Pride

To say I felt sick would be a bit of an understatement. Sick cannot even describe the feeling I have right now but I suppose that is the only word that comes close so I’ll use it. I feel very, very sick as I stand here, watching Kai pack his things from the apartment to the car on the streets below.

And here I am, helping him move his things. It’s strange passing by him without even bothering to look his way. I guess, in a way, I’m pissed. Why shouldn’t I be? My boyfriend is leaving for college where he will be rooming with three other guys. We’re going to be miles apart with the possibility of never seeing each other again.

Yeah, I’m kind of pissed off.

I know we discussed this but it still doesn’t change the fact that we won’t be seeing each other for a while. I hate the idea of Kai being out there without me. What if he meets someone new? Oh look, now I’m getting self-conscious. Really Kai I’m going to fucking kill you for making me like this.

“Shi, are you there?”

A hand waving in my face forces me to blink and return to reality. Shaking my head, I find Kai standing in front of me looking concerned. I roll my eyes, grab one of the many boxes full of his things and head for the car. Kai is silently following behind me.

On the street are his parents, each of them arranging his belongings in the car for a comfortable ride, or at least as comfortable as a 12 hour ride can be. Mrs. McFallen smiles after I hand her the last of Kai’s things. She suggests for Kai to say good-bye to my parents along with Shania, which Kai agrees to.

“C-Come with me,” Kai says, tugging on my arm shyly. The boy looks at me through his fringe. He resembles a child when looking at me like that. I bite my lip because I know Kai plans on dragging me off to his apartment, a secluded area, to talk.

I guess we have to though. I can’t have Kai leaving when I’m pissed. So I sigh and allow Kai to take me to, as I expected, his apartment. Once inside, Kai decides to be dominant for once and presses me against the door. With his arms placed on either side of me, I have no place to run but that doesn’t mean I’m going to look at him.

“I’ll call everyday,” Kai says softly. The boy leans over to rest his forehead against mine. I feel his breath fanning across my face and his eyes patiently waiting for me to look in his direction. When I don’t, Kai sighs. “I love you, Shiloh. Y-You know that, right?”

“Of course I know that, dumb ass,” I huff and throw my arms over my chest. “You say it to me every other second.”

“Y-You aren’t mad at me, are you? I mean…we t-talked about this.” I don’t need to look at him to know that he’s squirming uncomfortably before me. I can envision him biting at his bottom lip out of nerve and begging me with his eyes for a reply. The mental image forces me to finally look at him.

As expected, he looks just like I imagined. Shyly, Kai rests his hands on my shoulders. They slowly run down my arms, to the elbows then finally rest themselves on my hips. A part of me is uncomfortable and tells me to push him away but a much larger part of me enjoys the affectionate touch.

I shake my head at his question. “I’m not mad…I just…would it make me sound like a bitch to say I don’t want you to go?”

Kai shakes his head in response. “No…but you’ll c-come to live with me soon. Things w-will be fine.“

With a smile, Kai brushes his lips against my own. My tense muscles relax immediately at the touch. Though I still feel sick at the idea of Kai leaving, the feeling isn’t as strong when Kai is kissing me. I wrap my arms around his midsection and allow the boy to eagerly kiss me.

The kiss doesn’t last long but it’s enough to leave both of us breathless. Flushing, Kai chuckles and buries his face in the crock of my neck. His breath sends shivers through me.

“You’ll text me a-all day right?” Kai mumbles against my skin. I roll my eyes, of course he would ask something like that.

“You’re so needy,” I tease. Kai, being the manly man that he is, pinches my hip. “Yeah…I’ll text you all day, every day and you promise to call every night?”

Kai nods. The boy finally pulls away seconds or maybe minutes later. He smiles at me once again, kisses my forehead then pulls away. He claims that he should say good-bye to my family now instead of waiting here any longer. I nod in response and stay out in the hall while he hugs my parents and sister, saying his last good-bye.

“I’m g-going to miss your mom,” Kai says around a sad smile. I nod, knowing that my mom is like his second mom just like his mom is mine. Basically the both of us have a second pair of parents since our families are so close.

We’re at the bottom of the stairs now, which makes me wonder when we even took them? Kai and I normally always take the elevator. We’re trying to spend more time together. Kai goes to open the door leading into the lobby but my body reacts on instinct and grabs his wrist.

I’m not looking at him but he is at me. Kai clears his throat before asking, “S-Shiloh what is it?”

My grip tightens around him. The skin begins to redden and it worries me. I know I’m holding onto him too tight, it’ll probably bruise later but that doesn’t stop me from letting go. Kai easily realizes something is up and he turns so he can wrap an arm around me and bring me closer to him. I don’t bother complaining about the embrace and simply rest my head against his shoulder.

All sorts of thoughts come racing through my head, like what if I can’t make it down there, what if he meets someone new, what if he ends up asking for me not to come down, or even worse things like what if something happens to him while I’m not around. All these thoughts have been coursing through my head ever since I knew Kai was moving. I guess I never really bothered with them until now because…because I didn’t want to believe he was leaving.

I know I’ll be down there but I’m not going to be with him from the start and that is what’s bothering me the most. As cliché as it sounds and as sick as it makes me to admit this but…I don’t want to leave his side, or he leave mine.

I’m not sure what to say. Should I say anything? There is no way in hell that I’m saying good-bye. Sometime during my thoughts Kai managed to shake the vice grip I had on his wrist. I mumble an apology beneath my breath at the sight of his reddening skin. Kai shakes his head with a laugh then cups my face in his hands to place a light kiss to my lips.

“I love you,” he says. The boy smirks at the blush I know is now on my cheeks.

And that’s when I realize exactly what I should say. Now would be the best time wouldn’t it? With Kai leaving he must be thinking the same things I am. No, I know his mind and mine are on the same track because there is no way Mr. Paranoia here wouldn’t go nuts over all this as well. The best way to make Kai feel better about his move is…is to just admit it…

We all know that my like is a lot more than that. Hell I know that…I just never verbally said it because…because it’s just something I had to be absolutely sure about! And I’m sure about Kai. He’s the only person I’d ever be sure about.

I begin to feel nervous at the thought of saying it to Kai. Kai tilts his head curiously when he feels me shaking in his hold. He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off with four words that make him jump then again he might have jumped because I kind of screamed it…

“I love you too!”

I bet everyone out in the lobby heard my admission and that thought makes the red shoot from my toes to the tips of my ears. Out of embarrassment I quickly look away from Kai, missing the expression he currently has but I don’t care. I’m fucking embarrassed! I just told Kai I loved him. Damn it I knew I should have kept quiet!

“S-Shiloh,” Kai whimpers and by the sound of his voice I know he’s crying. I chance a glance back at him to see that I’m right. The baby is sniffling with tears rolling down his cheeks. The sight makes me face him again and sigh in relief. I’m not sure what I’m relieved about but I am.

“I th-thought you’d never s-say it,” Kai cries after bringing his arm up to wipe his eyes.

“Shut up! Don’t talk about it…actually, forget I said it! I never said it!” I holler, shoving past him and stomping my way through the lobby. As expected all eyes are on mine. There’s only a few people but I know they had heard me and when they see Kai following me like a lost puppy I’m sure they could put two and two together. Damn it.

“No way!” Kai shouts after me. “I’m going to remind you that you said that to me every day.”

“Remember when I said I’d text you every day all day?”

Kai nods.

“Yeah, well I changed my mind.”

Kai screams, runs after me and begs for forgiveness like we know he should. Looking at the boy, eyes still red from crying earlier, his bottom lip shaking and his hands desperately trying to take hold of my arm to hold I find myself smiling.

I’ll never tell him this but…I’m glad I pushed back my pride to be with him. Besides, love is supposed to be important to everyone too, right?

And I really do…love Kai…more than he will ever know.