Pride

And so once again I have managed to mess things up. It just seems like no matter how hard Kai and I try, our friendship just won’t return to normal. Is it because we’ve lost the trust in each other we once had? Is it because Kai has finally broken partially out of his shell and got himself a boyfriend? What is it, exactly, that keeps us from being like we used to be? The answer is on the tip of my tongue but I can’t admit to it because it’d shatter my pride.

Sighing, I lean back in the desk and gaze upwards towards the ceiling. It’s an ugly beige color, covered with specks from only god knows what. There’s a blue sticky man that has been stuck to the ceiling for ages. No one is sure where it came from or how the hell it is still up there but it is. For some reason today I’m fascinated with it. I can’t tear my eyes away.

Before I know it, class is over and for once I wish it wasn’t. Thinking about the mystery of the little blue man made me stop thinking about the troubles with Kai but now that I have nothing to keep my attention, I’m back to him again. Since Kai has so many advanced classes we don’t have too many classes together.

Usually he and I are depressed about that but right now, I’m grateful. I thank God, if there is one, for making him so smart because right now I don’t know what to say or do. This morning things just seemed…off. The way we spoke, the way we acted around each other wasn’t the same as it usually was.

Mindy, of course, tried talking to us about it. However, I said nothing to her and Kai avoided her at all costs. For once I didn’t want to tell her about our problems. I know exactly what she’d say. She’d say something embarrassing about how the two of us just need to get over ourselves and admit we like each other.

Which we don’t. We’re friends and that’s it.

At least, I hope we are. With the way we’re acting, I’m frightened our friendship won’t even make it through this.

I sigh for the umpteenth time that day and take my seat. Class passes by slowly and at the end of the day I find myself walking home alone. Kai and I usually met at my locker. I’ll never tell him that I waited nearly 20 minutes for him, the principal had to practically force me to leave. When I arrive home, my mother is worried.

“Where have you been? You’re normally home by now. When I saw Kai get home before you I thought something might have happened. If you’re going to hang out with friends after school you need to tell me!” Mom’s words go in one ear, out the other.

“Yeah, sorry.” I wave her off and head back to my room. She follows me.

“Honey…is something wrong?” She asks, peering into my room with a concerned frown. “What happened?”

“I don’t even know myself,” I laugh sadly, falling back onto my bed with a heavy sigh. My chest feels heavy and I don’t know what to do about it. I wish life was simpler, signs should pop up and tell us what we should do in these types of situations. I’m really not smart enough to figure it out myself.

“Do you…want to talk about it?” Mom is sitting on the side of my bed now, her hands combing through my hair like she did when I was little. Although I will never say this out loud, I really like it when she does this. It’s comforting but I smack her hand away. I’m not a child.

“No thanks. I’m good.” I send her a smile for reassurance but it must not have been too convincing because she seemed reluctant to leave. She did though, eventually. When she calls for dinner later on that night I don’t bother going. I don’t feel hungry.

I really should go talk to Kai…about something, anything. If we just talk I know that someway or another we’ll be ok. Maybe we won’t voice our true thoughts or feelings about the other day but…if we can just see how comfortable we can be around each other it’ll be ok. Right?

I heave myself out of bed and hop out onto my balcony. I glance at Kai’s doors but the curtains are closed just enough so I can only see one side of his room. His TV is on so that tells me that he’s home. I smile because there’s this small feeling of hope lighting in my chest. That small amount of hope gives me enough courage to hop over to his side.

The moment I pass the curtains, I rush back to hide behind them, slowly peeking into the glass to see what’s inside. Just like that, my hope is crushed. I don’t know why though. It’s perfectly normal. They’re dating, after all.

Inside, Kai is pressing between Garrett’s thighs, leaning over him with his lips on Garrett‘s. Their shirts were already discarded and forgotten on the floor while they hungrily traced over each other. Seeing them so engrossed with each other made me sick. Not in the way that everyone probably thinks.

I didn’t feel at all disgusted at knowing that Kai really is interested in men. The sickness came from my chest, it felt like a sweltering pain that ate away at me until my legs gave out and I fell before reaching my bed. Leaning my head against the mattress, I hum sadly to myself and try to erase that image from my mind.

I don’t want to think about it.

I must not have heard her because my bedroom door opened to show my little sister standing there with her math book against her chest. The moment she lays eyes on me, she shuts the door and rushes over to me. Falling to her knees in front of me, she asks, “Shi, why are you crying?”

My eyes widen in shock. Crying?

Slowly, I bring my fingers up to rest beneath my eye. When I feel the moisture I realize that it’s true. I’m crying. Although the tears are coming out slowly they’re still there and I don’t know why. Kai and Garrett…they’re dating.

I wish they weren’t.

“I…I don’t know,” I reply, angry that my voice sounds so weak. I’m acting like a girl who just got broken up with. Shania frowns and before I can do anything, she wraps her arms around me and guides my head to the crock of her neck.

“I won’t tell,” she whispers, telling me that if I want to cry I could. For a second I debate on pushing her away and telling her to get lost but the constant tugging of my heart makes me realize that no matter how hard I try, the tears will still come.

I wrap my arms tightly around her and press my face into her neck. Silently, I cry into her shoulder and curse myself for being so weak.