Special K

Sand was sticking to the bottom of my feet while the sun’s rays beat down harshly on my back and curse-ably long hair, bringing back that stuck-in-a-car feeling to me, way too soon after the experience. Car journeys’ weren’t my thing- I liked walking- I liked the breeze and the feeling of being able to think without inquiry. The freest I felt, I think, apart from my art. Nothing like the freedom of inspiration.

“Gustav, Gustav” Hayley chanted, dragging out the ‘u’ on the second mentioning and leaning forward with Bambi eyes. I sighed and looked up from my book, placing it down on the sand next to me- open so I could find my place once more.

“Yes, dearest sister?” She held out the bottle of white lotion and batted her eyelashes in an over-exaggerated way, obviously mimicking those bad soaps that played at prime time in the evening. With another sigh I stretched forward and took the lotion bottle from her hand before standing up then sitting back down behind her- my legs awkwardly sprawling around her body to get close enough.

“I love you” She told me with a little flip of hair that almost ended up in my face, I muttered a quick ‘I know’ even though, sometimes, I wasn’t 100% sure about that fact. Especially when she left the house for weeks on end to room with someone else because mum and dad were ‘too much’, while assuming I was perfectly capable of being left under the harsh scrutiny all by myself.

I got used to it, once she left for university.

Slowly rubbing in the sun-tan lotion into Hayley’s smooth skin I tried to ignore how her skin was already turning a shade darker, while mine remained paper-white with only a small burn adorning my skin on my right shoulder. It couldn’t even burn on both- just that one.

It had been Maria’s idea to head to a beach on a bus; she wanted to get a taste of New York summer before heading off for the trip- which they were leaving for tomorrow. It would be a bit of a lie to say I wasn’t scared of being left in the city all on my own- because I was so, so scared. All on my own.

The only things reassuring me were the fact Harvey had leant me a considerable sum of money- and the apartment- for the whole year. I was going to get a job, anyway. I felt bad enough as it was living tax-free in a very expensive apartment (Harvey reasoned that he would have to pay anyway, present or not and it wouldn’t make much difference, because his tax-taker was a ‘rich bastard’ who made Harvey pay for water and heating even when he wasn’t there) but taking an offered amount of money just to afford the basics was a little too much to leave my conscience feeling anywhere near free.

Harvey was a good friend to my sister, and used to be for me to. I guess this is just an echo of what we used to have. When we were younger, we were best friend- or well, as close as boys that age can be. We used to go to each other’s house and things like that, sometimes Harvey was bullied for being friends with someone younger but we still stuck together till around my thirteenth birthday.

I guess we just both changed crowds, and didn’t really make sense to each-other anymore. Harvey was drinking and partying, while I was still sitting at home doing work and hanging around ice-cream vans with a select few. You could say I was a loser- by no means have I experienced hardcore bullying in school- but I was far from up-status as Harvey.

“What’re you going to do when we leave, then?” My mind was jolted from thought at her voice, piercing and questioning- though phrased lazily you would never have guessed unless you knew her well.

“Get a job, wander round... you know” I answered as dully as I could, not all that eager to share my plans with my sister. I liked to keep things to myself- no matter how small- details were what were mine.

“Gustav... I want you to meet people. Make friends”

She sounded just like mum.

“Yeah” I answered instead of telling her that- Hayley would be far from happy to learn I compared her to mum- but also because it was an answer that neither agreed nor disagreed, making no room for argument. Though talking to Hayley was nice, she was hot-headed and quick to challenge beliefs. Unintentionally making me feel bad for believing what I did when she put fourth her own argument- well planned and perfect like it always would be.

“Really, make an effort, you’re such a nice person when you want to be” I made a small noise of acknowledgment under my breath, running my lotion covered hands in circles on her lower back, giving it time to sink into her skin. Oddly enough I found the process relaxing, as well as being one of those people that liked to please; the consistent motions calmed my fears for tomorrow and eased my ever ticking thoughts.

If this was my reaction to rubbing suntan lotion onto someone else, I couldn’t image what if felt like to be on the receiving end.

A loud call from my sister momentarily froze me, quickly shaking it off and looked towards the direction her head was turned in. Jon and Maria were coming towards us, both slick from the water and laughing among themselves- hair stuck to their scalps and sand coating their toes. Hayley called them again, waving her hand at them, the action caught Maria’s eye and she waved back, prodding Jon and walking a little faster towards the congregation of towels and bags we’d made when we first arrived.

I tore my eyes away from the pair of them and back to the plains of my sister’s back, squirting out some more lotion and rubbing it gently in- determined to put as much on as possible and drag the task on to its full extent- and more. So maybe I’d been avoiding Jon for a while- Hayley’s prank had made it sufficiently awkward to even attempt and hold a conversation. It had been easy enough really, Jon and I didn’t speak much to start with- so feigning shyness and shunning company was nothing new. Even my sister was apparently oblivious.

“Thought you were over using your brother as a slave?” Jon’s voice was loud and a little over-excited from the previous activity- I glanced up towards him and watched him run his hands through his hair, grinning cheekily at my sister. He kind of looked like those models in magazines- his lightly etched six-pack gleaming wet from the water and hair all combed back- sparkling eyes and easy, white smile.

“I like to keep him around. He can draw me pretty things and rub lotion into my back” Making a small noise at the back of my throat, I placed down the lotion and uncurled my legs from around my sister- relocating to my previous spot. I wasn’t going to be talked about like some kind of dog then willingly continue to do her bidding- instead I picked up my novel at the page I left off and propped it up in my lap, letting the bottom get caught up in the white material of my loose t-shirt. Unlike Jon, I was no-where near as confident with my body as to have it on full-display and resorted to buying float-y clothing made of pale materials to stay cool on the various trips we’d made in our few days here.

After they had left I wouldn’t need any of them, though, the actual city itself had a decent temperature inside it- the outskirts were baking and that’s what I dressed for. I couldn’t wait to revert back to jeans and non-revealing clothing, dressing like this made me feel so exposed and as self-conscious as ever. I didn’t hate my body, but I was well aware it was far from the current definition of ‘attractive’ AKA Jon. As already mentioned, I had a bit of a stomach from the biscuits I ate while in the creative process. Desperately I wanted to be like Jon- or even lanky like I used to- but alas my mind didn’t function without the aid of biscuits and coffee.

Maria sat down next to me, her long legs easily stretching out, and peeked at the book I was reading, a small smile lighting her face up.

“Sabriel?” she questioned, eyes going large in curiosity and a hint of a knowing smile pulling at her lips. I nodded silently, contemplating how she knew what I was reading. Call me childish, but I love the Old Kingdom series, I’d discovered them as a child and instantly fallen in love. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d read each book – or any book written by Garth Nix- but the well thumbed pages and little smudges of pencil and paint could tell you in a lot of detail what the condition they had been under were.

“I always recognise them from the little charter marks they have all over the cover – and at the start of the chapter” She gestured to my book where I’d been about to turn the page away from the chapter page – a curling charter mark covered the beginning letter. Maria then laughed, watching my eyes darting over the page “I’m such a nerd! But I loved those books to death when I was younger, re-read them god knows how many times in high-school”

Okay, don’t get me wrong, Maria is a nice person, but I’ve never spoken to her before and I’m at loss of how to go about a conversation. I want to dive into an argument about the plot- or gush to her how much I love it but there’s a barrier holding it back in mind- and the look Hayley is giving me is telling me to get the fucking barrier out of the way and make conversation. I twist my fingers together in front of the open pages, reading random words here and there for inspiration of what to say.

“I love all his books” The words ran from my mouth, jumping from my tongue and into the air around us. Hayley nodded and winked and Jon rolled his eyes at her- Maria mean while smiled again and dived into a conversation. She squeezed answers from me with questions and bright-eyes, and said things that made me want to talk. I liked books, quite a lot, not as much as art but they were a focus, and talking about books was something I didn’t really do. But she likes books too, and she knew how to talk about them and what to say- honest to god it was a foreign experience to me.

But did I like it?

<The Wheels On The Bus>

“Hey, hey, Gustav?” I turned in my uncomfortably warm, plastic seat to see a smiling Hayley, cheeks red and hair array from the baking heat – voice breathy from singing ‘Wheels on the bus’ with the others. The song was still going strong from Jon, Harvey and a few others, people we didn’t know joined in too with a happy smile and a groggy voice.

“I’m real proud of you” She punches my shoulder lightly and leaned back in her own chair, smiling a wide, gradual smile at me.

“Thanks, Hayley”