Status: Woop! First chapter rewrite. Comments? :)
What I Keep Hidden
Ryan
“Ryan…Ryan.” I threw the blankets off and grabbed a t shirt from the bedroom floor. I covered a yawn and slipped passed mom’s room quickly. “Hey Mason; why aren’t you asleep?” I sat on his bed pulling my feet up from the cold floor boards. “I can’t sleep Ryan it’s so cold.” I messed his brown hair up and went back into my room taking my blankets. “Here you need to sleep ok? I’ll see what I can do about this problem.”
I pulled the blankets up to his chin and kissed his forehead. Mason doesn’t deserve any of this. Where was I going to get money to pay for the heating bill now?
“Ryan?” I turned back around. “Yeah.” The moonlight reflected off his small body. ”Can you play the song that you play for daddy?” My heart stop it wasn’t exactly a song that I played for our dad but, my own way to rid myself of the pain I carried day after day. “Please, Ryan?”
I couldn’t deny him this after all he’s been put through because of what I had done. “Sure let me get my guitar.” I walked back to my room and grabbed my guitar. “Thomas why did you die? Ryan should have died in your place. Not you….not you….” Her raspy voice carried all the way to the hallway and straight into my heart. I covered my ears and hurried so I wouldn’t hear anymore.
“One verse Mason and straight to bed ok?” He shook his head excited for me to start. I tuned the guitar as the emotions flowed into me; the memories that I tried so hard to bury away.
“I hide all the pain….that I gained with my wisdom. And I’m eaten alive…By what I hold inside. All the things that I live with… I can’t easily hide.”
His eyes were beginning to drop. I knew I didn’t have to continue with the song but the emotions were so raw just like that summer.
And I’m left here with nothing….nothing to live for.”
The tears ran down my face leaving stains on my guitar. Dad I wish it would have been me not you that died that day.
It’s not easy to hide all this damage inside….I’ll care you with me…until I’m not alive. I’m so sick of this place…This taste in my mouth…
I stopped playing feeling so choked up as I made my way to the room. I couldn’t help but agree with my mother. She didn’t know how much I wanted to put an end to all their suffering
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I poured milk into a bowl of cereal but realized that Mason wouldn’t eat if he didn’t have milk. I decided towards some black coffee and a cold piece of take-out chicken, from last night. Mason jumped from the stair case and grabbed a seat next to me.
“Was this your bowl of milk?” I smiled at him and shook my head.
“You’re running late buddy let’s hurry up.” We heard something break and mom walked into the kitchen hold an empty scotch bottle.
“Where’s the coffee?” I grabbed her a cup and handed it to her. “Do you want some milk, sugar?” She stared at me. “Why are you alive? Why did Thomas die and not you! I hate you; you deserved to die not him!” I shoved her away from me. “Stop it mom!” I covered my ears and tried hard to keep my emotions down.
“Mommy please don’t say that.” Mason cried. “Ryan didn’t kill daddy it was an accident Ryan said so.”
Mom went over to Mason grabbing him by his shirt collar. Her brown hair was messy and her green eyes were wild. “Ryan didn’t love daddy. He pointed the gun at daddy and shot him. Ryan should have died instead of daddy.”
I shoved her away from Mason who was balling by now. “Shut up!” She crashed against the sink knocking the coffee onto her. She looked up at me with pure hatred.
“Now, Ryan wants to kill mommy.” She stumbled out of the kitchen and slammed the door to her room. I wiped the tears that had escaped my eyes and focused on controlling Mason.
“Mason don’t listen to mommy. I loved daddy and….” I closed my eyes. “Am so sorry…please forgive me.” I felt his small arms around my neck as I let the tears fall down not even bothering anymore. “I wish it had been me, Mason; me not dad.”
I pulled the blankets up to his chin and kissed his forehead. Mason doesn’t deserve any of this. Where was I going to get money to pay for the heating bill now?
“Ryan?” I turned back around. “Yeah.” The moonlight reflected off his small body. ”Can you play the song that you play for daddy?” My heart stop it wasn’t exactly a song that I played for our dad but, my own way to rid myself of the pain I carried day after day. “Please, Ryan?”
I couldn’t deny him this after all he’s been put through because of what I had done. “Sure let me get my guitar.” I walked back to my room and grabbed my guitar. “Thomas why did you die? Ryan should have died in your place. Not you….not you….” Her raspy voice carried all the way to the hallway and straight into my heart. I covered my ears and hurried so I wouldn’t hear anymore.
“One verse Mason and straight to bed ok?” He shook his head excited for me to start. I tuned the guitar as the emotions flowed into me; the memories that I tried so hard to bury away.
“I hide all the pain….that I gained with my wisdom. And I’m eaten alive…By what I hold inside. All the things that I live with… I can’t easily hide.”
His eyes were beginning to drop. I knew I didn’t have to continue with the song but the emotions were so raw just like that summer.
And I’m left here with nothing….nothing to live for.”
The tears ran down my face leaving stains on my guitar. Dad I wish it would have been me not you that died that day.
It’s not easy to hide all this damage inside….I’ll care you with me…until I’m not alive. I’m so sick of this place…This taste in my mouth…
I stopped playing feeling so choked up as I made my way to the room. I couldn’t help but agree with my mother. She didn’t know how much I wanted to put an end to all their suffering
*******************************************************************************************************
I poured milk into a bowl of cereal but realized that Mason wouldn’t eat if he didn’t have milk. I decided towards some black coffee and a cold piece of take-out chicken, from last night. Mason jumped from the stair case and grabbed a seat next to me.
“Was this your bowl of milk?” I smiled at him and shook my head.
“You’re running late buddy let’s hurry up.” We heard something break and mom walked into the kitchen hold an empty scotch bottle.
“Where’s the coffee?” I grabbed her a cup and handed it to her. “Do you want some milk, sugar?” She stared at me. “Why are you alive? Why did Thomas die and not you! I hate you; you deserved to die not him!” I shoved her away from me. “Stop it mom!” I covered my ears and tried hard to keep my emotions down.
“Mommy please don’t say that.” Mason cried. “Ryan didn’t kill daddy it was an accident Ryan said so.”
Mom went over to Mason grabbing him by his shirt collar. Her brown hair was messy and her green eyes were wild. “Ryan didn’t love daddy. He pointed the gun at daddy and shot him. Ryan should have died instead of daddy.”
I shoved her away from Mason who was balling by now. “Shut up!” She crashed against the sink knocking the coffee onto her. She looked up at me with pure hatred.
“Now, Ryan wants to kill mommy.” She stumbled out of the kitchen and slammed the door to her room. I wiped the tears that had escaped my eyes and focused on controlling Mason.
“Mason don’t listen to mommy. I loved daddy and….” I closed my eyes. “Am so sorry…please forgive me.” I felt his small arms around my neck as I let the tears fall down not even bothering anymore. “I wish it had been me, Mason; me not dad.”