There Was No Living Creature as Foul as I
I Remember I Remember Everything, Sean
Ian's jaw dropped. What if I'd scared him off? I shouldn't have told him that I was wrong in the head, I should have just left him to think I was happy. Now he'd worry about me, and it could affect is performance. I couldn't live knowing I'd messed that up for him.
Even worse than ruining his career was the thought of losing him forever. How selfish that sounds. But I didn't think that I could stay alive if I lost him. I'd slowly lose my friends…slowly lose my band…and he wouldn't be there to hold me tight. I couldn't live like that.
"Ian?" I muttered, "I should have kept my mouth shut. I've gone and ruined everything."
"No, you haven't." He tried to smile at me, but I could tell what was behind those pretty eyes. He was disgusted, what did he want with a broken man? He could have any person he wanted, Ian Watkins had an image. And that image didn't involve me. It involved pretty little boys that didn't have a single thought in their heads. Much less ones of self hate, "I'm glad you've told me. You probably saved our relationship because you told me." I gave him an odd look, how did telling him that I was a messed up person save anything? "I can help you now. I couldn't before."
"You deserve--" I was cut off my his hand over my mouth, a sad look in his eyes.
"You deserve better. Not me. If I was a good boyfriend I would have realized that something was not quite right before now."
"You've been gone for a few months. Don't blame yourself." I tried to smile at him, I felt his hand fall into mine, "If anything you've saved me."
"Exactly." Ian stated. He squeezed my hand tightly. "I haven't been here. I should have been here with you."
He paused a moment, staring at his feet.
"Should I cancel the tour? I don't think I could stand to leave you again, not at this point in time."
Sean shook his head. "I don’t want you doing something like that for me. I don't want you to disappoint all your fans who have bought tickets. No, you've got to go and do this tour."
"Sean, you never think of yourself any more…" Ian murmured, and wrapped his arms around me. "You're always more worried about your friends and everybody..."
I didn't say anything; I knew it was true, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was one of those people who put everybody first.
"Sean, do you mind if I asked you something?" Ian asked, looking at me quite seriously.
"No, of course not. Go ahead." I nodded.
"Do you trust me?"
My heart sank the second he used the word trust. I couldn't even trust myself, and there was something inside myself that was questioning some of my trust for Ian, "Ian…" I muttered, "I do, I'm just scared. I know you're asking because of earlier. I'm scared of what could happen, there are better looking guys, there are guys you see every day. Then there's me. I'm not good looking and I'm always back here in Merthyr Tydfil."
"I can start off by saying that you're the most gorgeous man in the world. Ilan has nothing on you, nor do any of the other boys that want to get with me. Not saying that Ilan does." He looked me straight in the eyes, it was evident that my lack of trust was killing him, "I'm cancelling the tour. Postponing it, whatever. I'm not leaving you."
"They paid to see you guys, don't do this to them."
"And what? Leave you? They mean nothing to me when I know you're home wanting to die. They'll never mean anything to me if I lose you." He pulled me in tight, and began to stroke the back of my head, "I'm never letting you go Sean Smith."
Even worse than ruining his career was the thought of losing him forever. How selfish that sounds. But I didn't think that I could stay alive if I lost him. I'd slowly lose my friends…slowly lose my band…and he wouldn't be there to hold me tight. I couldn't live like that.
"Ian?" I muttered, "I should have kept my mouth shut. I've gone and ruined everything."
"No, you haven't." He tried to smile at me, but I could tell what was behind those pretty eyes. He was disgusted, what did he want with a broken man? He could have any person he wanted, Ian Watkins had an image. And that image didn't involve me. It involved pretty little boys that didn't have a single thought in their heads. Much less ones of self hate, "I'm glad you've told me. You probably saved our relationship because you told me." I gave him an odd look, how did telling him that I was a messed up person save anything? "I can help you now. I couldn't before."
"You deserve--" I was cut off my his hand over my mouth, a sad look in his eyes.
"You deserve better. Not me. If I was a good boyfriend I would have realized that something was not quite right before now."
"You've been gone for a few months. Don't blame yourself." I tried to smile at him, I felt his hand fall into mine, "If anything you've saved me."
"Exactly." Ian stated. He squeezed my hand tightly. "I haven't been here. I should have been here with you."
He paused a moment, staring at his feet.
"Should I cancel the tour? I don't think I could stand to leave you again, not at this point in time."
Sean shook his head. "I don’t want you doing something like that for me. I don't want you to disappoint all your fans who have bought tickets. No, you've got to go and do this tour."
"Sean, you never think of yourself any more…" Ian murmured, and wrapped his arms around me. "You're always more worried about your friends and everybody..."
I didn't say anything; I knew it was true, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was one of those people who put everybody first.
"Sean, do you mind if I asked you something?" Ian asked, looking at me quite seriously.
"No, of course not. Go ahead." I nodded.
"Do you trust me?"
My heart sank the second he used the word trust. I couldn't even trust myself, and there was something inside myself that was questioning some of my trust for Ian, "Ian…" I muttered, "I do, I'm just scared. I know you're asking because of earlier. I'm scared of what could happen, there are better looking guys, there are guys you see every day. Then there's me. I'm not good looking and I'm always back here in Merthyr Tydfil."
"I can start off by saying that you're the most gorgeous man in the world. Ilan has nothing on you, nor do any of the other boys that want to get with me. Not saying that Ilan does." He looked me straight in the eyes, it was evident that my lack of trust was killing him, "I'm cancelling the tour. Postponing it, whatever. I'm not leaving you."
"They paid to see you guys, don't do this to them."
"And what? Leave you? They mean nothing to me when I know you're home wanting to die. They'll never mean anything to me if I lose you." He pulled me in tight, and began to stroke the back of my head, "I'm never letting you go Sean Smith."
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