I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

It’s been seven years since then.

I leaned back into my couch, closed my eyes and forced myself to forget the past. For some reason in the past few days I couldn’t help replaying those memories of my first two years of high school over and over again. The emotions that I thought I had numbed with time came flooding back. The funny stuff like Alex’s smirk, Jack’s goofy grin, and even worse the painful things: like never telling Alex how I felt or the look on Jack’s face when I told him the truth. I couldn’t understand how two small years in the suburbs of Baltimore, Maryland could change my life completely.

It didn’t make any sense. Those days were long past. I was twenty-two now; petty high school drama was supposed to be behind me, but it wasn’t. Recently, those old memories were consuming. I wrapped my purple blanket tighter around me and let my eyes drift around my surroundings. I looked out my window and could see a few palm trees blowing in the soft breeze and streams of people walking on a nearby street. The sight of people just having a good time, getting sun, and being surrounded by people they loved, made me smile. I had grown to love California even though seven years ago I hated this place. I continued people watching when suddenly a guy in skinny jeans and a beanie walked past. I sat up quickly, lost my balanced and fell of the couch.

After yelling a list of profanities from stubbing my toe on the ground, I stumbled to my window and peered out, but the guy was already gone. I could only see his gray beanie floating through the ground of people.

It was stupid anyways. There’s no way Alex Gaskarth was in my city of Huntington Park, California. Even if he was here wouldn’t he been in like L.A. or Anaheim? I guess he could be visiting the beach, but still. Even though Huntington Park was only six miles from downtown L.A. what were the chances he would walk past my window?

A knock came at my door causing me to jump. I opened the door to reveal my boyfriend, Kevin.

“Hey, babe.” He came in and kissed me lightly on the cheek. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

I blushed just from the way I got when he touched me. “Well, um, not exactly.”

He chuckled and led me to the couch that I had been sitting on previously. “What is it then?”

“Okay, hold on for a second.” I got up and grabbed my keys. “Catch!” I threw them to where Kevin sitting on the couch and he got it in his left hand. I snuggled on the couch next to him and pointed to the bracelet that I no longer wore, but instead used as a keychain.

“I’ve seen this before, ATL right? The band you’re obsessed with.” He said with a small laugh.

I pushed him playfully letting my hand rest against his chest, “Hey, I’m not obsessed with them! But the reason why I’m such a huge fan is because I used to be friends with them. They gave this to me seven years ago when I moved from Baltimore to here.”

He lifted his light blue eyes up at me, “We should see them. I heard they’re playing in Anaheim at Chain Reaction.”

I sat up straighter making Kevin’s arm fall off my shoulder. “What? When?”

“I’m guessing that’s a yes?’ He laughed. “I think they’re playing tomorrow.”

“Um, I’m not so sure I want to go.” I said quietly almost to myself. So that meant All Time Low were near here, but was it possible that I had really seen Alex. What were the chances that would happen?

“I thought you just said they’re your friends? Jazz, what’s wrong?” He ran his fingers through my hair.

I moved my head out of his reach and racked my brain for a legitimate story that I could come up. “It’s just been so long since I’ve talked to them; I don’t want things to be awkward.” Then it hit me that whenever it came to those boys I always lied. I didn’t like it. “You know what? On second thought, it might be good to see them again, catch up.”

Kevin smiled his small smile that he always made. He leaned in and kissed me. “As long as you’re happy; I’m happy, babe.”

I placed a hand on his cheek, looked him in the eyes and smiled. “I know and I am happy especially with you here next to me, kissing me.”

We kissed again and it deepened until we were making out. His hand started going up my shirt so I paused to take it off. He smirked at my attempt to pull his shirt off and straightened up so I could take it off all the way. He kissed my neck and made me squeal when he hit my spot. I heard something and looked out the window. I yelped when I saw a group of teenage boys staring at us. When they saw that I saw them they booked it out of there.

I sighed, “You see this is why we always have sex in the bedroom.”

Kevin stood up and offered his hand, “What? Don’t like an audience?”

He lifted me up and I shoved him playfully as he carried me to the bedroom. “No, I want you to have me all to yourself.” I said once he set me lightly on the ground next to the bed.

I pushed him on the bed and he pulled me on top of him, holding my hips lightly in his hands. “Hm, I like the sound of that.”

-------x--------

We stood in line waiting to get into the venue. I couldn’t help but feel nervous butterflies and it was really starting to bug me. I wanted so much to not be here, but on the other hand I wanted to see them so badly. I loved those guys. I just didn’t know how I would react to Alex.

I squeezed Kevin’s hand to release some tension and exhaled a deep breath. I could get through this. Once we entered the venue I felt that rush of excitement that I always felt when going to a show. All Time Low was the main show so I tried to enjoy the opening acts without any nervousness. I danced, jumped and sang along until I was no longer nervous.

Kevin’s strong arms wrapped around me from behind and said in my ear, “Let’s go to the back where it’s less crowded.”

I nodded okay and he led me through the crowd back toward the merch. I froze when I heard Jack’s voice echo through the speakers.

“What’s wrong?” Kevin asked as soon as I stopped. He instantly knew something had bothered me.

I hadn’t heard Jack’s voice since all those years ago, but it was so good to hear. Hearing his voice brought back so many memories. Nostalgia was hitting me in every single direction. I had missed them so much. Without really thinking about what I was doing I started making my way toward the front of the crowd. I seemed to just float past everyone.

I got to the front, but had lost Kevin in the process. My eyes were glued to Alex as he sang. He looked different yet the same. Did I want him to notice me? And even if he did, would he recognize me? I doubted it. How could he possibly spot me in a sea of faceless fans?

I couldn’t stand being this close to him. I turned around to make my way out of the crowd and to find Kevin when I heard Alex stop singing mid-verse. When I looked back he was looking at me like he didn’t believe what he was seeing, but then almost as suddenly he started singing again picking up back to where the other guys were in the song. I continued back to find Kevin and every time I looked at the stage, Alex was looking at me. Finally, I found Kevin.

“We need to get out of here.”

He took one look at my face, “Okay, let’s go.”

And with one last look at Alex our eyes connected and I felt that spark that instantly ignited past feelings.

And then I walked out the door.