Summer's Never Looked The Same

The wind blows through the window and wraps around me tightly. The smell of the West Chester air brings me some sort of peace that makes all the tension in my body disappear. I look over at Bam, who is looking out of his window in a nervous daze. As if he knows that I'm looking at him, he turns to me, then smiles. He punches my arm lightly, his way of saying that it's fine. I smile back and look back out the window. It surprises me when I notice how much closer we are to the graveyard than before when I looked over at Bam. I hold the stem of the rose in my hand tighter as we turn onto the road. Dad pulls into the parking lot. Bam literally jumps out before we even stop. He starts walking as fast as he can towards the cemetery gates, stopping so he can wait for us. I lean over in between the driver and passenger seat. I put my hand on my dad's shoulder.

"Dad, I want you to come with us. If you don't want to, you don't have to." I wait silently for an answer, looking out the window and staring at the yards of land that are strewn with differently shaped tombstones. In the corner of my eye, I see Dad nod his head. We get out of the car and follow Bam to Ryan's gravestone near the front of the property. They picked a truly beautiful one for him. The most beautiful I've ever seen. All of us sit down in front of it as I run my hand across the slick, flat surface of the stone. I study everything written on it until it doesn't seem real anymore. His full name, his birth date and death date, his smiling face in the top left corner, and the words "Keep them laughing for eternity, We miss your smiling face." printed underneath all of it.

The sentence hits home and results in tears spilling out of my eyes. I hear a short, silent gasp come from Bam as he starts sobbing, burying his face into his hand. I put my hand on his back, rubbing gentle, medium-sized circles in between his shoulder blades. Dad puts his hand on my shoulder. We stare at the gravestone as Bam continues to cry his heart out.

Dad's expression is blank, but I know that he's just as sad as Bam and I. I frown at how I've treated him the past year. He's been hurting just as much as us. And I didn't cut him any slack. I only cared about my pain. My heart sinks once that realization sinks in. I lean my head on his shoulder and snake my free arm around his waist. The three of us sit in front of our close friend's stone, becoming lost in memories that won't ever be lost.

After what feels like hours, the two men stand up and start to walk away, shoulders slumped and feet shuffling. I stand up, but stay rooted in my spot. I reach into my pocket and pull out my letter and rubber band. I reread it before I will wrap it around the stem of the rose. I unfold my paper and read the words I wrote only a couple hours ago.

Dear Ryan,

I'm going to miss the days when we'd pull pranks on everybody, make fun of Bam for the littlest things, try to teach you how to skateboard, and all those other things that made our friendship fun, hilarious, and worthwhile. You were like a brother to me and knowing that you aren't here anymore will always hurt, no matter what happens with my life from here on out. I'm always going to love you and it's the same with everyone who knew you. You gave me this rose when I lost someone years ago. But right now, I'm sure that the one place I want it to be now is here with you. I love you, brother. You'll have a special place in my heart for as long as I'm alive.

Love, Ava

I wrap the paper around the stem and pull the rubber band over it so it will stay in place. I hide it behind all the other flowers and letters left here by his friends and relatives.

Whatever our last moments were with Ryan, we'll remember them with smiles, laughter, and tears. Until then, we have to deal with his passing in a safe and healthy way that won't make the pain of his absence worse.