I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

Alex’s POV:

Seeing her had hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t even begin to explain how one look at her sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. I thought back to all the things I missed about her. That one time in the dressing room when she first helped me get clothes, I had been so terrified that a girl was seeing me half naked, but for the first time I felt this thrill.

I hadn’t even thought it was Jasmine who had made me feel that way at the time. I though it was just the excitement of the moment.

Then the first and only time we kissed. It was so simple, but it made me feel just so… happy, content. I had convinced myself that that’s how everyone’s first kiss felt. I was convinced that when I kissed Jasey it would be a million times better, because she was the girl of my dreams, but once dream became reality; it just wasn’t the same.

I began to see Jasmine in a new way. Everything she said, every time she moved, just everything, everything about her captivated me. How was I supposed to know what love was when I was so young?

One of the things I remembered most about her was the way she always picked on me. I always pretended to hate it, but I actually didn’t mind. I loved to hear her laugh. I loved her.

That night she came to me to tell me she was leaving; I wanted to tell her so badly…

I was cooped up in my bedroom trying so hard to remember simple chords on my new guitar when I heard a knock at the door. Knowing she was busy, I told my mom I would get it.

The door opened revealing Jasmine. It wasn’t until the light from my house shined into her eyes when I saw the tears streaming down her face. At the sight of her, I opened the door wider.

“Jasmine?” I asked with immediate concern. “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t answer instead she rushed into my arms. I let her rest her head right under my chin. Slowly, I put my arms around her and held her close. I didn’t know why she came or why she was crying, but I knew I didn’t like seeing her like this.

I started to walk backwards bringing her with me. Her warm body made warmth go through mine. She let go of me to walk next to me. She followed me to my bedroom and sat on my bed. I sat down next to her causing my bed to dip. My bed sheets scrunched under our weight. All I could think was—she’s sitting on my bed, the bed where I dreamt about her.

I cleared my thoughts and placed a comforting arm on her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t answer. She only offered a sniffle as a response.

My mind jumped to conclusions, “Is it Jack? Did you two have a fight?”

She looked up at me in surprise. “What? No, no nothing like that.”

I moved my hand from her shoulder to face her properly, “Then what is it?”

“I’m leaving.”

I didn’t like the way she sounded when she said that, but I tried to push that thought away. Instead I looked at her with confusion. “Okay… but you just go here.”

Unexpectedly, she laughed. I started to laugh too, but I knew I didn’t want to. I knew what she meant when she said she was leaving.

She stopped laughing suddenly and I could feel it coming. “No, Alex not like that. I’m leaving Baltimore.”

My laugh faded quickly and my smile faltered. “Wha-what? You-you ca-can’t leave.”

She started to tear up.

“Where are you going? And…” I paused and then asked the question I wanted answered the most. “Why?”

“To California to live with my dad. My mom said she doesn’t have time to raise a daughter and she doesn’t want to fail me or some shit like that.” She said bitterly.

“All the way to California?” My voice cracked slightly and I instantly tried to clear my throat. “That’s like on the other side of the country, an entirely different coast.”

She fell onto her back and stared up at my ceiling. “Believe me, I know.” She said softly.

Very slowly I laid down beside her. My arm pressed up against hers, but I pretended I didn’t notice. I liked the way her skin felt against mine.

She turned to look at me. I kept my head pointed toward the ceiling, but I could feel her eyes on me. Slowly, I began to turn my head to look at her too, but she quickly turned it back to face the ceiling. I studied the profile of her face, grateful that she had stopped crying. I liked the way her nose sloped and the way her lips had a natural curl up at the edges.

“Have you told Jack yet?” I asked after a short moment of silence.

“No, I haven’t.” She admitted.

I didn’t say anything for over a minute. Finally I said the only thing I could think of. “He’s gonna be devastated.”

“I’m going to fight it though.” She said quietly.

“Hm?” I offered, unsure of what she meant.

“I’m not leaving without a fight.”

Without being able to control it, I began to smile. “Good.” I said simply.

“Good?” She asked with curiosity.

I quickly came up with a lie, “Yeah, you know… for Jack.”

“Yeah…” She agreed. Barely audible she added. “For Jack.”

“You should tell him.” I said, speaking to the ceiling.

Her body tensed up. “Right now?” I asked.

“Only if you want to.” I looked over at her and could tell that the thought of breaking the new to Jack would be so much harder than telling me. So I said, “You don’t have to do it yet but you should soon though.”

She frowned, “I know—I mean, I will, but not tonight. I don’t think I can bring myself to do it tonight.”

I didn’t say anything, but turned back so I was looking at the ceiling once more. I moved my arm so that it was no longer touching hers.

“Can I…” She began, but then paused. “Would it be okay…” My question trailed off again.

I knew what she was going to ask. “You can stay here tonight if you want.”

“Thanks.” She breathed a sigh of relief.

But I honestly didn’t mind her staying the night, in fact, I was happy that she had chosen to come here.

“When do you leave?” I asked.

“In a couple of months.”

I felt a bigger weight fall on my chest from that short span of time. It was so soon.

“It could be worst.” I offered, but I could hear the strain in my voice.

“You’re going to miss me aren’t you?” She joked.

She had no idea how much I would. I let out a chuckle. “Of course I will. You’re one of my best friends.”

We turned to look at each other at the same time.

“I’m gonna miss you too.” She told me quietly.

We continued looking at each other for a long time. My mind was struggling to decided whether or not I should just tell her how I feel. There she was laying in front of about to leave for fuck’s sake. Wasn’t now the perfect time? No, there would never be a perfect time especially now that she was leaving.

Looking down at me I said, “It’s late; we should probably go to bed now.” I got up and looked at the clock. It was so late already, but I wanted to just freeze time and stay with her for as long as possible, but I knew things like that could never happen.

“You can sleep on my bed.” I offered after a moment. “I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

She stood up to give me hug. “Thank you so much.” She mumbled into my chest.

“Of course.” I said wishing we could stay like this forever. “You can always come to me for help.”

We pulled apart and as I looked into her eyes I felt this pull towards her. I wondered if she felt it too. She took a half step closer to me and for a split second I thought something might happen.

“Goodnight, Alex.” She said instead before turning around quickly and climbing into my bed.

“Night, Jasmine.” I said quietly, but I doubt she heard me. She was already curled up under my covers before I turned off the lights.

------x-------

Now, it had been seven years and I was finally ready to tell her the truth. I didn’t care if she was unavailable or if she didn’t feel the same way. She just needed to know—no, I needed to get it off my chest so that I could just move on.

And if she liked me back?

No, that was impossible. She hadn’t tried to reach me in seven years. God, knows I had, but she was like a ghost.

Now, here she was and I couldn’t even remember half the things I wanted to say to her…