Summer's Never Looked The Same

The sounds of cars driving by the facility, the footsteps in the hallway, and the snoring from Bam have been keeping me up since 8:00. As we've been drawing closer to our release date, I've been having trouble sleeping. I felt fine before, but now it's becoming harder and harder to just close my eyes. I take my journal out from underneath my bed and quietly start to write, but without turning my light on.

"The dreams with Ryan have become less frequent. There's some nights where he doesn't show up at all. In some dreams, I can't talk to him. It's just replays of memories. Just dreams. No chat sessions about how we're doing.

Deep down, I know I'm feeling better. I'm taking slow steps to moving on. But it feels like the more I move forward, the less I can communicate with Ryan. It's scaring the hell out of me. Thinking about him not visiting me anymore hurts so bad that I think I'm going to relapse. Then I remind myself that I need to get better, if not for my friends, family, or me, then at least for him.

Lately, I've been thinking about my life down the road. It's discouraging. It's depressing. But I've come a long way since the beginning of recovery. I'm not going to give it all up because of a couple emotions."

I throw my journal back under my bed and get up, pacing the room until my legs hurt. But I don't sit down once the aching starts. I continue to think about everything going on and I walk around until I become light-headed and my eyes droop.

"Ava?" I hear a voice mumble. I look over at Bam, who is starting to sit up.

"Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." I whisper back, moving over to his bed and sitting on the edge.

"What are you doing?" He slurs with sleepiness.

"I'm just thinking."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know... Bam?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I sleep in your bed?"

I hear him laugh quietly, then the quick couple pats on the bed covers.

"Be my guest."

I don't bother slipping under his covers. I fall on my stomach against him, holding my arm against my chest in the comforting way that I used to do when I was younger. He puts his arm around me, as a way to comfort me. I close my eyes and finally, for the first time in days, I fall asleep. I dream of the memories with Ryan that I had been dreaming of more.