I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

When Alex asked me to his house at school I had no idea what he wanted. I had no idea why he was suddenly nervous. So I went to his house and what happened next was a disastrous roller coaster…

The sun had begun its decent when I knocked on Alex’s door.

He opened it looking a mess. He hurried me in and shut the door quickly.

“So why am I—”

He clamped a hand over my mouth. “Shh, not yet.”

He started to lead me through his house. Silently we climbed the stairs. We went into his room and again he closed the door quickly.

“What’s with all the secrecy?” I asked playfully, but Alex just looked at me seriously.

“What? Oh no don’t tell me is there something on my face?” I joked.

Alex sat on his bed in big huff. He sighed. “Can you be serious for one second?”

I stared at him as his room got darker and darker as the sun slipped behind the horizon.

I sat down next to Alex and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. “What’s wrong? It’s obvious that something’s on your mind.”

Alex didn’t answer and soon it was dark. I could barely see his face.

“Alex? Are you still… alive.” Crap, there I went again making a joke. I swallowed and tried to hide all sarcasm from my voice. It was apparent that something was really bothering Alex and I had no idea what it was.

I stood up and turned the lights on. Alex looked horrible like something was tearing him apart from the inside.

I met his eyes, “Alex, tell me what’s wrong.”

He looked back at me. I smiled encouragingly. He smiled back.

“O-okay, the thing is… um… that I… kind of li— I mean I’ve never been kissed.” He said in a rush.

I stared at him again wondering if he was joking, but most of all I was wondering if that was really what he wanted to say. I knew my eyes were wide with disbelief.

“It’s true. I’ve never kissed a girl before.” He cheeks grew pink.

I found myself believing him. I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing.

“It’s not funny.”

I stopped. “I know it’s not.” I started laughing again. He shot me a dirty look which only made me laugh harder. “I just find it funny that you were getting all worked up over a silly kiss. It’s okay to be lip virgin a lot of people haven’t done it.”

“But you have and I know Jack has. He brags about it all the time.”

“Oh yeah, who’s Jack kissing, his inexistent girlfriend or his mother? Please, that kid is a trip.”

Alex started to chuckle. I nudge his side lightly. “Hey don’t worry about it, kay? I’ll bet you’ll get your first kiss soon.”

“Actually that’s why I asked you to come here.”

“Um… I don’t know Alex. I don’t know if I should. I mean it wouldn’t be real.”

“Can’t you kiss me as a friend? Just as friends nothing else. I know that sounds weird, but you did promise to help me get Jasey. How am I supposed to do that if I’m inexperienced?”

Jasey, Jasey, Jasey. Of course this was all about her. It always had to be about pretty little Jasey.

“If friends kissed friends, I would be making out with Jack on a daily basis. And yeah, that actually sounds really weird. God, what the hell goes on in your head? Oh, I’m going to use my friend Jasmine. I’ll just act like I like her and kiss her, but it’s not going to mean anything. You don’t even know what it’s like to love someone and have them love you back. Trust me when you kiss someone it’s because you like them not because you want them to help you in some twisted sick plot to get another girl. Why don’t you find some other girl to kiss if you want to be so experienced?”

I got up to leave but Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me back on to the bed. I landed in his lap.

“I’m sorry, Jasmine. You’re right I don’t know what it’s like to be in love with someone who loves me back, but that’s what I’m trying to do with Jasey. I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t sleep at night, because I’m thinking about her. But I’m way out of her league and I know I probably don’t stand a chance, but I at least want to try.”

His breathing was uneven like he had just finished a race and it felt warm on the back of my neck.

Why did he make it impossible for me to stay mad at him?

As I focused on all the emotions that were swelling around me –love, wanting, jealousy, guilt— I knew I was right when I forced myself not to point out that Jasey was not only two years older than him, but she also had a boyfriend. My head was spinning and everything was confusing, but one thing was screaming in my head. I couldn’t deny that I liked Alex, but he liked someone else. I would accept that, but that wouldn’t stop me from taking advantage of the situation.

And I had to admit, his lips looked very inviting.

I sighed. “Okay. One kiss.”

He leaned in slowly building up the anticipation. This was always the best part. Sure, the kiss was amazing, but nothing beat the few seconds between knowing you were about to kiss and the moment when your lips actually touched.

I kissed him lightly, barely touching his lips.

I pulled away quickly but I stayed close. He smirked.

That smirk burned in my memory. It was a look I had never seen on Alex. It was like he had control and confidence.

It was hot.

Without thinking I pressed my lips to his again, but a little more forcefully. I was shocked when he started to kiss back. His tongue licked my bottom lip.

That was my cue to stop.

“Um, I have to go.”

I ran out of his room, down his stairs and I was out of his house in flash.

My feet hit the pavement lightly. The constant movement and the steady sound calmed my fast beating heart.

Alex was always doing that. He always confused the hell out of me. I didn’t know what he wanted or what he was up to.

He was head over heels for Jasey that much was obvious. You just had to mention her name and he would flip out.

But that kiss. That kiss had to mean something.

I just didn’t know what.

It could have all just been the reaction of his first kiss.

Or maybe he could actually have feelings for me.

Or maybe it was all just wishful thinking.