I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

Never before have I had to force myself to be happy. I had yet to realize that I couldn’t be happy if I wasn’t with Alex. I didn’t even have to be dating, but just being near him instantly made me feel alive. This whole thing with Jack was just a lie, a lie that would later spiral into a big, ugly mess…

“Hey, cutie. Whatcha thinking about?” I lifted my head up off of Jack’s pillow at the sound of Jack’s voice. I let my glazed over eyes glance away from the t.v. to Jack’s face.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say something?” I said shaking my head lightly to clear my thoughts.

He grabbed my hand softly, and with his thumb he rubbed circles. “I said, what are you thinking about?”

I let out a light nervous laugh, “Oh, I was just… it was nothing.”

I felt my cheeks warm with embarrassment. How could Alex still be in my mind when Jack was right in front of me making my entire arm tingle just from the touch of his hand? Slowly, Jack’s hand left mine to rub the redness that grazed the surface of my cheek. I rested my head in his hand as his fingertips began to twirl strands of my hair into spirals. I felt my eyes close.

My eyes popped open from his sudden kiss.

I connected my eyes with Jack’s and they burned with intensity until I was forced to shut mine. One of his warm hands went to the back of my neck so he could keep me close, so that I wouldn’t float away; while his other hand rested lightly on the small of my back. He pulled away only for me to pull him back by tugging on his shirt.

Even though this wasn’t real; it felt good anyways.

He pulled away again only this time I let him. My eyes immediately fell to the ground. I couldn’t bear to see the happiness I was causing him, because I knew that my half of the relationship was all a lie when his was the whole honest truth.

I was just using him.

“Does the silence mean a no?” I heard Jack ask.

“What?” Why did I always seem to tune Jack out to be consumed with my own thoughts?

“I asked if you wanted to go to Shayne’s party with me Saturday night.” He gave me that look that asked if I was okay.

Another chance to get wasted, I thought. I turned to Jack, “Id love to.”

“Awesome.” He smiled and took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Should I see if Alex can drive us again?”

“Alex?” My smile dropped. Of course Alex would be there. With Jasey. Great.

A look of panic crossed Jack’s face. “How about we forget I ever said anything?”

I shook my head quickly. “No, no it’s okay. He’s our friend, right?”

“Right.” He smiled.

I tried to build up my confidence that everything was going to be perfectly fine. I could handle Alex. And I’m perfectly fine being around Alex as a, um, as just a friend… right?

“Besides you have me to keep you preoccupied. Alex won’t even creep into your mind for one second.”

I grinned, “Alex who?”

He grinned back, “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. And anyways Alex will be preoccupied too.”

“ Huh?” Please don’t say it. Silently I was praying that Jack wouldn’t fuck this all up by saying…

“He’ll be off with Jasey doing God knows what.”

…that

I turned and left his room.

“Wait, where are you going?” I heard him call.

“I’m going home. I’m tired.” I said back to him.

Why why why WHY did he have say Jasey. There I was putting the greatest effort my body could manage to try and be okay with seeing Alex, but I wasn’t ready yet for seeing him with Jasey, not after the last time I bumped into them.

I raced to the front door and opened it quickly. It was probably nine at night and the stars were already shinning brightly outside. It would be a great night to get lost walking down some random street, possibly get murdered by some random lunatic. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky.

Just as I was about to walk out the house Jack grabbed me from behind held me securely in a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled into my hair. “You know I don’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know, I know.” I said into his chest. “I just feel so… pathetic sometimes.”

“You are not pathetic. Don’t you ever, for one second, think you are.”

I turned and hugged him even closer than before.

He squeezed me tighter, lifted me off my feet, and spun me around. When he set me back down on my feet, he kept his hands intertwined with mine.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “Stay with me tonight.”

I immediately denied that offer, “I can’t, what will I tell my mom?”

Jack swung my hand loosely with his, “Come on, it’s Friday night. Just tell her you’re staying over at Lisa’s again.”

“I-I can’t.” The truth was I didn’t know what to expect if I stayed over at Jack’s. There was something in the air that just felt… different tonight.

He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.

“Please?”

I could tell that he was using his puppy dog eyes on me.

“Jack, don’t.”

He kissed me softly on the lips. He pulled away momentarily, “Please?”

“No, I—” But I was cut off once more by his lips.

I became breathless.

“Okay.” I whispered.

He led me back into the house. “But what about your parents?”

“Don’t worry about it.” He whispered.

“Then why are you whispering?” I whispered back.

He didn’t reply, but instead held a finger to his smiling lips and signaled to go to his room. We walked quietly to his room. Once we were inside, he closed his door Jack let out a sigh of relief.

“I have a feeling we could get into serious trouble for this.” I said as I eyed his messy bedroom floor.

We froze at the sound of a knock on his door. I quickly ran to the closet. I could hear his mom ask if I just left, because she heard the sound of the front door closing. Convincingly, Jack said I had. His mom told him goodnight and that I seemed like a nice girl, which made me smile.

The next thing I knew the closet was getting flung open. I started in surprise, but Jack only grinned.

“You can come out now.”As quietly as I could I stepped out of the closet.

For the longest time we looked into each other’s eyes and once more I got the feeling that everything between us was different. Finally I broke the silence by asking him for something to sleep in.

He looked around, “Um…”

“I can just sleep in one of your shirts.”

“Oh ok.” He searched through a pile of clothes until he found a shirt that I could sleep in. He threw the black fabric to me and I opened it up to see that it was a Just Surrender band tee.

I was preparing to put it on when I noticed Jack was watching me. “Turn around.”

He pretended to be a offended, “But you’re my girlfriend now.”

I laughed, “So. Turn around.”

He sighed “Fine,” and reluctantly he turned around.

“And no peeking.”

I turned around also and began to take off my pants. Then I proceeded to take off my shirt. Once it was off I slipped my arms through the band shirt, but then I felt Jack come up behind me.

I sighed, “Jack, I told you to turn around.”

I felt him breathe on the back of my neck and immediately goose bumps appeared on my arm. He massaged my neck making me weak in the knees. I lost all thought and let the shirt fall from my hands. His hands went to my waist and he twirled me around so that I was facing him. I reached up to kiss him softly. Slowly, as if in a trance, he walked backwards toward his bed until he collided with it and landed on his back. It pulled me down with him causing me to land softly on top of him. I giggled for some strange reason. I guess the warmth of his body was making me light-headed.

I lifted his shirt off and threw it on the ground. Now, I was consumed by something greater. I kissed him roughly like I was one more trying to feel something. Maybe I was trying to feel that nervous butterfly feeling that I got whenever I was around Alex, but instead I felt like a lion starving for its prey. I intertwined my fingers into Jack’s hair and pulled on it until it made him groan.

I covered his mouth with a small laugh. “Shh,” I said whispering. “We don’t want to wake up your parents. ”

The next moment I was somehow on my back staring up at Jack’s face. He traced my lips with his fingers gently. He leaned into kiss me. I could barely feel it, because he kissed me so lightly. But there it was that nervous butterfly feeling; I could feel it transcend into my blood stream and make me suddenly, very anxious about what we were leading up to doing.

His chocolate brown eyes flashed before mine. Not Jacks. Alex’s.

I sat up quickly. “Jack, we can’t do this.”

He sat down next to me. “Yeah, I figured.”

“I’m sorry.” I said quietly.

I got off the bed and picked the band shirt that Jack had given me earlier off the ground and put it on. I turned around to see Jack already under the covers staring up at the ceiling. Quietly, I turned off the lights and crawled into bed next to him.

I cuddled up next to him unsure of what to say.

“What are you thinking about?” I finally asked.

There was nothing but silence for about ten minutes and I figured he was either ignoring me or he had fallen asleep. I listened for his breathing it was short which meant he was still awake.

Finally, he answered, “I’m thinking about how amazing it feels at this moment with you next to me.”
Without saying anything I snuggled even closer to him and let my eyes close slowly.

It felt amazing to be next to him too.

The next morning I got up early in the darkness. My hands felt around his bedroom floor for my clothes.

I left his house quietly and walked the twenty minute distance to my house just as the sun was beginning to rise.