Status: Drabble
Choked Up
it's a choked-up feeling in my heart
A moan escapes my mouth. Tears are falling down my cheeks and spit dribbles down my chin. I know what I’m doing is just wrong, absolutely and completely wrong. It doesn’t matter, though, does it? There’s no one to stop me and those freak stories I hear about a ruptured stomach or oesophagus and rotting teeth, well, I just don’t care. It can cause death; that’s what so many people warn us about. But, what if you don’t even care if you die?
It’s funny how before I started doing this, when I kept reading stories about it, wondering what it’s like, wondering if I could do it, it still turned out so different. In most stories, it’s implied to be something quick, just stick your fingers down your throat and viola! You’ll vomit up all you wanted gone and wash your teeth and then that’s it, it’s over, everything’s good again. Occasionally, some stories have even included the sore throat afterwards. And that’s the first time the character’s ever done it too, which makes it even more unrealistic.
That’s not how it is, at all. I couldn’t even manage to do it my first time; it’s a lot more difficult than you’d think. My throat felt like it was closing up after; and during it, so much spit spilled out onto my hands. I didn’t even know I held that much spit in my body. And when I gagged, it felt like my stomach was wrenching up. To be honest, my first time trying this was pretty painful.
I’ve been doing this for a few months now. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to but that might just be because I’m getting used to it. It’s routine. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I’d never started but now, it’s like an addiction. I just can’t stop. The more I try to eat, the more I throw it all up.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone – all of it is just terrible. The gagging, the taste, the spit, the sore throats, the choked-up feeling. Each time I do it, I break down crying, even with my fingers still in my throat. I just wish someone would notice and stop me.
Because it’s impossible to stop myself.
It’s funny how before I started doing this, when I kept reading stories about it, wondering what it’s like, wondering if I could do it, it still turned out so different. In most stories, it’s implied to be something quick, just stick your fingers down your throat and viola! You’ll vomit up all you wanted gone and wash your teeth and then that’s it, it’s over, everything’s good again. Occasionally, some stories have even included the sore throat afterwards. And that’s the first time the character’s ever done it too, which makes it even more unrealistic.
That’s not how it is, at all. I couldn’t even manage to do it my first time; it’s a lot more difficult than you’d think. My throat felt like it was closing up after; and during it, so much spit spilled out onto my hands. I didn’t even know I held that much spit in my body. And when I gagged, it felt like my stomach was wrenching up. To be honest, my first time trying this was pretty painful.
I’ve been doing this for a few months now. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to but that might just be because I’m getting used to it. It’s routine. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I’d never started but now, it’s like an addiction. I just can’t stop. The more I try to eat, the more I throw it all up.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone – all of it is just terrible. The gagging, the taste, the spit, the sore throats, the choked-up feeling. Each time I do it, I break down crying, even with my fingers still in my throat. I just wish someone would notice and stop me.
Because it’s impossible to stop myself.