Summer's Never Looked The Same

I open my eyes to see the familiar room that I'm usually in with Ryan. When I realize that I'm free to move however I want, I sigh a breath of relief when I know that it's one of those dreams where I can talk to Ryan on my own. Then his figure starts to appear in front of me.

"Is this the last time you'll visit me?" I ask Ryan as soon as he forms completely, not bothering to greet him or bring up a conversation. I don't know how long I've been asleep, but I want to know before I wake up.

"You need to move on, Ava. I'll always be here. Just... not in your dreams." He sighs, playing with his fingers to avoid awkward stares.

"I understand. I'll miss you. Whenever I'm in trouble, will you come back and help me get my shit straight like you did this time?" I don't cry. Nor do I tear up. I feel fine with the fact that this is the last time I'll ever see my best friend in front of me. He's going to be okay. Bam is going to be okay. And most importantly, I'll be okay.

"Definitely, Ava. Whenever you need me, I'll be there so fast your head will spin."

I laugh. "I'll miss this. I'll miss talking to you about things."

He grins from ear to ear, the smile I'll miss seeing in front of me. "So will I. But you'll be okay. You've made so much progress the past couple months."

"I don't want to let go. At all. I want you to stay in my dreams and visit me all the time like you've been doing." I frown, looking down at the floor.

"How will you move on if I'm with you every time you sleep?" He asks. He's right. I'd still be holding back. And that would probably lead to a relapse.

I look at him and smile sadly. "I won't forget you."

"Right back at you." We move forward and hug each other one last time. And I can feel all of the dreams, hugs, and talks coming to an end. There will be nothing new between us again. "Bye, Ava. Good luck with everything. I love you."

"I love you too, Ryan."

I wake up naturally. Bam is still asleep in his bed, snoring softly.

I sit up and lean against the wall. I feel my heart sink when it hits me that this was the last dream with Ryan, but then I recall what he said to me.

"I'll always be here."

I sigh and rub my eyes, the sentence racing through my head repeatedly.

We leave today. I convinced Dad to take me and Bam to West Chester after he picks us up. Then we'd go back to Los Angeles and reunite with everybody for the first time in months since we were admitted.

I'm more happier. More talkative. More open. I can smile without forcing it. My life will always be strange without Ryan in my life. It's going to be rough, depressing, and painful. But I'm ready to face my new life.

Bam stirs, seeming to wake up a little, but soon starts to snore again. I watch him for a little while, waiting for my breathing to return to normal so I can possibly go back to sleep. I wrap my arms around my knees tightly after pulling them up to my chest. The morning light becomes brighter and brighter until the sun's introduction soaks the entire room, then Bam sits up. He sees me and tries to smile, but his exhaustion prevents him from doing so.

"How long have you been up?" He asks softly, rubbing his tired eyes.

"A couple hours, I would guess."

"Want to get breakfast?"

"I'm not really hungry."

He looks at me for a couple seconds before getting up and stretching, then pretending to swipe at me as he quotes Mean Girls.

"Boo, you whore."

I chuckle, then stand up. "I'll go with you."

I follow him out of our room and to the cafeteria. It's like any other morning. Bam can tell that I don't really want to talk. I keep thinking about today, what it will probably be like. Dad will obviously be ecstatic. He'll hug us both so tightly we can't breathe and we'll feel the happiness that we haven't felt for almost a year.

"What have you been writing lately?" Bam asks after half an hour of sitting at the table eating, and with me sitting across from him in silence, looking at my hands in my lap.

"It's private." I reply, sounding a little harsh.

"M'kay?"

"Sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

"No, it's all good."

He finishes his food and leaves to throw it out. He doesn't come back right away and I look up to see him talking to one of the workers, then he walks back over to our table shortly after.

"So, apparently the time of our release has been changed. I guess we're leaving in thirty minutes to an hour." He notifies me. I smile and stand up from the table, sprinting from the cafeteria to our room with Bam running closely behind me. I burst through the door of our room and gather my things. I shove it all into my suitcase as Bam does the same with his items. My therapist, Dr. Rose, shows up at our door.

"Oh, I can see you guys are ready to leave." She laughs softly. "Ava, I was wondering if you wanted to have one last session before you leave? I'm free at the moment."

I sit on my bed and think about it. I don't really think I need to. I feel completely fine and I don't believe there's anything else to talk about. I look at her, smile, and reply with, "No, I'm doing okay."

She smiles back. "Okay, I'm just checking. Good luck with everything."

She waves and walks away. Bam and I look at each other. "She's nice. She says hi to me and asks me how I'm doing whenever we walk past each other."

I laugh. "Yeah, she is nice."

We wait in our room, talking excitedly about our release, until one of the staff members comes to tell us that our ride is here. We thank him and walk to the front doors of the facility with our bags in hand. My dad is talking to Dr. Rose when he sees us walking over. I drop my stuff to the floor and run to him and he picks me up off the ground. We squeeze each other tightly and don't bother letting go, even when we can't breathe.

"I'm so happy to see you, sweetie." He tells me, giving me a tight hug before kissing my head and parting from me.

"I'm happy to see you too." I let go of him so him and Bam can have their turn. I pick my things up just as they're done hugging.

We walk out to Dad's car and put our stuff in the back. I reach for the handle of the front door when I feel a shove against my left arm. I stagger over and look to see it was Bam, smirking as he opens the door. I grab him by the back of the shirt and try to yank him back, but he has a firm hold on the seat. Instead, I jump on his back and try to crawl over him to sit in the seat. I hear the car start, then feel us slowly move forward a little as I hear Bam yelp, starting to slip from underneath me. Dad and I start laughing when he lets go and pushes me against the arm of the seat and sits in the tiny leftover space.

"Fuck you, I'm not sitting in the back." Though all three of us try to keep a straight face, we end up laughing even harder. And this moment, no matter how small or unimportant it is, convinces me that everything really will be okay from here on.