Summer's Never Looked The Same

The clips and music mixed together don't bring me any happiness from watching the last videos we'll ever film of Ryan. No matter how funny they are. While I love what they used for the tribute, I also try to think of it as an award to an alive Ryan for something incredibly awesome and stupid he did, something that has exceeded all the things that the Jackass guys have ever done the past eleven years. But that doesn't last long when the end of the video with Ryan laughing hysterically at Bam falling from his chair reads "we love you ryan" at the bottom, fading out with image and sound of Ryan's laughter.

Everybody gets up from their chairs and we leave the large lawn that we've been sitting on the past hour, listening to people talk about Ryan before showing the tribute. The chairs that are set up in front of the grave are filled in and two men slowly lower Ryan's coffin into the ground, making me more anxious and frantic. My hands shake and my heart beats so fast, I think I'm going to have a heart attack right here. My chest feels pressured and twisted.

I close my eyes, thinking it'd make this easier. But it doesn't. In fact, it's far more worse. Now I can hear all the little sounds everyone's making. Heavy breathing, crying, whimpers. Ryan's mother, Linda, let's out this sound that I can't describe. It's like a cry, a gasp, and a yell all at once. And it makes me open my eyes because I don't want to hear anything else come from anyone's mouth.

Ryan is six feet under, his casket resting on the bottom of the cold, hard grave. This hurts even more. Once everybody puts in their flowers or whatever they want to add to his grave, they start to stand up and leave. Dad puts his hand on my shoulder when I don't budge.

"I'll catch up in a second." I whisper before he can say anything. I can see him nod in the corner of my eye and he leaves with Bam and Missy to go to the car. Once I'm completely alone, except for the guys who bury the coffin, I stand up from the chair and walk over to the grave until I'm at the edge of it. They turn around and walk a little ways to leave me alone. I take a deep breath and start.

"Man, I'm still not ready to do this." I stop and swallow back the lump in my throat, then continue. "Remember when one of my friends died? And I was so upset, I was throwing up and crying for weeks? You comforted me through all of that. You listened when I talked. You didn't talk about how you'd feel or what you would do because you knew that wasn't what I wanted to hear..." My eyes well up with hot, salty tears that fall and sting my torn lips from biting them. The tears are so hot, they actually hurt my cheeks.

"What hurts the most is you're not here to comfort me. I think your death has affected me more than anything else I've had to deal with.... I've never cared about somebody this much. You're my best friend, Ryan. You always will be. It's going to be hard not having you here to make me feel better when I'm sad. I love you so much. Goodbye."

Reluctantly, I turn and start walking away, my heart breaking with every step I take. Before I reach the gate of the graveyard, I look back to see the grave being filled with dirt. I feel like I'm betraying him by walking away. But he's dead. I can't do anything about it. I can't have him back. Slowly, I turn back to my family, who are watching me. I walk over and I'm engulfed in their arms. I push down the rising sobs in my chest.