Status: Taking some time to write every chapter because I'm busy and stressed but I'm working on it!
Quietly His Fault
I couldn't be with her all the time and not be able to love her...
Ch 21
I’ve been bad. Very bad. I actually hate myself right now. Have you ever hated yourself with a burning passion? Have you ever hated the person you are dating more than yourself when you hate yourself to the point where killing yourself is temping? If you have said yes to these questions you know how I feel. I’m being a jackass. More importantly I’m being a jackass to her. The girl I love. I have no idea why I love her, but I do. I have loved her since before her mom left, and my love hasn’t died. When I touch her hand, or kiss her cheek, or come into any contact with her I fall ever so in love with her, and there is a sensation of heat that just flows from the spot she touched.
What have I done? I have ditched her. I have purposely acted like a jackass to her. I am dating a girl who hates her. I am even acting like a jerk to everyone. I am acting like a jerk to everyone because being mean to her gets me so frustrated that I can’t be nice to anyone else. I need her. I want her. I need her because I love her. I don’t love her because I need her.
Marsha…I hate her more than I hate myself. She is the only person I pretend not to hate and pretend to be nice to. Half the time when I am being nice to her I am mocking her, not that anyone other than me knows that, except Aida when she is paying attention, though she never is. She is ignoring like her life depends on it.
Now I am about to go through hell. Now I have to pick up my slutty date for the wing formal and watch the girl I love dance with her four dates. Yes four dates. I should be here date. That should be me. I mean I love her and they get to take her out. To hold her during dances. They get to take her out to dinner. They get to see her glorious smile on her face knowing very well they put it there. They get to call her princess. They get to make her laugh, comfort her when she cries. They get to her hear beautiful voice and she isn’t speaking with venom dripping from each word. They get her. I don’t.
Why did I do all this? I couldn’t take loving her and not getting her anymore. It has been killing me. All I would want to do is kiss her. Love her. Comfort her. Teach her. Love her. I couldn’t. I want her more than I have ever wanted anything, and I can’t get her. I can’t do any of that to her. She is only my friend when she should be so much more. She should be more, but she can’t be more. I couldn’t risk it. So I did this. I hate this, but I felt I had to.
The dance. It sucked! Worst time of my life. I had to pick up Marsha who looked sluttier and worse than usual. Then I had to watch Adam, Pete, Scott, and Josh be her dates. She had four corsages, and then I had to watch all the other guys on the team have at least one dance with her. The worst part was knowing I couldn’t go and borrow her for a dance. I couldn’t. Life didn’t work that way. I know I made my choice, and maybe it was the wrong choice, but not being with her killed me so much. I was ready to kiss her without warning and do things to her that wouldn’t be right to do without permission. I just had to have her. I couldn’t be SO CLOSE to her and not be able to kiss her or love her. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
Now here I am living a life I hate because I simply couldn’t take it. The only major flaw in my plan is I need her. I love her. I want her. I’m in love with her.
I’ve been bad. Very bad. I actually hate myself right now. Have you ever hated yourself with a burning passion? Have you ever hated the person you are dating more than yourself when you hate yourself to the point where killing yourself is temping? If you have said yes to these questions you know how I feel. I’m being a jackass. More importantly I’m being a jackass to her. The girl I love. I have no idea why I love her, but I do. I have loved her since before her mom left, and my love hasn’t died. When I touch her hand, or kiss her cheek, or come into any contact with her I fall ever so in love with her, and there is a sensation of heat that just flows from the spot she touched.
What have I done? I have ditched her. I have purposely acted like a jackass to her. I am dating a girl who hates her. I am even acting like a jerk to everyone. I am acting like a jerk to everyone because being mean to her gets me so frustrated that I can’t be nice to anyone else. I need her. I want her. I need her because I love her. I don’t love her because I need her.
Marsha…I hate her more than I hate myself. She is the only person I pretend not to hate and pretend to be nice to. Half the time when I am being nice to her I am mocking her, not that anyone other than me knows that, except Aida when she is paying attention, though she never is. She is ignoring like her life depends on it.
Now I am about to go through hell. Now I have to pick up my slutty date for the wing formal and watch the girl I love dance with her four dates. Yes four dates. I should be here date. That should be me. I mean I love her and they get to take her out. To hold her during dances. They get to take her out to dinner. They get to see her glorious smile on her face knowing very well they put it there. They get to call her princess. They get to make her laugh, comfort her when she cries. They get to her hear beautiful voice and she isn’t speaking with venom dripping from each word. They get her. I don’t.
Why did I do all this? I couldn’t take loving her and not getting her anymore. It has been killing me. All I would want to do is kiss her. Love her. Comfort her. Teach her. Love her. I couldn’t. I want her more than I have ever wanted anything, and I can’t get her. I can’t do any of that to her. She is only my friend when she should be so much more. She should be more, but she can’t be more. I couldn’t risk it. So I did this. I hate this, but I felt I had to.
The dance. It sucked! Worst time of my life. I had to pick up Marsha who looked sluttier and worse than usual. Then I had to watch Adam, Pete, Scott, and Josh be her dates. She had four corsages, and then I had to watch all the other guys on the team have at least one dance with her. The worst part was knowing I couldn’t go and borrow her for a dance. I couldn’t. Life didn’t work that way. I know I made my choice, and maybe it was the wrong choice, but not being with her killed me so much. I was ready to kiss her without warning and do things to her that wouldn’t be right to do without permission. I just had to have her. I couldn’t be SO CLOSE to her and not be able to kiss her or love her. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
Now here I am living a life I hate because I simply couldn’t take it. The only major flaw in my plan is I need her. I love her. I want her. I’m in love with her.
♠ ♠ ♠
Shortish I know, but you needed to get into Zach's mind, and also if you notice my pattern every 3 chapters are in Zach's P.O.V so this had to be like this to keep my pattern and now you see how Zach is thinking.So how do you feel about Zach now? how do you feel about his thoughts? Still hate him?