Release
Let Go.
Deep breaths Ary, deep breaths. Count. One. Two. Three. Four. Five Six. And Seven. One for each issue. One. One is for A. A is for me. Me, I am ugly. At least I think I am, all of my friends disagree and I know I should believe them but I just can’t. Every time I look in the mirror all I see is her. My twin, Cally. I killed her. The accident, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to, everything happened so fast.
Okay. One is done Ary. You got this. You can do this. Do it for Cally, and do it for you. Two. Two is for B. B is for beautiful. This is something I’m not. But so many of things I love, and have loved are. For example, my mom, butterflies, my faith, Cally. God I miss Cally. Don’t lose focus, this isn’t her balloon. Life is beautiful and you can’t waste it on silly things. So think about the beautiful things in life, and enjoy what few glimpses of heaven you get.
Deep breath Ary and go. Three. Three is for C. C is for Cally. Cally is was my twin sister. I miss her so much. The whole thing was an accident. I didn’t mean to kill her. We fought that night, and she ran, like she always has since we were little. She used to just run to the tree house, and hide up there until one of us decided to make-up with the other. But as we got older her hiding places got further and further away. Then when we started being able to drive her hiding place was driving. We fought and she ran. I got worried when she didn’t come home the next night. They found her car smashed on the road the next day, she was hit by a drunk driver. Both of them were injured though only my sister was severely injured. Theu pronounced her dead on site. It’s my fault that she’s gone, had I not gone off on her for borrowing my stuff without asking she might still be here. I love and miss you Cally.
Half way-ish. Almost done. Four. Four is for D. D is for driving. Something I am deathly afraid to do after my sisters untimely demise. I miss her so much, and driving took her away from me. I miss driving. I used to love it, but now every time I get in a car I start thinking of how much Cally loved to drive, and loved being in the car. I’m afraid to drive but I know Cally would want me to drive again. So I will do it for her.
Two more. Five. Five is for E. E is for Edmond. Edmond was Cally’s boyfriend. I saw him at her funeral. He was just as upset as I was. We talked about how Cally and him were convinced that they were in love, and that it would last. If Cally was still here they might be married now. I still talk with Edmond sometimes. We see each other in the cemetery occasionally on her birthday and things.
One more. Six. Six is for F. F is for failure. Failure is…me. I killed my sister. I am failing high school. I lost all my friends after Cally’s accident because I pulled away, and now our little group broke up. I am never going to get into a good college because my grades are slipping because I can’t seem to get to school on time, or even focus once we get there.
Last one. Seven. Seven is for G. G is for God. God is my best friend and the one watching over my sister. God is the only thing keeping me going right now. I truly believe that Cally is sitting in heaven laughing and a great time. And if she looked down and saw mw like this she’d be disappointed that I didn’t keeping living for her. And that, is why I am doing this. Writing on these balloons. I am doing this to let go of, figuratively and literally, all of my negative feelings, and to let of the bits of things I am holding onto. My therapist suggested this a while ago. But I didn’t think it was a very good idea, but now, now I think it’s brilliant. Goodbye Cally.
Deep breath. You’re all done Ary. Now run. Keep breathing. Now stop. Think about this spot and all the happy things we did as kids here. Now let go to all of them. I love you Ary. Is whispered in my ear. And I spin around quickly and see no one. I smile to myself and whisper, “I love you too Cal.” The wind picks up and whips my hair around me then it starts to rain, slowly at first but it starts to pick up. I am standing on top of the only hill in a few miles, soaking wet, in the rain. Crying and letting everything out. A little while later, I drag myself away from our favorite place and start to walk home in the cold rain.
Okay. One is done Ary. You got this. You can do this. Do it for Cally, and do it for you. Two. Two is for B. B is for beautiful. This is something I’m not. But so many of things I love, and have loved are. For example, my mom, butterflies, my faith, Cally. God I miss Cally. Don’t lose focus, this isn’t her balloon. Life is beautiful and you can’t waste it on silly things. So think about the beautiful things in life, and enjoy what few glimpses of heaven you get.
Deep breath Ary and go. Three. Three is for C. C is for Cally. Cally is was my twin sister. I miss her so much. The whole thing was an accident. I didn’t mean to kill her. We fought that night, and she ran, like she always has since we were little. She used to just run to the tree house, and hide up there until one of us decided to make-up with the other. But as we got older her hiding places got further and further away. Then when we started being able to drive her hiding place was driving. We fought and she ran. I got worried when she didn’t come home the next night. They found her car smashed on the road the next day, she was hit by a drunk driver. Both of them were injured though only my sister was severely injured. Theu pronounced her dead on site. It’s my fault that she’s gone, had I not gone off on her for borrowing my stuff without asking she might still be here. I love and miss you Cally.
Half way-ish. Almost done. Four. Four is for D. D is for driving. Something I am deathly afraid to do after my sisters untimely demise. I miss her so much, and driving took her away from me. I miss driving. I used to love it, but now every time I get in a car I start thinking of how much Cally loved to drive, and loved being in the car. I’m afraid to drive but I know Cally would want me to drive again. So I will do it for her.
Two more. Five. Five is for E. E is for Edmond. Edmond was Cally’s boyfriend. I saw him at her funeral. He was just as upset as I was. We talked about how Cally and him were convinced that they were in love, and that it would last. If Cally was still here they might be married now. I still talk with Edmond sometimes. We see each other in the cemetery occasionally on her birthday and things.
One more. Six. Six is for F. F is for failure. Failure is…me. I killed my sister. I am failing high school. I lost all my friends after Cally’s accident because I pulled away, and now our little group broke up. I am never going to get into a good college because my grades are slipping because I can’t seem to get to school on time, or even focus once we get there.
Last one. Seven. Seven is for G. G is for God. God is my best friend and the one watching over my sister. God is the only thing keeping me going right now. I truly believe that Cally is sitting in heaven laughing and a great time. And if she looked down and saw mw like this she’d be disappointed that I didn’t keeping living for her. And that, is why I am doing this. Writing on these balloons. I am doing this to let go of, figuratively and literally, all of my negative feelings, and to let of the bits of things I am holding onto. My therapist suggested this a while ago. But I didn’t think it was a very good idea, but now, now I think it’s brilliant. Goodbye Cally.
Deep breath. You’re all done Ary. Now run. Keep breathing. Now stop. Think about this spot and all the happy things we did as kids here. Now let go to all of them. I love you Ary. Is whispered in my ear. And I spin around quickly and see no one. I smile to myself and whisper, “I love you too Cal.” The wind picks up and whips my hair around me then it starts to rain, slowly at first but it starts to pick up. I am standing on top of the only hill in a few miles, soaking wet, in the rain. Crying and letting everything out. A little while later, I drag myself away from our favorite place and start to walk home in the cold rain.
♠ ♠ ♠
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