I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

I couldn’t bring myself to speak of these new feelings I felt. The biggest one being confusion. Deep down I knew that after I was done with Jack I wouldn’t have a clean conscience. I was pretending to like a guy, because I was hurt by another, but I couldn’t stop myself despite knowing this. Maybe I wasn’t pretending…

I woke up late Saturday morning to the sound of my ringing phone. My eyes popped open and I saw that Jack was calling. I looked at the clock blinking its robotic red lights at me, telling me that it was 1:36 pm. I sighed and let sleep overcome me again.

My phone brought me out of dreamland once more. Jack was probably concerned, or pissed that I had left early this morning without telling him, almost like a one-stand minus the sex part, I thought bitterly. I turned my head to see the clock: 3:12 pm. I groaned and snatched my phone from under my pillow. But it wasn’t Jack, it was Alex.

I answered immediately.

“Hello?” My voice came out groggily from sleep deprivation.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”

My ears perked up at the sound of his voice, “Yeah, but it’s fine. I have to get up now anyways. What’s up?”

“I’m freaking out.” He said frantically.

“Really?” I asked, feigning concern. “Aren’t you always?”

I heard Alex’s voice in the distance as if he had covered the phone, then he came back clear, “Jasmine, I’m serious!”

“So am I! You need to calm the fuck down. Do you know how exhausting it is to have to constantly make you feel better?” I yelled angrily, whether it was from the lack of sleep or just from being fed up with Alex.

“Fine, sorry I called. Forgive me for thinking you were my friend.” He said quietly.

He was about to hang up. “Wait, Alex, I’m sorry. I am your friend. I’m just not having a good day.”

“It’s okay. You’re right I do always whine, but I need you’re help for Shayne’s party tonight.”

That’s right the party that Jack asked me out to. He was asking for my help once more. I knew what that meant.

I sighed, but then immediately hoped he hadn’t heard me. “Okay come over later.”

“I’m already on my way there. Jack’s with me.”

“Great.” I said with mock excitement.

--------x---------

Alex wasn’t kidding when he said they were on their way. In three minutes I heard a knock at my door. Luckily my mom was out for the weekend on a business trip otherwise Alex would have never been allowed to step one foot back into my house.

I opened the door to see a disheveled messy-haired Alex Gaskarth and an even more distraught looking Jack Barakat. I didn’t even say anything; they just walked in like silent sleepwalkers. I followed them into my bedroom where they sat down on my bed looking around. They looked at the things in my room with new wonder probably, because they hadn’t really paid attention to it last time.

I couldn’t help but notice that they both looked out of it.

Alex’s hair was strewn out in a million directions and he kept twitching. It was so bad that I had to hold my tongue to not say anything sarcastic. Jack wouldn’t look at me. He just looked depressed. He looked just as bad as I was feeling. I guess I was just better at hiding it.

“Are you guys sure you want to do this?” I asked tentatively.

“I’m pretty sure that I DONT want to do this.” Jack said bitterly. I stared at him for a few seconds to try to get him to look at me. I really needed to explain the reason I left so early except I didn’t really know the answer myself.

“Then why are you here?” I asked angrily.

Jack pointed a finger at Alex. “This kid.”

“What’s going on between you two?” Alex asked. “You’re acting weirder than normal.”

“I don’t know anymore.” Jack answered.

“Jack, I’m sorry. I was just—”

But Jack cut me off. “Alex what were you here for again? Oh, right you want to have sex with Jasey.”
Right when he said that, he glared at me like he was continuing his sentence silently, “not you Jasmine” with his eyes.

“Oh.” I said. Trying to sound indifferent, but he knew that was a low blow.

Alex looked up at me. “I’m just so nervous. My hands are shaking look.” He held them up and sure enough they were.

I shook my head from side to side. I didn’t want to do this anymore, but I’m sure I had said that enough times already.

“I don’t even know how to begin,” Alex continued. “And how do like, um how do you not get excited too fast.”

This was all stupid. How the hell was I supposed to know these things? I should have never agreed to do this. But Alex didn’t even notice he just kept talking. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Alex stop!” I shouted. “I can’t help you.”

His face fell as the rest of his words faded away, “Why not? I thought you were going to help me as much as you can.”

I looked down and shuffled my feet. “I can’t help you, because I don’t know how to,” I admitted quietly.

Alex started to speak as if he didn’t really hear me, but I stopped him again.

“I can’t help you, I’ve never, I don’t know, um, I’m still a virgin okay?” I finally said.

They stared at me and I had no idea what they were thinking.

“I knew it!” Jack said excitedly.

“I sure didn’t.” Only Alex doesn’t have nearly the excitement that Jack has. “So you lied, and I believed you.”

“Alex, I’m sorry I just wanted you to, I mean I wanted to…” I let my sentence fade away.

Should I tell him that I have a massive crush on him or would that make him hate me even more than he does now? I decide to hold my tongue. Besides Jack was in the room too and I think I was really starting to like him and he now knew why I left so suddenly this morning. What we had almost done last night had terrified me.

Alex left the room without another word or even one look at me. I saw him look completely deserted. Then, I wondered if he was still going to the party.

“So is that why you left me this morning?” Jack said coming up to me completely erasing my previous thoughts.

I nodded my head up and down. “Yeah, I don’t know what came over me. I was just so scared. I’ve never had someone make me feel like this before and it’s so strange and different, but I think I really like it yet it still scares the shit out of me.”

He engulfed me in a hug and I instantly felt better.

“Does being with me scare you like it scares me?” I asked him.

He placed his chin on the top of my head. “Of course, but that’s only because I know you still have feelings for Alex. But when I’m alone with you I know I have nothing to worry about and I’m the happiest guy in the world.”

I squeezed. “Fuck Jack, I think I’m falling for you.”

He pulled away and looked me in the eye.

“Not me. I already have.”