This Time, This One's For Us

It had been six months since Matt had left Santa Monica to come back home to Fresno. He'd picked up right where he'd left off, and was back living at his parent's house.

He'd started college, late, but he was working to catch up with the rest of the students in his classes.

Life was pretty much just how it had been before. The life he had tried to escape had caught up with him and dragged him back. He wasn't completely unhappy though. He had always known the life he'd been living in Santa Monica wouldn't last forever.

The only thing that was missing from his old life was Maggie.

Matt hadn't heard from her or spoken to her since he'd left. Not that that surprised him. She hadn't been very receptive to hearing from him before he'd left.

He wondered where she was, how she was, what she was doing. And he thought about all the time they'd spent in Santa Monica together. He missed her a lot, all the little things about her. The way her cheap perfume smelled on his sheets. The way she walked and smiled when she was clearly unhappy about something. The Black Crowes song he heard every so often on the radio. He'd even gone out one night since he'd been home and bought a pack of her bad cigarettes, and come home and smoked the whole pack in a few hours. His mother hadn't been happy about the smell, but he pretty much just told her to mind her own business.

His entire attitude had changed. The last two days that he'd been in Santa Monica had changed the way he looked at things forever. He'd become a lot less trusting, and very cynical. All he cared about was finishing his school and figuring out what to do from there. His parents had pushed him to start seeing other girls, but he had no interest in it. No matter how much he denied it to himself, his heart was somewhere else.

He had turned back into the kid he had been before he had met Daniel, except much more in touch with the real world.

It was the middle of March. He had just gotten home from his classes for the day, and now he had a stack of books to read for a test he had to complete tomorrow.

Matt stomped into the house, not especially happy about how he had to spend his entire evening, and went straight back to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. His parents just gave each other a look, then went back to what they had been doing.

They had gotten used to Matt's behavior. He wasn't always especially fun to be around like he had been before, but they were just glad to have him back home, doing what he was supposed to be doing.

Matt dropped his things on his bed and immediately lit a cigarette. His mind went back to a conversation he and Maggie had months earlier when she'd told him that he wasn't old enough to smoke. He shook his head at the memory, and looked down at his books.

***

Maggie sat outside in her car and watched the whole scene unfold. She'd been sitting there for a couple hours, waiting for Matt to come home. Finally his car had pulled in, and she watched as he had stomped into the house. He obviously hadn't had a very good day, and that made her even more nervous than she had already been about coming here.

She reached up and grabbed at her necklace, wrenching the ring and cross back and forth a few times.

"Wish me luck, Danny," she whispered.

She got out of the car and walked across the street to the familiar house. She walked up the front steps and knocked lightly on the door, half praying that no one would answer and she could just leave.

A few moments later though, Matt's mother answered the door, looking shocked to see her.

"Maggie. What are you doing here? How are you?"

"I'm fine. Is Matt here? I would like to talk to him, if I can."

"Of course he's here. He's back in his room, as usual." she rolled her eyes and gave a light hearted smile. Maggie smiled back nervously.

"Well come on in, sweetheart," his mother said, moving to the side so she could come in. "You can just go on back. You know the way."

"Thank you," she said quietly.

As Matt's mother moved off towards the kitchen, Maggie walked to Matt's bedroom. His door was closed, just like always. She stood in front of the door for a second before knocking. Her heart was beating out of her chest. Finally she knocked, softly, like she had outside.

She heard Matt's footsteps on the other side of the door. She looked down at the doorknob as it turned, and was still looking there when the door opened. She looked up at Matt, and saw the same shock on his face that was on his mother's.

"Hey Matty," she said to him. She was waiting for some kind of reaction. A 'hello,' a door slammed in her face, anything. But he just stood there.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said quickly, shaking his head though as if he meant the opposite of what he'd said. He moved out of the way and she followed him into the room.

Matt went over and sat in his desk chair, and she stood with her back to the door.

He couldn't believe that she was here. She wore faded jeans and a long sleeved, cream colored sweater that he could see her bra through, and black high-heels. Her hair was still brown, and she'd had bangs cut into it.

"Wow. This is weird," Maggie said, cutting through the silence. "I can't believe I'm doing this." Her voice sounded nervous.

"What are you doing here, Maggie?" he asked her, his voice full of attitude.

"I... I don't really know. No, that's a lie. I do know, but it's just... kind of hard to say, you know?" he gave her a confused look.

"You look good," she told him.

"Look, Maggie. Why don't you just say what you came to say? You've obviously got something on your mind."

"You were always able to read me like a book," she said with a smile. He looked away from her, out his window. He couldn't look at her smiling. He knew what would happen.

"I heard you were going to college," she said.

"Yeah. Just like Mom and Dad wanted."

"That's nice that you're doing it for them. They're probably really proud of you."

"I guess."

"I've been taking some classes. Not much, just some stuff to get my feet wet, you know?"

"Good for you." He was giving her a total stare down, and it was making her nervous.

"I'm, uh, I've been clean for five months now." He raised his eyebrows.

"Wow."

"Yeah. I went back to rehab after you left. I just... realized that I needed to change. I had just watched the best thing that had ever happened to me walk out the door, and it hit me." she stared at the ground. "I know it sounds like too little, too late. But, I did it. For the first time in my life, I did something that I could be proud of. I couldn't do it for you, and I hate that." she paused for a second.

"In a way, I did it for you. It was because of you leaving that I realized what a mess my life had become."

"Don't try to make that about me. I'm glad you did it. You needed to get help. I just wish you would have realized that when I was trying to give it to you," he said.

"Me too," she whispered. She wiped at her eye like she had something in it. In reality she was trying to keep from crying.

"You staying with your mom?" he asked.

"God no," she said. Laughing a little after she said it. He was silent, waiting for her response.

"I've been in Santa Monica this whole time. I'm staying with an old friend while I'm here."

"How long are you here for?"

"I don't know."

"Maggie, I know you didn't come here to tell me that you're clean and that you're taking some classes. So why don't you just say it." She nodded.

"You're right." He sighed.

"I've had a lot of time to think about everything that happened in Santa Monica, and even before. I did a lot of things that I know hurt you. I hope that you know I never meant to hurt you. You were probably the last person in this world that I would ever want to hurt. You've done so much for me, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." She had a few tears falling down her cheeks as she finished, but she wiped them away with the sleeve of her sweater.

"You did hurt me, Maggie. A lot."

"I know."

"But I forgive you. You weren't in your right frame of mind, and I know that. I know that you wouldn't have hurt me on purpose. It's in the past."

"Really?"

"I never could stay mad at you. And you know I hate to see you crying." She smiled and wiped away a tear.

"Thank you," she said softly. "Hearing you say that is going to make this next part a lot easier." He frowned. He'd said what he had said, but he really didn't know how much more of this he could take.

"When you left, you told me some things that I didn't understand then. But I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I understand it now. And it took a lot for me to forgive myself for all of the things that I've done, and what I thought that I did to Daniel. I don't blame myself for his death anymore, you know?"

"That's good, it wasn't your fault." She nodded quickly, and continued rambling.

"And you know, I realized, that now that I've got all this figured out a little, I don't have to settle. I don't have to be with these guys like Joe that mistreat me. Then I thought of you, and everything you said to me, and I know this isn't making any sense, but I promise it will." he smirked and looked down at the floor.

"You told me that you loved me, but I wasn't in a place where I could except it then. I just, didn't want anything that was good for me. I was living down to my expectations."

"Maggie, what are you saying?"

"I love you. I love you. I don't really know what else to say, but I love you, Matty." She walked across the room and fell to her knees in front of him.

"I know that I hurt you, and that I've done a lot of really bad things. I didn't know what love was before, then I heard what you said to me, and I watched you leave. And the way I felt when you left. It was like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I just wanted you, and I wanted you to come back to me, and to love me again like you said that you did."

"Maggie-"

"Please, I'm on my knees here, Matty. I promise you, I can love you better this time. I just need you to let me. Tell me that things haven't changed, and that you still love me, and we can make this work." He looked down at her and sighed.

"Get up," he whispered. He grabbed her around her elbows and stood up, urging her to do the same.

When they were both standing, he wiped her tears away with his thumbs.

"There was a time not that long ago, when I would have given anything to hear you say those words to me. When we were in Santa Monica, I couldn't imagine not being with you. You made me feel like there was nobody else in the whole world. But a lot has changed. Even if I did say that I still love you, and we could be together. I don't know if I could ever trust you again. And how can I be in a relationship like that. You can't expect me to just forget everything that happened, you know? It would take a lot more than you just telling me that you love me, for me to be able to trust you again." She reached up and wiped her eyes again.

"So what are you saying, Matt?" He drew in a ragged breath.

"I just, can't do it right now. I need time, Mags." She smiled then.

"Okay."

"I do still love you. I'm not getting over you any time soon. But I just need time." She shook her head and smiled again.

"I understand, Matty. You don't have to explain." She reached down and grabbed her purse quickly.

"I've gotta go," she said, turning towards the door. "It was really good to see you again. Promise you'll stay in touch?"

"You don't have to go."

"Yes I do. Places to go, you know? Now promise you'll stay in touch?"

"Yeah." She smiled at him again, her face glowing, then as fast as she came, she was gone again.

Matt stood in his bedroom for a few moments, until he heard the front screen door close, then he ran out of the room after her.

He threw open the door and saw her across the street about to get in her car.

"Maggie!" he yelled. She looked up at him.

"What?"

"How will I get ahold of you?"

"You'll figure it out." She opened up her car door.

"Are you going back?" he yelled. She smiled at him and walked back across the street to him.

"No. This time I'm staying home," she said. She kissed him on the lips, then turned and walked back to her car. This time getting in and driving away. Leaving him standing on his front steps.

He watched her go, this time knowing that it wouldn't be the last time he saw her, or the last time he kissed her.