Winter Blues

I hate the holidays.

The holidays always reminded me of the hurt and the scars left on my empty heart that Zach Parise had caused me. I thought everything had gone great but apparently he wasn’t seeing the same view that I was seeing. I had completely fallen in love with the man I had given my all to. I would have crawled on my hands and knees if he had wanted me to and a little holiday heartbreak was all it took for me to hate the pathetic excuse of a man he was.

*Two Years Ago*

I had two weeks left to buy all the presents I was planning on mailing to my family and friends before Christmas. Zach had a mandatory practice today so he wasn’t able to help me.

I had been living with him for two years into our relationship and everything was going well. Not always smooth sailing but well. I had met Zach in UND during my junior year. I still remember him always hanging out with T.J. Oshie or sometimes I see him with Jonathan Toews. I had been friends with TJ before Zach. In fact, I used to date TJ. He had been the one to introduce me to Zach. Eventually, TJ and I broke up after all three of them got drunk during those stupid college parties. TJ came knocking at my dorm room at three in the morning, telling me how much of a bitch he really thinks I am and how I was always following him around like a lost puppy. You know what they say; a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. The next morning, TJ had begged to tell him what he had done wrong. I simply told him to fuck off and go to hell. Of course, I didn’t mean that but probably at the time it was the only “appropriate” thing I could think of.

Then there was Zach.

A few months later after me and TJ broke up, Zach came into the picture. I had been there during his graduation and he told me he would be waiting for me after I graduated. I smiled and took his word for it. A year later, I graduated and he had surprised me with a spare key to his new apartment in New Jersey. I couldn’t help but squeal in joy as I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a kiss on his lips.

Things weren’t all that peachy with me and Zach.

The other day while buying Christmas themed gift wrappers and bows, we had gotten in a stupid argument because I had begged him to go to another mall to find the perfect gift wrappers. I had been away from my family for so long that I wanted them to feel special when I mail them their presents. Zach had gotten mad, yelled at me, and said that TJ was right about me being a bitch.

I stood there in shock and simply dropped the items I had in my hands on top of a shelf and walked out of the store, not wanting people to see me cry. Later that night, he apologized and said that he was just having a bad day.

--

Christmas day was only days away and Zach still had not made an effort to help me. He didn’t even want to help me put up the Christmas tree because he claims that he was too tired.

Truth is, I have been waiting for this holiday. I felt like Christmas was the perfect time for Zach to propose to me since we had been together for almost three years. I dropped a few hints here and there and all I could do was hope that he got my messages.

When Christmas day finally arrived, he had come home from last minute practice and plopped down on the couch. I had been standing next to the living room in a dress I had picked out for him and today’s occasion. He didn’t acknowledge me. He simply took off his shoes and put his feet up on the coffee table I had creatively designed with a Christmas theme.

I just ignored it. He was tired, I understood that.

I sat down next to him on the couch and said, “Merry Christmas Zach.”

His eyes were closed with his hands clasped together, sitting on his stomach. He simply jerked his head up in a nod and said nothing.

I had to stop myself from tearing up because I had prepared a nice dinner for him, dressed up nicely for him, decorated the house for him, and yet he didn’t want to speak a word to me. I was ready to head up the stairs till I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I didn’t even hear him get up from the couch. I smiled to myself and turned around. He rested his forehead against mine with his eyes still closed. He took my hand in his and placed my other hand on top of his shoulder as he started to sway us both. We danced along for a few minutes with no music and stopped right below mistletoe.

He looked down at me and kissed my lips softly but so full of passion.

“I need to ask you something…” He says, finally.

I was getting nervous.

Was this it? Was he proposing to me?

“What is it?” I ask in a whisper.

I was ready to say, “yes!”

“Will you…” I couldn’t help myself but say, “Yes!” before he could even finish his sentence.

“Yes?” He asks in a confused tone as he dropped my hands from his.

“Um…” I said in awkwardness.

Was he not proposing?

“What were going to ask?” I ask him.

“I was going to ask you if you will accompany me to the team’s dinner on New Year’s Eve.” He simply replies back.

“Oh…” I tell him in disappointment.

“What did you think I was going to ask? Did you think I was going to propose to you or something?” He jokes along with his boyish laugh.

I gave a nervous laugh, “Yeah. How stupid of me to think that…” then I start to walk away.

“Wait, Did you really think I was going to propose to you?” He asks more seriously this time.

I sighed and nodded my head.

“We’ve been together for a while now Zach and I love you…” I tell him. Every word I tell him, I felt pathetic.

“I love you too Melissa but I don’t think we’re ready for that kind of commitment.” He tells me.

“Then when will we ever be ready?” I ask him, tears filling my eyes.

“Maybe we never will be…” He mumbles.

“What are you saying? That nearly three years into this relationship was nothing?” I argue.

“I didn’t say that…”

“But you kind of implied it! Tell me what you want Zach! You come home on Christmas and didn’t even say a word to me. You’ve been acting real strange lately and you completely shut me out! What’s going on Zach?” I yell.

He stayed silent and I was afraid of what he was going to say next.

“I’ve been seeing someone else…” He quietly admits.

That’s when I swore my heart stopped beating for a quick second. I wanted nothing more than to just drop dead on the floor and be buried six feet under the ground.

“It just happened and…I didn’t mean it for you to find out this way…” He lamely explains.

It was my turn to stay silent. What could I possibly say? I had no words for what he just told me. I felt like my heart was being stomped on right in front of me.

“Melissa...say something…” He says, taking a step forward.

I take a step back, “Don’t come near me. Ever. Don’t try to call me or better yet, don’t try to find me. This is the last time you will ever see me because I never want to see your face ever again.” I quickly grabbed my car keys, headed out the door, and drove out of driveway.

--

*Present*

My parents had invited me to their place for the holidays and of course I could not decline their offer.

It had been a cold winter, heavy snow falling from the sky. I had noticed an unfamiliar car parked by parents’ driveway before continuing to head towards the door. I rang the doorbell twice before I saw a manly figure into the blurred glass of the door. The door opened to reveal the man I had never thought I would ever see again despite the fact that he had been all over the magazines and newspapers because of his great success in the NHL.

“Melissa…hi.” He greets me.

“What are you doing here?” I ask him.

“I uh…” He says before getting cut off by a familiar voice behind him.

“Is that Melissa at the door babe?” It was my sister.

I had been replaced by my own sister and she didn’t even know it.

“Mel!” She squeals, pushing past Zach to give me a tight hug. “I missed you so much! It’s been forever!”

It was true.

After Zach and I’s unofficial but technically official break up, I moved out of New Jersey to live in California. I haven’t been to Jersey or at home ever since.

“I don’t think I should stay…” I tell her.

“What? Why?” She asks with concern. I looked over at Zach who had a nervous look on his face.

Then I remembered the time TJ Oshie had gotten drunk in college, knocking at my door at three in the morning to tell me what I bitch I really am. I remembered the time where Zach had gotten mad at me over some damn gift wrappers and said that TJ was right about me being a bitch.

I knew what I was about to say was wrong but…

“Zach dumped me two years ago to be with you.” I truthfully tell her. She looks up at me with wide eyes then turns to Zach and asked him if what I was telling her was true.

“You had no right telling her that!” He roared at me, shutting the front door behind him after he had just calmed my sister down.

“You’re right, I shouldn’t have done that. But you know what? At least I told her the truth. I bet you weren’t even planning on tell her about us at all!” I yelled back.

“You are such a bitch!” He scowls.

“And you’re an asshole.” I tell him with a smirk.

“You are such a…”

I cut him off and said, “Merry Christmas Zach.” Before walking away from Zach Parise for the last time.