I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

I’ll admit giving tips about sex to hormonal teenage boys was… awkward not to mention I didn’t know exactly what I was talking about. Although I did know what they wanted to hear or what they thought they needed to hear, so that part was easy, and even though I was still a virgin, there was one time when I almost lost it. Jack and Alex believed me so that’s all that mattered…

I was writing on my vanity mirror with a green dry erase marker that I had stolen from my mom’s desk. At the top were the words SEX, in big letters.

“It makes sex seem more real when it’s written down.” Jack whispered.

I laughed, “When, and only when you get her clothes off is sex real.”

I made a list of do’s and don’ts. Once I was finished I turned around and looked them both in the eyes seriously.

“Are you guys ready?”

They nodded eagerly.

“Are you sure?” I said raising one eyebrow.

“Jasmine, cut the crap. We only have two hours before the party starts.” Alex stated.

I huffed blowing air form my mouth sharply so that it blew my bangs up. “Fine. Thanks for ruining all my fun.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Come on!”

“Ugh, fine.” I pulled out a black chopstick that my mom though would look “beautiful in my hair” and used it as a pointer. I tapped the “Don’ts” list.

”We’ll start with the things you do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER DO if you’re trying to have sex. You got that?”

“Yes, we get it. God, Jasmine you’re acting like we’re stupid.”

I turned my back to him and mumbled, “Maybe you are.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” I said, but I knew my voice raised an octave. I pretend to write something down before turning around.

“No, I think you said something.” Alex said glaring at me.

“No, I didn’t! And maybe if you weren’t so blinded by stupid little Jasey you’d be aware that I didn’t say a fucking thing and maybe you’d be a little more perceptive.” I gasped and covered my mouth. “Shit, Alex I didn’t mean that.”

Alex ran his fingers through his hair, which now looked amazing thanks to me. “You don’t understand. When I think about Jasey I can’t think straight and you being a pussy about it doesn’t make things easier. I thought you were going to help me get her. It’s been almost a month now and nothing!”

“You don’t— you think I don’t know what you’re going through? God, you are stupid.” I said on the verge of tears.

“No! Jack’s the one who’s stupid. He’s the one who’s in love with someone who he fights with all the time.” Alex blurted suddenly caught up in the moment.

“Dude!” Jack exclaimed. He pushed Alex roughly causing him to fall the ground.

“What the hell was that for?” Alex grumbled from his new spot on the floor.

Jack looked down at Alex with wide eyes. “Are you kidding? Why the hell did you say that?!?”

“Say what?” Alex looked up at me with wide eyes. “Oh…”

I stared at Jack in shock. Jack liked me? Me?

I closed my eyes. Oh God…

When I opened them back up Alex was sitting back on the bed he was looking from me to jack apologetically.

I was getting really heated. My eyes burned from the need to cry and I could hear my heartbeat throbbing in my head. I knew I was about to blow up. I couldn’t even put things together, Jasey liked her boyfriend, Alex liked Jasey, I liked Alex, and Jack liked me. Nobody liked the right person.

“Oh, I get it.” I started to say. There was already and edge of sarcasm in my tone. “You want me to go up to Jasey and blurt, ‘hey Jasey! Guess what Alex is madly in love with you. He stalks you, drools over you, and oh yeah, I almost forgot he also has your best friend’s cell phone and he keeps a picture of you in his wallet right next to a condom? Since that’s what you just did for Jack. Is that what you think is the way to a girl’s heart? It takes time especially if you want someone like Jasey.”

Alex looked down at his fingers. His fingers looked like they were trying to break each other, because he was twisting them nervously.

“So if you don’t mind…” I looked first at Alex then Jack. “… let me finish what I was talking about earlier.”

Once again I tapped the Don’ts list.

“Number one.” I said slapping the one. “Never hook up if you want a real relationship… unless of course you’re looking for a quick fix, a one night stand.” I added as an afterthought.

“Two. Don’t kiss and tell. Actually let me rephrase that. Don’t kiss and brag. Nobody wants to hear in full detail what you and a girl did the night before especially the girl, because trust me, it will get back to her.

Numero three. Don’t ignore a girl after having sex with her. Sex, although pleasurable, is emotional.

Four, do not hook up with someone if you’re taking advantage of them. By that I mean if they’re drunk, high, or hurt. They’ll just feel worse when they wake up the next morning.

Five, don’t think about what you’re doing when you’re in the moment. Just let your body do the thinking. If you’re constantly concerned on whether you’re doing something right or wrong she’ll notice.

Six. Don’t go straight for her boobs. Show that you have respect for her.

Seven… um don’t have sex with someone to make someone else jealous. Yeah, don’t do that.”

I cleared my throat and swiped my hand across the remaining don’ts.

“That’s enough for the don’ts. Why don’t we go to the do’s.”

Jack raised his hand like he was in school.

I sighed. “Jack what are you doing?”

“Uh… I have a question.”

“Really?” I said with a hint of sarcasm.

“Why are you such a bitch?” Jack said under his breath.

Because they guy I like wants a girl who’s older than me, prettier than me and probably more experienced than me.

But instead of saying that I asked, “Was that you’re question?”

“Nooo, I was going to ask if you had a piece of paper so that I could write all of this down. I can’t even remember the first don’t.”

“You don’t want to write them down. Trust me, finding a list of sex tips isn’t good.”

“Fine.” He said exasperated. “Just tell us the do’s then.”

“One, compliment her. We like to hear we’re beautiful or whatever.”

“You’re pretty.” Jack blurted.

Alex looked at Jack and shook his head slowly.

I felt my fingertips tingle. It was something that always happened when I was embarrassed and uncomfortable.

I ignored Jack. “Two. Be honest. You think we’ll believe you have a beemer in your garage or a trust fund. It’s about personality not necessarily money. Well… in most cases. If she asks if you’re a virgin, you should probably lie about that though.

Three. Let her guide you. When you guys have sex for the first time you’re going to know exactly what you want, but for girls it’s more complicated sometimes we’re not sure. So let the girl navigate your body. That way you won’t make the mistake of doing something she doesn’t like. Sometimes a girl will lead you on just to call it off.

Four. Call her the next day. I mean it. After a girl has sex, she could be a wreck and if you really like her call her so she doesn’t feel like she made a mistake. Even though having sex with one of you guys would be mistake.” I couldn’t help adding.

“Why are you always insulting us?” Jack whined.

“Because it’s fun.” I said shrugging. “Now, let’s head on over to the party. It’s about to start.”

“Is that all?” Alex asked pointing to the mirror.

I looked at the list and shrugged. “For now.”