Summer's Never Looked The Same

Ryan Dunn and Zachary Hartwell died on June 20th at 2:30am in West Chester, Pennsylvania on the Pennsylvania highway. Police reported that the 2007 Porsche 911 GT3 was speeding at 130mph when it crashed through the guardrail and into the trees. The car went into flames and resulted in an explosion that killed both of them. It's unknown whether they died from blunt force trauma or the fire. The police suspect that alcohol played a role in the crash.

We near the crash site and my heart drops straight into my gut once we pull up. There are visible skid marks in the road that are aimed at the torn through guardrail, little pieces of the car are scattered in the road, and everything just looks fucked up.

Bam and I are already in tears. Missy pulls over across the road from the crash.

Bam jumps out and walks over to the guardrail. Missy and I follow slowly but closely behind him. He starts to weep, his shoulders shaking as tears fall out of his eyes faster than a waterfall. Missy puts her arm around his shoulder and he turns to hug her. They share a long, tight hug as they both cry silently. I move away to the side while Missy comforts him and I comfort myself.

After I was told about Ryan's death yesterday, I heard Bam announce the funeral was in two days in Pennsylvania and he was leaving that night to go to the crash site the next day. I convinced my dad to let me go with him. I left with Missy and Bam around 7:30pm.

I had packed a small bag after the announcement and slept until it was time to leave. I was so emotionally exhausted that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I didn't speak to anyone the entire drive to the airport, the plane ride, and the drive to the hotel. I couldn't.

I see the spot where the car blew up. Large pieces of the car lay in the burnt grass. I can't tell what parts of the car they were from.

I had met Ryan when I was a toddler. Around four or five years old. My dad brought me on the set of Jackass for the filming of the first episode. I befriended almost everybody. But Ryan and I clicked. We didn't have much in common, but we both had a good sense of humor and joked about everything. We constantly kept in contact even if we were thousands of miles away from each other.

I think the longest we went without talking or hanging out was a day and a half. When I was fourteen, I had gotten grounded and wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone or use the phone for a couple weeks, but Ryan managed for us to chill for awhile without getting me in trouble. Apparently, he and the guys were coming to hang out with my dad, but Ryan managed to sneak a tub of ice cream upstairs and we sat on the guest room balcony, eating ice cream and talking. I remember us specifically talking about how free I'd be once I was eighteen.

I still don't know what to say about this entire situation. Ryan was my best friend. He was there for me, made me feel better, made me laugh when no one else could. He was the most entertaining of all the Jackass guys. Not even words can describe how much I'm going to miss him.

We spend half an hour at the crash site before leaving. I don't say one word the entire ride back to the hotel. The funeral is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it whatsoever.

Bam and Missy go to their room as soon as we get to the hotel. I sit on the couch in the living room, not sure of what to do. I don't know what to say, what to think, how to feel. It's getting really hard to breathe.

My phone starts ringing and I check the caller I.D. Dad I sigh and answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Ava." He says, trying to hide the pain in his voice by covering it with a tone that's failing at pretending that he's okay.

"Hi."

"I'm just calling to let you know that I just boarded the plane and I should be there sometime early in the morning."

I pull my phone away from my ear and look at the screen for the time. 7:23. I put the phone back up to my ear.

"Alright. I'll see you when you get here." I voice comes out hoarse from not speaking much and my throat actually stings a little.

"Are you okay?" His voice softens. I want to tell him everything that I'm feeling. But I can't think of where or how to start. So instead of pouring my heart out and crying, I just smile so he'll hear it in my voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll see you when you get here." I repeat, hoping he won't press any further and the end of our phone will be nearing within seconds.

"Okay. I love you, sweetheart." The way he says it doesn't help me avoid crying. I wish he were here to hold me.

I want to tell him I love him and thank him for being my dad. Thank him for being there for me and standing behind me. But I'm disappointed when all that comes out is, "You too."

Our phone call goes silent. We're disconnected. I drop my phone on the cushion next to me and bury my face into my hands. This is all so messed up. I'd like nothing more than for all of it to go away. I want to go back to the way things were. None of us talk the way we used to. Now it's all short and awkward. We don't know what to say. And I fucking hate it.

It's going to be so weird without Ryan here, knowing he isn't going to visit us anymore or prank call us in the middle of the night. It just feels so wrong. It feels wrong to even move. With all of these thoughts running through my head, I end up falling asleep. Then I'm woken up the next morning for the funeral...