Imperfect Imortality

I took a long slow drag from the smouldering cigarette in my hand; I closed my eyes and let the smoke fog up my brain and my senses. God I was so hopeless, I’d promised mum I’d give up smoking for new years, it had worked out to begin with but then all the depression had come back so I started to only smoke in secret hoping she wouldn’t find out, of course I thought I’d fooled her at first but I should have known better than to misjudge my mum. I was always disappointing people.

Next to me I could hear the harsh sound of cars tearing past In the rain, cars full of people rushing home from work to get to their families who eagerly awaited their arrival; I envied them, I wish I had something to rush home for, or to rush anywhere for. My body shook involuntarily as the cold rain whipped around me; my wet clothes clung heavily to my frame making it so much harder to stand. I dropped my finished cigarette to the floor, stamped it out and began to walk. The world had begun to clear again, and unfortunately I was all out of cigarettes and money; I folded my arms tightly round my body for warmth but it did nothing, I despised the rain it made me feel somewhat depressed even though I had no reason to be, it was almost my birthday after all, and everyone had a reason to be excited on their birthday didn’t they? And yet I couldn’t think of one.

The sky rumbled overhead, and the streetlamps cast ugly long black shadows over the ground. The rain started to fall faster but at least I was nearing my house, my pace quickened as the streets began to grow empty, silence had always scared me, I hated being alone. I was brought to a sudden halt and I stared in horror at the sign before me, the normal route I took home was closed off for maintenance. My heart began to thud heavily against the inside of my chest, and I could hear its pounds hammering heavily in my ears. I bit my lip, and fear consumed any rational thought I may have possessed. I wasn’t afraid because it was raining or that it was dark, not even because I was alone, it was mainly because I knew I’d have to take another route home, a route I had never wanted to familiarise myself with ever again. I shook my head, denying the fact that I would have to go through with it, lying to myself, trying to tell myself there was another way, but I knew there wasn’t. I would’ve called mum or Mikey and asked them to give me a lift, but I didn’t want them to know I was still afraid, afraid to let go. I took a deep breath in and began to walk, heading for the park.

As I neared the park the presence of my own fear was almost choking me, and I didn’t know if I could take it. Fortunately the rain began to slow, but it still didn’t change my mood, after all I hadn’t walked this route for just over two years now, not since then…a sharp shiver shot up my spine making my whole body tremble, I could see the park fence in the clearing ahead of me, I really shouldn’t have been so scared, I’d walked this path hundreds of times in my life. I stamped my foot hard on the ground scaring a nearby pigeon; I’m 19 years old god damnit it was time I faced my fears. I stormed towards the park gates, chin held high but as I passed though them my image of courage faded away leaving behind the broken image of a weak pathetic boy who’s to much of a baby to forget the past. That was me all the way though really a baby.

My body froze in its place, my breath held tight in my lungs as wildly violent images and memories flew through my mind. I began to breath frantically my eyes darting around taking in the scene that lay before me, the old swings, the sand pit, the field and my eyes rested on the giant tree in the very right corner of the field. My mind went blank and a half smile spread across my face and I slowly began to walk towards the tree, one slow step after another and eventually I stood facing it, looking up into it’s wide spread arm like branches, it looked almost friendly and it held so many good memories but it just hurt so much to be near it.

I slowly sat down on the moist ground below the tree, which unfortunately gave my body nothing better to do so my mind began to wander; I remembered the times we laughed here, so many good times. All the secrets we’d told and all the stories we’d shared. I remember when Mikey and me were 11 years old and Gerard was 13 we made this tree our ‘friendship tree’ and we carved our names into the bark on the trunk, and only we were allowed to play by that tree, those were our rules. Then one day some other kids from our school came and sat by the tree while we where here, and we threatened to kill them. I laughed quietly. I remember that my mum had said we’d go to jail if we killed anyone and we’d never be allowed out ever again, I cried for hours after that. I missed laughing with my friends, well I still laughed with Mikey but not like we did back then, not like we did when Gerard was there.

I felt something warm running down my face, I’d started crying and I hadn’t even noticed. Sobs escaped my body as I tried to wipe away my tears and stop them from falling, but they wouldn’t they just kept coming and all I could think of was that last smile Gerard gave me, that smile that I had taken for granted and lost. The wind howled around me as my sobs grew louder and my tears fell faster. I began to pound the ground with my fists covering them in mud and grass, anger mixed with sorrow bubbled up inside me and a large thunderclap boomed above me almost echoing my anger. I dug my nails into the palms of my hands and screamed, my screams where stolen by the wind, but I still continued. I screamed to the sky and I began to beg,
“Give him back! Please just give him back! Please, please I don’t want anything more!! I just want my best friend back! Please!!” my last few words became murmured sobs, I choked and collapsed on the floor, mumbling my pleas to myself, the rain began to fall harder again and I let the cold engulf me.