Imperfect Imortality

As I drifted to sleep I knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant no matter how I looked at it, and slowly the memories came flooding back.

25th of August 2013

I pulled my bed covers up over my head as something shook my body, I mumbled and cursed at whatever was disturbing me, being woken up, especially when I wasn’t ready to get up really pissed me off.
“Frank, Frank darling wake up!”
“Ugh what is it mum?” I ripped the covers back from over my head and glanced at my alarm clock, 12:15pm damn it was early, well early for me I normally don’t surface for another hour at least. I turned to face my mum and a sudden sense of panic filled my stomach, my mum looked worried, which was rare.
“Mum what’s wrong? Has something happened?” I stared her straight in the eyes waiting for a reply; she sat down slowly on the edge of my bed, and I gripped the edge of my blanket waiting for the blow.
“Frank darling, Gerard didn’t come home last night.” My breath flew from my lungs and I laughed under my breath, lying back down,
“Hey mum don’t worry about it, he went to a party last night, I guess Mikey didn’t tell his parents.” I turned over to face the far wall waiting for mum to leave,
“No Frank they know about that, we checked at Ray’s house and tried Gerard’s mobile, no one answered. His parents have already called the police” My heart stopped beating and I swear to god a part of me almost died inside…

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1st October 2013

The Police were round again, but not to interrogate us anymore, we’d given them all we knew, they were simply here to bring us one of their updates. Gerard’s parents Donna and Donald sat behind me and Mikey sat next to me sipping at a cup of coffee, his face pale and blank. Despair hung loosely in the air, and the officer looked as glum as he always did, it was bound to be bad news,
“We are deeply sorry but we have not managed to find your son yet, the rest of our search team is doing all we can for him, but you’ll just have to be patient.” I bit my lip hard, patient? Patient?! Were they mad?! I balled my fists tightly and watched the officer walk slowly out the door, and in the silence I listened to the sound of his car rolling slowly off the driveway. I felt Donna place a hand calmly on my shoulder and I watched her rap a gentle arm round her younger son’s weak frame,
“Come on boys, we need to be strong for Gerard’s sake.”

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23rd October 2013

I lay awake in bed, my head clouded but empty, the tears had stopped falling now. It was stupid really how Gerard had been gone for almost a month and now the tears were falling, a little late really.

I listened to the empty sound of the wind howling though the streets, car horns blaring, sirens, dogs barking; truthfully I wish the whole world would just shut up and leave me alone.

The Police had stopped the regular updates and only called us now and again to report that once more they had found no sign of him. Which I guess could be counted as a good thing, because there’s no proof that he’s dead; but if that was the case, could he have possibly run away? And forgotten about us? What had we done? Questions filled my mind and the tears started to fall again, and I gripped the edge of my mattress. I began to talk to myself; after all I was the only person who would listen.
“Why did you leave Gerard? Why won’t you come back?” And with that I cried myself to sleep.

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31st October 2013

I blew out the candles on my cake and made a wish, one that I prayed with all my heart would come true, I looked at Mikey and he looked back at me, a half smile on his face, I could tell he knew what I’d wished for. So we prayed together.

Unhappy Birthday To Me…

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16th November 2013

The officers’ think they may have found him, I’ve never felt so tense in my life; I was over Mikey’s house again, surrounded by the Way family, we were sat by the phone, hoping, praying. No phone calls came. Mikey and me spent the rest of the night in almost complete silence. Donna made us dinner but I barely ate a thing, I simply pushed it around my plate. I felt like I had a swarm of angry hornets in my stomach, I don’t think I could bear to be pushed back down again; they just had to have found him…

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18th November 2013

Still no news…it was killing me…

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22nd November 2013
Turns out it wasn’t Gerard…

I was crying, crying so fucking hard. I hated the police, I hated myself, I hated everyone who had lied to me and told me it would be okay, I hated everyone at school who pretended to sympathise with me, telling me they knew how it felt, as if!! And worst of all I hated Gerard for leaving me. I still needed him, and I knew Mikey did too.

And once again I drowned myself in my sorrows, crying myself into an empty dreamless sleep…

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24th December 2013

I sat in the Way household once more, for the last time. The Officers that stood around us looked solemn but to me somehow expressionless, after all I had gown to loathe their very existence. It was a while before one of them began to speak, and when they did I wish they never had.

I could hear Donna’s sobs come from beside me, and I heard Donald utter words of support to her as he himself was sobbing. Mikey sat still next to me, barely moving. I only listened to part of the conversation really; I only caught on to single words or phrases like, “No sign…given up…regret…sorry…” all of them meaningless to me, I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to believe it…but I had to.

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If I recall what happened that night I can remember the Police saying that they had to call the search to an end, after finding no evidence of Gerard still being alive and from that moment on he was assumed dead.

They held a funeral for him, a grave with no body and a head stone with a date of assumed but not certainly accurate death. That was what killed the happiness inside me, having to say goodbye to someone who I did not believe to be gone. But even so I was told I had to try to move on and to forget, which unfortunately was something I could never truly manage to do.