I Wish I Could Be the One

We had been back home for about 6 months. The guys were writing and practicing at Matt’s everyday, trying to get ready to record a studio album. I hadn’t gotten a ring, which didn’t really matter to me at the time and Hanes hadn’t gotten his ‘Beamer’ yet either. But we did get an apartment together…near the beach (which we spent more time at than in our apartment) and Hanes made sure he bought plenty of mirrors for our Love Pad, as we liked to call it.

We were all having so much fun together. This was definitely how our lives were supposed to be and everything seemed perfect.

Until…

****

“Why have you been such a moody bitch lately?” Brian shouted.

“Did you just friggin’ call me a bitch?” I asked in amazement.

“A ‘moody bitch’, there’s a difference.” He practically growled at me…and it wasn’t one of his good growls.

“Oh…I don’t know…maybe it’s because you’re such an asshole.” I replied simply, trying to be as blasé as possible.

“Bree come on…you can’t even justify that…I kiss your ass on a regular basis.” Oh…so it’s time to drop our cute nicknames…he must be considering this a ‘serious’ conversation.

“Well there’s only one reason for that isn’t there?” He was starting to break me down and he knew it.

“Are you shitting me? Seriously? Are you going to hold this bullshit over my head for the rest of my life?” He seemed shocked.

“Well I’m not the one who felt I needed to kiss some other bitch.” I was up to screaming level for the third time this week.

“I didn’t kiss her…how many friggin’ times do I have to tell you that? How many friggin’ times do I have to apologize to you for something that wasn’t my fault. I had no control over what Michelle did.” If I had a dime for every time he’s said that in the past month, I could have bought him his Beamer by now.

“Well you didn’t look like it killed you, what if I hadn’t shown up, what were you going to let her do then?” I was mortified really. It’s not like I didn’t have any faith in Brian, but I couldn’t trust Michelle as far as I could throw her. She only wanted him again because she found out we were together.

“I’m not even going to get into this conversation again, it’s ridiculous. We agreed that this subject was done with. We’ve re-hashed it 200 times and I’m not doing it again.” He claimed as he folded his arms in front of his chest.

“She wants you back!” I exclaimed…here comes the tears…again.

“I don’t care. I don’t want her. She and I were finished years ago. She kissed me almost a month ago. You said you were over it. Why is this still a problem with you?” He was shouting again, as if that was going to get his point across. “I really think there’s something more to this. What else is going on here? Are you trying to break up with me? Am I not doing it for you anymore? Am I not living up to your expectations? Am I not capable of being up on that pedestal you’ve had me on for so long?” Jesus, he was ruthless today, wasn’t he? He should know better.

The tears where flowing freely now. I seriously didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me. I felt like shit physically and emotionally. One minute I’d be fine, the next I was a mess. It all started around the time I caught Michelle trying to muckle on to my Babes. I knew he didn’t have anything to do with it, but he looked awfully guilty when I pulled her off of him. And then he stopped me from beating the shit out of her. Almost like he was sticking up for her or saving her from me…like she didn’t deserve a good beating.

I just feel uncomfortable around him, and just about everyone for that matter. Of course Michelle told everyone what happened…and it seemed to me that our friends were actually feeling bad for her. I guess I could have just been paranoid…but I always seemed confused about everything nowadays. Like I couldn’t focus on anything anymore.

“Hello?? Earth to Bree…are you going to answer me or are you just going to sit there and drown in your tears?” He asked viciously.

I suppose this comment brought me right back down to reality, as my tears stopped almost immediately. Now, I just wanted to punch him in the face.

“How dare you pull your pompous ass attitude with me. Who do you think you’re talking to?” I was shouting fiercely. “Maybe shit like that is exactly why I’m a moody bitch.”

“I don’t have a fucking clue who I’m talking to, to be honest with you. But it’s definitely not my girl…it seems like I haven’t talked to her for a while now, and I just want her back.” Now it seemed as if he were breaking.

“You haven’t talked to ‘your girl’ since the day I saw Michelle attached to your face, why is that so hard for you to figure out?” The problem with this was that I had to clue as to why I was still so angry.

“So that’s it…you’re going to just hate me because of that?”

“No…I don’t know.” I was at a loss for words.

“What the hell do you mean…you don’t know?” His anger was quickly coming back. All I could do was shrug my shoulders. I really did not know what I was feeling and I was scared. How do you explain something to someone when you can’t even explain it to yourself?

“Well when do you think you’re going to figure it out?” His voice cracked a little.

“I don’t know, but your attitude isn’t helping.”

“Well I’m not going to lose the attitude until the girl I’m in love with is back and normal again.” He said defiantly. This was turning out to be a pure battle of wills between the two of us.

“Then that’s not going to accomplish anything, Brian. We live together, it’ll be like World War III here.”

“Maybe you should think about staying elsewhere then…until you figure yourself out.” He actually had to look away from me at this point.

“Are you shitting me…did you actually just suggest what I think you did?” He might as well have just slapped me across the face.

“Well you wouldn’t have to deal with my attitude.” He stated matter-of-factly, still looking away.

“I want you to tell me how you think separating is going to help this.” I demanded.

“I just don’t want to be around you while you’re like this. I’ve never seen this from you and I don’t like it. If I keep seeing it, I’m just not going to like you at all.” He was practically whispering all of a sudden.

“Oh…oh…oh…I get it…your bored is that it?” I was to my boiling point now, and had every intention of getting him to his. “This is the excuse you’re going to use to get me out of your life so you can move on with all your skanks again? You don’t have the balls to just tell me that, so you’re going to turn it all around on me…it’s my entire fault.”

“Will you pull your head out of your ass?” His veins in his neck were practically popping out of his skin. “What the hell is wrong with you? Did you even listen to a word I just said?”

“I heard you loud and clear actually.” Giving him the same pompous attitude I got earlier.

“You heard me…but did you listen to me?”

“Would you stop treating me like a 5 year old?”

“Stop acting like one, and I’ll think about it.” He responded indignantly, arms back over the chest.

“Ok asshole…you win…you want me to leave, I’ll leave.” I cried as I started walking towards our bedroom.

“I don’t want you to leave, I want you to come back to me, and be the way you’ve always been.” He looked at me with such sad eyes.

“Because you think this is just an issue I have with myself?”

“Yes.”

“So, I can’t be with you unless I can be ‘normal’ to your standards?”

“Do you really think there’s nothing wrong here?” He pleaded with me.

“Maybe this is me…maybe this is who I am…maybe this is your real girl.” I suggested spitefully.

“No it’s not! Don’t be a moron, I’ve known you since you were 7.” His temper is always so hot and cold.

“And you’re sick of me…” I seethed.

“Good Christ…would you stop this shit? I’m sick of the emotional roller coaster you’ve had me on for a month…that’s what I’m sick of.” He almost looked close to tears himself.

“Maybe you should start listening to yourself…it’s a pretty convenient time frame don’t you think?” Turning it once again to him. “I’ll repeat what I was saying before…what else happened a month ago?”

“Then you need to forgive me immediately… or leave and realize you still want me and love me…or leave and don’t come back.” He said quietly as he ran his hands through his shaggy black hair. His soft…shaggy black hair. The hair that I just wanted to run over and tug on…like I love to every time we have sex. Why could I not stick with one thought process here?

“So I’m getting an ultimatum?” I asked defeated.

“If that’s what you want call it.” He shrugged.

“And your perfectly ok with me leaving?” I just needed him to walk over to me, and hold me, and not let me go…but that was definitely not happening here.

“No…not at all, but I’m also not ok with you being a bitch to me, for no reason, either.” His mind seemed pretty made up unfortunately.

“Well I can’t promise that I can just change how I’m feeling in a few seconds.” I was pleading with my eyes, that he now wouldn’t look at.

“Do you even know how you’re feeling?” He wondered.

“No.” What else could I say, that was the truth for some reason.

“Well then…go stay with Val and Matt, have them help you figure it out.” So that was it…I was being dismissed.

“Why can’t you help me figure it out, while I continue to stay here with you?”

“Because honestly…in your head somewhere…I think I’m the problem.”

***

I reluctantly went to call Val, but thought better of it. Brian wasn’t my problem. Michelle was. I didn’t want to put Val in the position of having to take sides with her twin and her best friend.

My brothers still mooched off my parents…though I really can’t say much, so did I until I moved in with Brian…I didn’t want to be anywhere near my parents while I felt like this. They never thought Brian was good enough for me. This would only give them something to shove up my ass later on.

So I called Jimmy. He had been seeing this new girl, Leana, and she was really great. A girl version of him, only much shorter. I thought if anyone could keep my chin up, it would be the two of them.