Mike stated like it wasn’t already obvious and climbed out of the car, slamming the door and leaving me to scramble out a few seconds behind him. It looked like it was going to be an interesting day.