Pride

I promise myself that I will enjoy myself this weekend. There will be no thoughts of Kai and his idiotic ways. It’ll just be snowboarding down the mountain, falling off into piles of snow and pure enjoyment. There will be no questions, no confusion and no feelings of complete and utter betrayal. It will be fun, pure fun.

Although I promise myself this, it doesn’t go as planned. Every time I manage to fall on my ass, I start to laugh and hold up my hand for Kai to take. However, Kai isn’t there and I realize this when I open my eyes and begin to look around. The idiot isn’t anywhere to be seen in his usual blue gear. He isn’t here to help me up. He isn’t here for me to shout at every time he laughs at me for tumbling over. He isn’t here with me.

The strings to my heart tug and it hurts. I place my glove covered hand over my chest and squeeze, as if that’ll help the pain eating away inside me. I don’t know why I’m overreacting. It’s fine, great really that Kai has managed to decide where he wants to go. He wants to become a doctor after all and what better place than WVU? It has a great program for that. It’s great that he has another friend besides me. I’ve always told him he needed one…

But why does it hurt so bad? I understand why he wouldn’t tell me about WVU. I would have flipped because that means he’d have to move so far away. I’d be angry at first but I would eventually get over it. It’s Kai’s life and he should do what he wants, what will help him. Still…he should have told me. Instead I have to hear it from his mother because he’s being so fucking stupid!

I slam my fist into the snow and stand up once more. Huffing, I start down the slope again, slightly feeling the cool wind biting its way through my mask. I try my best to push back all thoughts of that stupid fucker, Kai. I forget about Garrett and how Kai seems to enjoy spending time with him more than me. I forget about the fact that at the end of this year Kai will be accepted into WVU. I push away all thoughts of Kai packing up his things and moving away, ending our friendship for good. I forget about the pain in my chest and focus on having fun because right now I really need it.

That night I’m sitting in front of the fire with a large cup of hot coco that mother made with Shania right beside me. I’m wearing my favorite purple sweater that always keeps me warm while up here. Mom and dad are cuddling together on the couch, watching some romance movie on TV. Normally I would yell and complain about it…but I’m just not in the mood.

My mind is still trying to wrap itself around all the information Kai’s mom has given me. I’m not sure how I should talk to him on Monday. What should I say? I know that Kai will find out I spoke with his mom. She will definitely scold him for lying to her and me. He’ll probably get mad about me going to ask her and he’ll say something to piss me off more. Then we’ll get into an argument, he’ll apologize and I’ll forgive him.

I won’t let that happen. If we fight, I am not forgiving him. He’s been such a jerk lately, he doesn’t deserve it. I want him to beg for our friendship. I want him to do something to show that he actually still gives a damn about us! I’m tired of being left out and clueless. I want to know what’s going on and why he’s doing this. I’m tired of acting like such a girl because of him. Stupid Kai!

Sighing, I look back at my parents who are happily cuddled together on the couch. Mom is lying down in front of him while he’s resting behind her with his arms around her waist. Both of them are wearing stupid love struck smiles while mom delicately strokes his arms. They look so happy together…

I wish Kai were here so we could cu-…wait a second. What the hell was I about to say!? A loud smacking sound echoes throughout the cabin and both my parents watch in amusement while Shania bursts into hysterical laughter as I continuously slap my cheeks, screaming incoherently.

No! No way do I wish Kai were here! He’s a jerk, a complete asshole who deserves to be thrown into a pit of fire. Fuck him, that little piece of shit needs to die. Die, die, die I tell you! There is no way I was about to say that. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. I need to go wash my mind. That isn’t possible but damn it I will find a way! Ew! Gross!

“Shiloh, are you all right?” Mom laughs, watching as I silently murder myself.

“Yes,” I reply, rubbing my now sore cheeks that are probably starting to swell a bit from the force I was previously using. I am going to kill that boy. He will die a slow a painful death, I promise. “I’m gonna…go call Mindy or something.”

“Uh huh…,” dad chuckles as I walk into the kitchen where I pick up the phone. Jumping up on the counter, I dial Mindy’s number and pray for her to answer. I need to talk to her in order to get my mind off stupid things like Kai.

“I swear if this is about Kai I will behead you.”

“Nice to hear you too,” I mumble more to myself than her. Really, I don’t get why she’s so angry, talking so often to a hunk like me. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with her. Maybe she’s a lesbian and that’s why she doesn’t appreciate my value? That is obviously the reason.

Mindy sighs, “So what are you up to?”

“Nothing really…without Kai around-” I stop myself before I say anything more. Didn’t I already tell myself that I wouldn’t think about Kai anymore? I’ve been saying this since I’ve got here but it still hasn’t worked. I sigh. “I’m…not doing anything.”

Mindy must realize that I have no desire to talk about Kai. I don’t want to even think about him or hear his name. I’m tired of him and his bullshit and I guess Mindy knows this because she changes the subject fast. Thanks to her I go about two hours without even thinking of the boy. She manages to keep my mind off things and I focus on her and whatever she talks about. I don’t thank her but I’m sure she knows that she helped me even if it was just for a little bit.

“Well I got to go, Shiloh. It’s getting late and I’m beat.”

“When did the subject suddenly change to your vagina?”

“Fuck you,” she howls. “I am never helping you out again!” She hangs up before I have time to say anything more. Laughing, I set down the phone and finally hop off the kitchen counter. It’s nearly midnight so I decide to go to bed so I can wake up early tomorrow and go up the slope.

I’m curling up in my bed when I notice my phone. I don’t know why but I decide to pick it up and check for any missed messages. When I flip open the phone I see a text…from Kai. It makes me growl but I open it anyways to read, How are the slopes? Are you having fun?

I bite my lip. I really just want to call him and tell him that he should die because he’s a backstabbing asshole. I don’t do that though. Instead I answer his text, it’s great, without you around I can actually have some fun. You should hang out with Garrett more often since you seem to enjoy his company more than mine.

I don’t get a reply back. It’s hard to tell if I’m happy or angry about it. I kind of want to talk to Kai because I want him to tell me things. At the same time, I just want him to disappear so I won’t have to put up with this anymore. Now isn’t the time to think about this though. This weekend is supposed to be fun and damn it, I’m going to have fun.