I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

It was there as I watched Jack walk away that I realized this whole charade with Alex was a joke. He finally had the girl he wanted so why did I think I could make him like me? He didn’t like me before Jasey liked him and he certainly wouldn’t like me when he had her right where he wanted. It was that reasoning that made me do what I did…

I sat there staring at Jack’s retreating figure as he walked away from me. I felt like I was turning his world upside down, but I couldn’t help it. The door slammed obscuring my view of that tall lanky figure whom I knew to be Jack. I stood up unsure of what to do. I paced back and forth. My mind conflicted between Jack and Alex.

I couldn’t deny that Jack was growing on me, but that was nothing compared to how I felt about Alex. There was a nagging feeling inside of me that felt like a monster for being so selfish. I was doing the exact same thing to Jack that Alex was doing to me. Only I was hurting him knowingly, Alex didn’t. This entire situation just left me feeling like shit.

Should I go for someone who was taken? Who didn’t even like me in the slightest? Or should I go for someone that actually likes me for me? Who makes me laugh and feel better whenever I’m down? A guy who is, as Jack put it, my strikingly hot best friend? He did always have a way of making me laugh.

I couldn’t possibly be thinking what I was thinking. It was all too confusing that my mind felt like it was going to explode.

I needed to make sure that I really wanted to do this.

I left study hall early to wait outside Alex’s math class. I knew I wasn’t thinking rationally, but I needed to know for sure. I walked up the hallway quickly because I knew the last bell to signal the end of the day was about to ring. I heard a loud bang causing me to jump out of my thoughts. When I turned the corner I saw what the sound had come from. Jasey had pushed Alex up against the lockers and was kissing him like she wanted to suck off his face. I closed my eyes to stop myself from lingering on the details. The minor moment I had just seen was already burning a permanent place in my memory.

I turned around quickly, and leaned against the wall. I felt my knees buckle, and my eyes well up with tears. I looked up quickly to try to prevent them from falling; because once they did I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop. It was silent as I gasped for air. My eyes stopped tearing up and I sighed in relief. Suddenly, the bell rang and the hallway filled with a river of students laughing and happy the day was over.

I stood up quickly.

I was about to walk away when Jasey and Alex rounded the corner hand in hand. Alex’s eyes connected with mine and he grinned excitedly. With difficulty, that seemed almost impossible, I smiled back. He looked at me questioningly, because he could tell something was off. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jasey tugged on his hand and pulled him away.

He smiled apologetically.

And that was that.

He didn’t even stop to talk to me.

Once I was sure he was gone I burst into tears. There was a wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to like a guy this much. Feelings shouldn’t make you hurt like this. With my vision obscured with tears I made it outside. I knew my mom would be waiting to pick me up, but I couldn’t face her right now. There was only one person I wanted to see.

The very fact scared me, because I didn’t know what that could mean.

------x-------

I banged on the door. I stared down at my toes not really believing that I was doing this. “Please be home. Please be home.” I mumbled to myself.

The door opened to reveal an older woman with a warm, welcoming smile. She had to be Jack’s mom. I knew I looked like a mess with my make-up smeared, and my hair messy from the wind, but I didn’t care.

“Is Jack home?” My words came out raspy from my dry throat.

“Um…” I watched as his mom look behind her. “No, I’m sorry. You just missed him.”

Completely desperate, I stood up on my toes to look over her shoulder. “Jack! Please! I know you’re in there. I need to talk to you.”

I heard Jack say something to his mom, but I couldn’t make it out. His mom moved aside and let Jack come to the door. His eyes looked blood shot. He had a determined look on his face, determination to not let anything I say persuade him.

“Jack, I’m so sorry—” I began, but he cut me off harshly.

“Save it. I’ve heard it all before.” He paused for moment. I remained silent knowing he was about to blow and any of my own attempts to talk would be cut off.

When he went to speak again he was so angry that he yelled. “What? Did you see Alex with Jasey, and it broke your heart and now you want me to fix it? Is that it? Do you think you can just use me? Don’t you know how much it—”

I cringed. One, because of how angry I had made him. Two, because of how accurate his assumptions were.

His voice caught in the back of his throat. He spoke once again and it came out in a low growl. “Do you know how much it hurts to see you crying over him? The worst part is that even though you don’t like me and never will; I still hate seeing you hurt.”

I tried to steady my voice. “No, I-I don’t. I thought all this time that I liked Alex, but when you left I realized you are always there for me.”

He laughed bitterly, “Who are you lying to: me or yourself.”

I looked down realizing I had blown it. I looked up slowly. “Could you help me then?”

He looked surprised, like what I had just said wasn’t what he expected. “Help you what?”

“Help me forget, help me get over him, just please, please help me.” A wave of fresh tears poured out of my eyes.

I felt warm arms surround me which only made me cry harder. He rocked me silently gently shushing me to calm my tears. His hands rubbed my back softly in small circular patterns. I didn’t deserve a guy like Jack.

“Shh, it’s okay.” He sighed. “Fuck, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Fine, I’ll help you.”

I separated myself from Jack so that I could see into his face. “Really?”

His mouth broke into a smile. “Really. Now come inside so that we can begin forgetting about Alex.”

I tried to small, but it crumbled at the thought of forgetting Alex, “Yeah, okay.”

He led me inside to his kitchen where his mom was cooking dinner. She eyed us quickly and then smiled. “So you’re the girl that’s been stressing out my little Jackie.”

“Mom.” Jack groaned.

I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Um… yeah, sorry about that, but I promise to never hurt him again.”

She laughed. “Well, I hope not. I’m so used to Jack acting like a five year old, always happy and bouncing off the ceilings, that it’s strange seeing him sad.”

Jack groaned again. I smiled at how his mom wasn’t afraid of saying what was on her mind. She turned back around to stir something in the pot sitting on the stove sending a wave of smells through the kitchen. As I watched her Jack watched me. I turned to him and smiled. I liked the way this moment felt; it felt like I belong here naturally. His mother opened the cupboard and pulled out some spices. She added something to it before turning back around.

She grinned at the sight of us staring at each other. “So, are you staying for dinner?”

I looked up at Jack unsure if I was or not. He grinned. “Yup, she is.”

His mother chuckled. “Well, I guess I should talk to you’re brother.”

Jack’s eyes widened. “Um, maybe she shouldn’t stay for dinner.”

I laughed. “Why, what’s wrong with your brother.”

His mother left the room and as she walked down the hall she said, “Oh you’ll find out soon enough.”

I started worrying not really catching the hint that they were only joking. Jack noticed and took my hand. “Don’t worry. She’s just messing with you. Here, come on.” He pulled my hand lightly.

“Where are we going?”

“Outside, just… come on.”

I followed him outside to his back porch where we sat down on the outside steps. Our thighs bumped against each other. I looked up at the setting sun.

It was like the day was dying.

I sighed.

When I looked over at Jack I saw that his eyes were focused on the setting sun. His eyes started to shift towards me, but focused back in front of him. I continued to stare at him taking in his features. I noticed the slope of his hard jaw line and the way his hair curled up towards his cheeks. He was in need of hair cut, I couldn’t help thinking. I stayed like that, just staring at him until finally he couldn’t take it anymore and looked at me.

He bit his lip. “Jasmine, I’m really sorry about this.”

My eyebrows lifted in confusion, “Sorry about wh—”

But I was cut off my Jack’s lips.