There Was No Living Creature as Foul as I

It's so hard to deal with. Knowing that the only person that I'll ever be able to love was in some bed with needles in him and wires sticking out of him. I didn't like seeing him the way I had, I knew he wasn't dead but he looked as good as. And now the doctors wouldn't even let me into see him.

"Let's get you out of this room Ian!" I heard Matthew call from the door, "We're going out, you can come with Elaine and I!"

Ten minutes later I found the three of us in front of a bar, and I knew that it was exactly what I needed. Tonnes of alcohol. I couldn't cry anymore, there was no more tears to be found inside of me. I saw Elaine glaring at Matthew but I couldn't be bothered to ask why. I just wanted to stop thinking and getting shit faced was the perfect plan.

Matthew and Elaine took a seat at one of the tables, each with a soda and seemed perfectly content to not move at all. I however was moving around as much as I could and talking with whoever would sit still long enough to have a drink.

Even after I'd spent all of the hundred and fifty pounds that I'd brought to the pub had all been spent on drink I was still thinking about Sean. Nothing I drank could give me moments of peace. I didn't want to think about him! I just wanted to be drunk and maybe even pass out so I could think of something other than what he'd done.

I started using my plastic so I could get more to drink. And after a while everything started to fade. I wasn't famous, I wasn't depressed, and my boyfriend certainly hadn't attempted to kill himself. I was just like every other drunk in the bar until I picked up what I decided would be my very last drink of the night before I found my friends and headed back to the house.

The second the drink hit my lips I thought of Sean. I thought of him dying and the waterworks came again. I was sitting at the bar and I broke down. I had no idea why but all the tears came back. I had no control over them and the loud gasping sobs caused me to drop the drink and fall to the floor of the pub.

The last thing I remember of that night was Elaine running over to me and Matthew picking me up and carrying me out to the car.

X-X-X

Sean had been out for a week and was showing no signs of waking up, and I was showing no signs of eating anything. Elaine was starting to notice so I'd told her that I would be going back to Sean's place to take care of myself. She objected but I was out of the house before she could stop me. If I was by myself then there was no one who could force me to eat.

I ignored all phone calls, I even unplugged the house phone and turned my mobile off so I wouldn't have to hear the ringing. I wouldn't answer the door, I didn't want anyone to see me, especially with as disgusting as I looked. No one needed to be blinded by how awful I was. I didn't want anything except my boyfriend to be in bed with me like nothing wrong had ever happened to either of us.