There Was No Living Creature as Foul as I

Am I a terrible boyfriend? Have I done something untrustworthy? Have I done something that he would think I'd leave him if I knew he Hated him? So maybe I do kiss lots of people, but so does he! Maybe I do go off for months at a time, but he knew I would before we ever even got involved!

I must be a fuck up

It's crazy how this all turns out. I Hate me. He Hates him. We love each other…at least I think we love each other. I love him. He might not love me. That’s a terrifying thought.

I'll never even look at another guy again!

My insides were screaming at me. Hate. Fear. Devastation.

The house phone went off and both Gavin and Sean were out so I chose to answer it. It could have been important and I'd have to take a message, "Smith, Butler residence, this is Ian speaking." Mam had always taught me how to answer someone else's phone. No matter how old I got I continued to do as Mam had told me to.

'Is a Gavin Butler there?' The woman on the other side of the line asked me.

"Uh, no ma'am. Might I take a message for you?"

"Is there a number I can call for either him or one Ian Watkins?'

"I am Ian Watkins."

'Oh, well I am very sorry to be the one to have to tell you; but a Sean Smith has been admitted to the hospital. We need you to come and fill out some paper work.'

Sean was in the hospital? What could have possibly happened. He'd just gone over to Bob's for a visit, "I'll be right over."

-x-x-x-

"HE WHAT!" I bellowed, the nurse was telling me that Sean had swallowed the better portion of a bottle of a depression medication. What had led him to think that suicide was the answer? Of all the things to do, try and top yourself!

"He didn't leave a note, I'm very sorry." For your loss

I knew that it was terrible to think it, but I had this feeling that Sean wasn't going to pull through. That in a week's time I'd be burying him. I'd be seeing him in a box and five tearstained faces of the people he called best mates, "I've got to see him."

"Right through here Mr.Watkins."

And what lay on the bed was a shell. It wasn't Sean. I looked down and saw this form. The palest I'd ever seen, white enough to be porcelain, hard enough to be marble. Wires coming from its body. Hooked up to machines that I hadn't clue as to what they did.

It wasn't my boyfriend on that bed. My boyfriend had too much life in him to even think of topping himself! To be this lifeless creature who'd just had its stomach pumped in an attempt to save its life.

I've lost. Everything.