I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

Jasmine’s POV:

“Alex?” I ask a little unsure if he is really standing in front of me. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was just imagining things. I’ve wanted him so badly that my mind could just be fucking with me. I took a step closer to him and tilted my head to the side. “What are you doing here?”

He chuckled lightly causing his eyes to crinkle slightly at the edges. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

I laughed, but not in response to his question. It’s a laugh of relief, because it’s true. I thought I was just imagining him. “Well, it has been over seven years. You kind of are like a ghost.” I let my next words fade away as I looked down at the ground. Slowly, I lifted my head back up and looked him straight in the eyes trying to see something, the truth maybe. “How did you find me?”

“You make it seem like you’ve been hiding.” He says quickly.

Why wasn’t he answering any of my questions?

Alex cleared his throat, “You look great. Are you busy? We should get lunch or something and catch up.”

In complete disregard to my earlier questions his next words all came out in a rush. I turned back to my desk and completely forgetting my earlier excuse that I was super busy, I agreed.

We ended up going to some small sushi bar. We talked about past memories some that almost made me cringe at what could have been—no, what should have been.

Alex burst out laughing, “Do you remember that time we were watching some lame Disney channel movie and you suddenly changed it to porn making Jack spit his soda all over the floor?

I laughed at the memory, but although things were starting to feel like old times I couldn’t help wondering what was going on here. I didn’t want Alex and us to be like old times. Back then we were foolish teens keeping secrets and being reckless, but now we were older. We should be past this.

In other words, I was really thinking about telling Alex the truth.

“God, we pulled so much shit when we were kids.” That’s when it hit me. I was just a kid back then, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know in my heart that my feelings were true. Alex continued, “You know what one of the memories I absolutely will never be able to forget?”

I shook my head no.

“That time we snuck into that swimming pool over at that fucking pristine—,” he let that word come out sarcastically. “Closed off residence.” His eyes began twinkling. “So many good times.”

“Alex, I—” but I’m cut off.

“Or that one time we ended up on the roof after getting drunk at Dawson’s end of the school year party, and you made that joke about slipping us roofies since we were on the roof. I found it so fucking hilarious at the time. You were always funny.”

“But I will never forget the way you and Jack acted whenever you were together. You both were just so per—” But I stopped him.

“Alex, what are you doing here?” I couldn’t understand what he was doing. Was he trying to take me on a trip down memory lane? I loved reminiscing about the past; that much was true. Those were the best times of my life, but they were always masked by regret.

He doesn’t even hesitate, almost like it’s rehearsed. “I wanted to see my best friend from high school, see what you were up to.”

It’s all too weird. “So you somehow find out where I work, which is kind of fucking creepy by the way, and then show up there unannounced?” I felt like I was getting really loud and pushy, but I couldn’t help it.

Alex held up his hands in defense, “Hey, do not get mad at me! You’re the one that’s avoiding me, I mean us, for some reason.”

I crossed my arms. “I am not avoiding you,” I told him, not even bothering to mention the other guys.

His eyes opened in shock, “Oh yeah, and what about last night? I know you saw me looking at you and what do you do? You turn around and leave. It’s like I did something wrong.”

I stood up quickly causing sushi to fall to the ground. The platter falls as well breaking into a million pieces. “You just don’t get it do you?”

“Get what!” Alex stood up too. “You’re acting just like you did in high school!”

“That’s because you’re treating me just like you did in high school, like a clueless bitch that would do anything you asked her to do. What am I supposed to expect? You only came to me whenever you wanted help with some girl.”

Our commotion has caused people to stare and the owner quickly comes to tell us that we need to leave. Alex quickly pays the bill, slaps the tip on the table and says lowly in my ear, “That is not true and you know it. Besides at least I’m not a liar.”

I freeze as Alex walks to the door. Did Jack tell him everything? Was that why he was here?

“Wait, Alex!”

I run after him. For the first time in my life I didn’t run away from my problems, I ran to the solution. I caught him half a block from the sushi place.

He stops and sighs, “What?” He asks in a tired tone.

Should I say it?

But I couldn’t, I didn’t’ have the guts to do it. “What did you mean when you called me a liar?”

Alex closed his eyes, “Jack told me that before you left you told him that you never liked him. That you just used him. You broke his heart. What I don’t understand was why? Why would you use Jack of all the people in the world, why Jack? And why would you tell him the truth? Couldn’t you just have taken your secret with you?”

I feel my nerves increase at what I was about to ask next, “He didn’t tell you why?”

I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Coming so close to telling the truth and then there was that hesitation, caution, like I had to do it, but it was still painful—yeah, exactly like walking on egg shells. I knew my feet would be cut in the process no matter how lightly I tried to walk across them.

“Why what?” He practically yelled at me and I had no idea why.

“Why I used him!” I yell back.

He runs his fingers through his hair aggressively, “How the fuck would I know when Jack refused to tell me? Why don’t you enlighten me?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. Two years of keeping my heart hidden, two years of pretending I had been nothing were painful enough but then they turned to seven years of replaying everything back in my head and wishing I could change it. Two years of torture, seven years too long.

I look at Alex terrified about what I’m about to say. “Because I was in love with you! I AM in love with you!”

It’s out and I can’t believe I’ve said it.

I close my eyes and say a little more quietly, “but you never loved me.”

In a perfect world, this unveiled secret would have made all the difference. Alex would realize he is the guy for me and that he always had feelings for me. He would see that he’s always liked me. All that stuff about Jasey, about Lisa, and all those countless other girls, didn’t matter compared to me.

In a perfect world, I would finally be happy.

In the real world, things didn’t work out so easily.

Who am I kidding? In my world, nothing went the way I wanted…

“Is that true?” I looked up at him. Those questioning eyes hadn’t changed from freshmen year of high school, only the mature face surrounding it had. I didn’t need to answer. He could see the answer in my eyes.

He grimaced. “Fuck! For how long?”

I looked down and shuffled my feet. I could feel nervous tension spreading through my entire body. I hadn’t felt this way since high school. Very slowly I mumbled, “Since the day I met you.”

“Bu-but you never said shit!” He is angry, but all I can think about was how I haven’t heard him stutter one since freshmen year until now.

“How was I supposed to when you were in love with so many other girls? We were friends, nothing else, remember?”

He starts to pace and I can tell his brain is going into overdrive, trying to remember everything. “But I did ask you that one time if you ever felt anything between us and you said no, that you liked Jack!”

I let out an aggravated groan, “That’s only because I didn’t want to make things weird between us and you were so happy knowing you were so close to getting Jasey.”

He looked past me, focusing on something in the distance. “Fuck, Jasmine. I really had no idea.”

I looked at him while he’s looking away and can’t read his expression. “Well, now you know. I’m so sorry.”

I close my eyes. He still hasn’t said anything back. The words I wanted him to say. That could only mean one thing. I just want to turn away and run. I don’t even want to go back home. I just want to run to anywhere but here. Then, I feel Alex get closer to me. When I look up he’s inches from my face.

Fear courses through my veins, but I realize it’s more of that anxious excitement. “Alex, please don’t do this if you don’t mean it.”

Without a word, very slowly he leaned down and kissed me ever so lightly barely touching my lips, but stinging all the same. My entire body heated up. He pulled away quickly. A short kiss.

I went to look at Alex’s face, to read his expression, to see if he feels the same, but he turned away and the next thing I know he’s running.

I stared at his receding figure.

And here I thought I was the one that ran from my problems…