I Wish I Could Be the One
The Tracks of My Tears...
I slept for another full 12 hours after that. I felt better when I finally got up and was starving. I wanted pancakes, but then I wanted eggs too…so I had both plus toast and bacon.
“Um…Beebs…you should probably not eat that much again in such a short time…I think your stomach has shrunk, you need to work yourself back into having feasts.” Leana suggested through the door as I was once again hugging the Porcelain God.
“Yeah…I think I know what you mean, Lee. I’m sorry about all this, really.” I was working myself up into a fresh batch of tears.
“Honey, don’t be sorry…we just want you to feel better.” I was loving this girl right now.
THREE HOURS LATER…
“Jesus Christ…why does this hurt so bad?” I whined, doubled up in pain on the bathroom floor again.
“What’s the matter Beebs?” Leana was still playing nurse…
“I’ve had cramps before, but nothing like this. It feels like I’m being stabbed over and over again.”
“What did you have to eat?” She asked as she came rushing through the door.
“Nothing.”
“Then what are you throwing up?” Her voice rising again.
“Nothing…I don’t know…nasty ass bile, I guess.”
“Hold on.”
“Alright, let’s go babe.” Leana grunted as she helped me to my feet. I wasn’t big by any means, but I was definitely bigger than her.
“Where?” I whispered.
“I just called Val, we’re taking you to the hospital.”
“NO...NO…I’ll be fine.” I started wiggling away from her grasp as best as I could.
“No, you aren’t fine…and if it’s what I’m afraid of, you need to be in a hospital.” That was about the last thing I remember before opening my eyes to the sound of the doctor coming into my room…
***
“I did what?”
“You lost your baby, I’m so sorry.”
“What baby?”
“You were pregnant.”
“What?”
“You didn’t know?”
“If I had known, would we be having this conversation right now?” I had quickly passed from the numb, unknowing phase…into full-blown hysterics. “And what do you mean I lost it?”
“You just suffered a miscarriage.”
“What?” I shouted as loud as I possibly could…I was trying to wake myself up from the nightmare I was now in.
“You know what? I’m going to have one of our counselors come talk to you.”
“I don’t want a counselor!” I screamed. “I want my friends…I want our baby…I was pregnant…how pregnant?” I was completely out of control by now. The doctor looked nervous and came to sit on my bed next to me. And I had just realized I had an IV in my arm. This was too real to be a dream now…
“About six weeks.”
“What did I do?” I was sobbing now, as he took my hand.
“Nothing at all, this happens a lot unfortunately.”
“Why?” I choked out.
“There are many reasons. We’ve run some tests...but there should be no reason why you would not be able to conceive again and carry another baby to full term. You’re a very young, very healthy woman.” I was being as kind as he could be, I’m sure he had to this more often than he would have liked.
“I don’t want another baby. I want this one.”
“I’m sorry, Bree.”
“I’ve been so horrible these past few weeks. I’ve been cruel to people and I’ve felt so…ill.” The guilt was overwhelming me. I was not going to get over this, I just knew it.
“Pregnancy has that effect on women…there’s no controlling those hormones, especially if you don’t know that you’ve conceived right away.” He started in, still holding my hand. “In the future if you ever start feeling that way again, come right in…there are preventative measures that we can take with women who might be prone to pregnancy difficulties. And I’m not saying that will even be the case, this easily could have just been an unfortunate occurrence. You could go on to carry ten healthy babies. Do not blame yourself for this.” He continued patiently. “And take it easy for a few weeks, I’ll write you a prescription to help with the cramping and to help get you some sleep. You’re withdrawn and pale; your body has been through the ringer in the past few days, so please just take it easy. Grieve at your own pace. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people and you will get through this. I will also send a counselor down…” He hesitated for a moment. “Did you need to call anyone who might like to talk to the counselor as well?”
“You mean my fiancé?” Oh no-no-no-no-no…not Brian, what was I going to do about Brian?
“If that’s the situation…yes.”
“No…I don’t know…he didn’t know…because I didn’t know…I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Right back to my uncontrollable sobbing.
“Would you like to see your friends then?” The doctor offered, I’m sure he was feeling the stress of the situation. I just nodded in response.
“Would you like me to explain to them what happened first?” Again, I nodded.
***
“Bree…Berry…BeBe…Beebs…my chica…babe, it’s ok…it will be ok…we’re here for you baby.” Val and Leana enveloped me.
“Sshhh-ssshhh. You’re going to be fine. The doctor said you are healthy…you will bounce back from this, I’ll help you.” Sweet, sweet Val…wasn’t going to understand this.
“I don’t want to be fine. I want our baby back.”
“WE’LL help you. I’ve been through it before. I probably should have known sooner, I feel terrible. I am so sorry Bree.” Leana stated before she too started to cry.
I just looked at her. Stunned. The only sound in the room was the sound of our sobbing, for Val started to cry; as she and Leana curled up along either side of me on the bed. We just sat and hugged each other, for what seemed like forever.
“How can you miss something you never had? How is it possible to miss it this much?” I finally asked my questions to no one in particular.
“It will be ok.” Val mumbled.
“No…it…won’t.”
“Do you want me to call Bri---“ Val started…
“NO…NO…NO.”
“Bree…” Leana whispered gently.
“I said NO!”
“This is something the two of you need to work through together.” Leana insisted.
“How can I look at him? How am I supposed to tell him that I was a bitch to him because I was pregnant with our baby and didn’t know it? How can he ever look at me or love me again when he finds out I killed our baby.” I cried.
“You did not kill your baby!” Val shouted. This was really upsetting her too, obviously.
“My body did.”
“Bree…stop this now! It happened. It happens a lot. This was not your fault. It’s no one’s fault and Brian will understand that.” Val responded as her and Leana got off the bed.
“Take me home.” I demanded.
“Let’s wait for the counselor.” Leana said as she eased me back down on the bed.
“I don’t want a counselor. I want my prescription and then I want to go back to Jimmy’s” I demanded once again.
“Bree…”
“I’m done talking about this.” There it was…good old faithful…emotional defense shut down. I was starting to wonder when that was going to kick in.
“Um…Beebs…you should probably not eat that much again in such a short time…I think your stomach has shrunk, you need to work yourself back into having feasts.” Leana suggested through the door as I was once again hugging the Porcelain God.
“Yeah…I think I know what you mean, Lee. I’m sorry about all this, really.” I was working myself up into a fresh batch of tears.
“Honey, don’t be sorry…we just want you to feel better.” I was loving this girl right now.
THREE HOURS LATER…
“Jesus Christ…why does this hurt so bad?” I whined, doubled up in pain on the bathroom floor again.
“What’s the matter Beebs?” Leana was still playing nurse…
“I’ve had cramps before, but nothing like this. It feels like I’m being stabbed over and over again.”
“What did you have to eat?” She asked as she came rushing through the door.
“Nothing.”
“Then what are you throwing up?” Her voice rising again.
“Nothing…I don’t know…nasty ass bile, I guess.”
“Hold on.”
“Alright, let’s go babe.” Leana grunted as she helped me to my feet. I wasn’t big by any means, but I was definitely bigger than her.
“Where?” I whispered.
“I just called Val, we’re taking you to the hospital.”
“NO...NO…I’ll be fine.” I started wiggling away from her grasp as best as I could.
“No, you aren’t fine…and if it’s what I’m afraid of, you need to be in a hospital.” That was about the last thing I remember before opening my eyes to the sound of the doctor coming into my room…
***
“I did what?”
“You lost your baby, I’m so sorry.”
“What baby?”
“You were pregnant.”
“What?”
“You didn’t know?”
“If I had known, would we be having this conversation right now?” I had quickly passed from the numb, unknowing phase…into full-blown hysterics. “And what do you mean I lost it?”
“You just suffered a miscarriage.”
“What?” I shouted as loud as I possibly could…I was trying to wake myself up from the nightmare I was now in.
“You know what? I’m going to have one of our counselors come talk to you.”
“I don’t want a counselor!” I screamed. “I want my friends…I want our baby…I was pregnant…how pregnant?” I was completely out of control by now. The doctor looked nervous and came to sit on my bed next to me. And I had just realized I had an IV in my arm. This was too real to be a dream now…
“About six weeks.”
“What did I do?” I was sobbing now, as he took my hand.
“Nothing at all, this happens a lot unfortunately.”
“Why?” I choked out.
“There are many reasons. We’ve run some tests...but there should be no reason why you would not be able to conceive again and carry another baby to full term. You’re a very young, very healthy woman.” I was being as kind as he could be, I’m sure he had to this more often than he would have liked.
“I don’t want another baby. I want this one.”
“I’m sorry, Bree.”
“I’ve been so horrible these past few weeks. I’ve been cruel to people and I’ve felt so…ill.” The guilt was overwhelming me. I was not going to get over this, I just knew it.
“Pregnancy has that effect on women…there’s no controlling those hormones, especially if you don’t know that you’ve conceived right away.” He started in, still holding my hand. “In the future if you ever start feeling that way again, come right in…there are preventative measures that we can take with women who might be prone to pregnancy difficulties. And I’m not saying that will even be the case, this easily could have just been an unfortunate occurrence. You could go on to carry ten healthy babies. Do not blame yourself for this.” He continued patiently. “And take it easy for a few weeks, I’ll write you a prescription to help with the cramping and to help get you some sleep. You’re withdrawn and pale; your body has been through the ringer in the past few days, so please just take it easy. Grieve at your own pace. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people and you will get through this. I will also send a counselor down…” He hesitated for a moment. “Did you need to call anyone who might like to talk to the counselor as well?”
“You mean my fiancé?” Oh no-no-no-no-no…not Brian, what was I going to do about Brian?
“If that’s the situation…yes.”
“No…I don’t know…he didn’t know…because I didn’t know…I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Right back to my uncontrollable sobbing.
“Would you like to see your friends then?” The doctor offered, I’m sure he was feeling the stress of the situation. I just nodded in response.
“Would you like me to explain to them what happened first?” Again, I nodded.
***
“Bree…Berry…BeBe…Beebs…my chica…babe, it’s ok…it will be ok…we’re here for you baby.” Val and Leana enveloped me.
“Sshhh-ssshhh. You’re going to be fine. The doctor said you are healthy…you will bounce back from this, I’ll help you.” Sweet, sweet Val…wasn’t going to understand this.
“I don’t want to be fine. I want our baby back.”
“WE’LL help you. I’ve been through it before. I probably should have known sooner, I feel terrible. I am so sorry Bree.” Leana stated before she too started to cry.
I just looked at her. Stunned. The only sound in the room was the sound of our sobbing, for Val started to cry; as she and Leana curled up along either side of me on the bed. We just sat and hugged each other, for what seemed like forever.
“How can you miss something you never had? How is it possible to miss it this much?” I finally asked my questions to no one in particular.
“It will be ok.” Val mumbled.
“No…it…won’t.”
“Do you want me to call Bri---“ Val started…
“NO…NO…NO.”
“Bree…” Leana whispered gently.
“I said NO!”
“This is something the two of you need to work through together.” Leana insisted.
“How can I look at him? How am I supposed to tell him that I was a bitch to him because I was pregnant with our baby and didn’t know it? How can he ever look at me or love me again when he finds out I killed our baby.” I cried.
“You did not kill your baby!” Val shouted. This was really upsetting her too, obviously.
“My body did.”
“Bree…stop this now! It happened. It happens a lot. This was not your fault. It’s no one’s fault and Brian will understand that.” Val responded as her and Leana got off the bed.
“Take me home.” I demanded.
“Let’s wait for the counselor.” Leana said as she eased me back down on the bed.
“I don’t want a counselor. I want my prescription and then I want to go back to Jimmy’s” I demanded once again.
“Bree…”
“I’m done talking about this.” There it was…good old faithful…emotional defense shut down. I was starting to wonder when that was going to kick in.