Pride

I’m currently kicking major ass on Call of Duty when my balcony door slides open. I don’t know if I should be concerned about the fact that I didn’t even bother checking who it was. I’m about to ask him what’s up and tell him how fucking amazing I am because I’m currently top in the match but I don’t get the chance. The controller is knocked from my hand and the console’s chord is ripped from the wall.

“The fuck is your problem!” I hiss, jumping to my feet and grasping the boy’s shirt. Kai doesn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that I am so ready to punch him. His mind seems to be in a completely different world.

“What happened today?” His voice doesn’t sound at all like how it usually does. There’s no stutter or a sense of nervousness. He just sounds determined to find the answer to his question.

“The hell you talkin’ about?” I let go of his shirt because the tension in the air is enough to inform me that a fight will not be a good idea.

“Mindy and you…you’re together? Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?”

I scoff and instead of denying that fact about Mindy and I, I say, “You didn’t tell me about Garrett.”

“That’s different!” Kai stomps his foot and maybe that is partially true. He’s dating a guy and anyone would feel worried about telling someone they’re interested in the same sex. However, we’re best friends so it’s different. He should have told me as soon as it happened.

“Like hell it is,” I growl menacingly. I can’t stand having Kai’s glare meeting my own so I turn away and head over to my Xbox. Kai growls and I know he’s pissed that I’m tampering with the thing instead of talking to him. “You didn’t tell me about Garrett so stop being hypocritical…besides, Mindy and I aren’t even together so stop getting your panties in a bunch.”

What I said must have shocked Kai because he falls silent. After I plug my game console back in and return to my seat on the floor, Kai finally works up the courage to talk. “Y-You aren’t?”

“Are you deaf? I just answered that.” I sigh and finally look back at Kai. He’s sitting on my bed now, hands pressed between his legs and eyes pointed downwards at his feet. The guilty expression on his face is the reason I head over to him and take a seat at his side. He leans into me, his head pressing itself against my shoulder. “You always overreact.”

“T-That’s because you a-always worry me.”

I scoff. “I should be the one saying that.”

The tension that was once in the room disappears. Once again we fought and made up in the matter of about ten minutes. It’s kind of funny how things work between us. One will accuse the other of something they may or may not have done and somehow, someway we manage to make up pretty easily. Of course, there have been times, like the time in the last few months, where it’s taken a while to make up but we always do. I’m glad.

I…I really don’t know what I’d do without Kai. We do so much together that when he isn’t around it just feels wrong. Maybe Mindy’s right…we’re the only ones right for each other. Or maybe that’s just my selfish desire to monopolize him?

Kai stirs beside me and after finally lifting his head he asks me a question that I am not sure how to answer. “So…why did you two a-act like you were dating?”

Damn. Mindy never told me how I was supposed to explain her behavior. Telling him it was her trying to make him feel jealous over me would just be stupid. What else can I say though? If I said anything else it’d be a lie and honestly, we don’t need anything else in our lives to mess up our friendship. It’s been through enough these last few months. I just want things to be normal for a while.

Sighing, I make up my mind and decide to go with the truth. “Mindy’s just dumb. She thinks that you and I like each other in a more than friendly way and was trying to make you jealous. Isn’t she silly?” I laugh but something in my chest feels heavy. Every time I breathe my lungs fill with air but it’s stale and becomes hard to exhale. My laughter dies down as I feel the overwhelming sadness rising in my chest. I play it off as nothing. “She’s just a weird fan girl or something. As if we’d ever be like that! Haha, I mean we’re guys and I’m not a fairy like you. We’re best friends, it’d just be weird!”

Every word I said felt wrong and the moment I said them I regretted it. Biting my lip, I take a glance at Kai to see him staring at me with a blank expression. Though there isn’t a single emotion showing on his face, something inside me says I just said something really terrible.

“Y-Yeah…” Kai’s voice seems lower than usual. “She’s…r-really weird…like t-that’d e-ever h-h-happen.”

Shit. What’s wrong with him? He isn’t supposed to act like what I just said tore him in half. He’s supposed to agree with it, laugh with me and everything goes back to normal.

But he doesn’t. Kai runs his fingers through his hair, like he’s hoping that it’ll show he isn’t affected by my words. The way his teeth bite his lower lip and his eyes glaze over with tears, I know I just fucked up. But what did I do? That’s the truth, isn’t it? I’m not gay. Kai is dating Garrett. We’re best friends. What is it that I said that made…that made everything feel like such shit?

“Kai…” I don’t even know what I want to say. I just don’t want to see him cry. I don’t want to see that expression on his face that clearly states how hurt he is. Seeing Kai like that, it’s like hell. My stomach hurts and my arms twitch with the impulse to reach out and grab him. I just want to pull him into my chest and hold him, tell him things are going to be ok and I’m sorry for what I just said…but I don’t do it. I can’t because if I do I know something is going to happen that shouldn’t. Am I even making sense right now?

I don’t know. I’m not even thinking correctly.

“It’s l-late…”

It’s only 8.

“I’m g-g-gonna go. I told Garrett I’d c-call him.”

I don’t want you to talk to him.

Kai stands up and heads for the balcony. This is the part where I’m supposed to run after him. I’m supposed to jump up and reach out for him like in all those cheesy romance stories and when I finally manage to get a hold of him we will admit our feelings. This is supposed to be the part where everything goes on happily but my pride keeps me from doing anything.

Admit our feelings? What feelings? We’re both guys. We’re best friends. As a man I have grown up liking girls and that’s how it’s supposed to be. I am supposed to like girls. I’m supposed to go out with one, marry her, have sex and then have children. That’s supposed to be my life.

I’m not gay and I definitely don’t like Kai.