There Was No Living Creature as Foul as I

Not only was my relationship over, my already small self-esteem was broken. Rhys couldn't even lie to me and say that he'd have been all over me. I wouldn't have gone on to him had he said yes.

"I don't know if I should hate him or not." Rhys told me, I'd forgotten that his relationship was ruined too. I was too caught up in my own problems.

One magazine article kept going through my head:
So Mr. Watkins. It's known you're seeing one Sean Smith back in Wales. What's that like?
Hard sometimes.
Mr. Watkins was later caught outside the venue with the drummer of his band, Ilan Rubin, sitting in his lap the two of them laughing and joking around.
How right that article was. Ian really was bored of me and chasing after a nineteen year old American.

"You know what would be perfect?" I asked angrily, "We're going to walk back to my place later probably, and end up catching the two of them at it."

"I don't think they're like that Sean. I know Gavin doesn't mess around like that."

"Ian clearly is! He did it while I was his boyfriend!" My phone erupted out of my pocket, and I was never one to not answer, even if I didn't want to speak. And Gavin was one person I didn't want to share words with.

"I don't wish to speak with you. Nor does Rhys."

'Ian didn't cheat on you!' he called quickly into the phone. Hate boiled in me, Hate came only to be followed by the spinning that had stopped when I lost Ian.

I had found Ian to be the cause of the spinning confusion. I'd also found him to be the one who allowed the Hate to consume my body. I had also learned that the only thing keeping my depression in check was that very same Hate and spinning.

I didn't know who to believe. And both options were Gavin Butler. The one full of Hate and the one who cares for me, 'I'd never cheat on you Sean.' Ian's voice called over the phone and then the two of them hung up.

Rhys was smiling at me like he knew what was going on, "Go to Ian." He put a hand on my shoulder, "You love him, give him a chance to explain."

I wanted to forgive Ian and I wanted to get back with him, "You speak with Gavin then." He nodded his head and smiled, though I didn't think he would. He was even angrier than I had been.

X-X-X

Every ounce of Hate that I had inside of me for myself was screaming at the first second that I saw him, 'Hi." He smiled, "Can I still call you gorgeous?" He asked shyly, his smile fading. He was terrified of how I would react. Especially how I'd gone about my reaction to the idea that I'd been cheated on.

"Why would you want to?"

"Because you are, and I love you."

"I should have spoken with you before taking to a fit." I told him, feeling foolish for the way I had behaved earlier.

"As long as you still love me? I don't care what happened earlier." He took his hand and grabbed mine and stroked over my thumb looking right at me, 'You're so perfect Sean. I need you."

How could I have said no to that? I wanted him too, "I love you too Ian." I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, "I need to trust, I was so afraid though. The magazines have been writing on you and Ilan and Gavin's words only made me believe it."

"Sean…I'll keep off the guys and I'll make sure to point out the falsities of those rumours in interviews."

Even the love sent at me didn't block out the spinning at my head as I would have liked. The words that he used only to comfort me only increased the Hate I felt for myself. I knew what I'd almost given up. What I didn't deserve.

I knew that the Hate and the spinning were here to stay. It was a price that I chose to pay to be happy when I had him around.