I Wish I Could Be the One
My debut...gone awry
I was pretty much just psyching myself up for my debut, when Johnny started banging on the little stall (don’t ask how both Val and I managed together in there, cause you do not want to know) door. “Look ladies, you have been in there far longer than two women should be anywhere…without a man in between them.” Of course you could hear a ton of man giggles in the background after that little comment, “…plus, I don’t want to use the port-a-potty again…so get the hell out or I’m coming in.” He demanded.
“Jesus…we don’t want that, Johnny.” And with that Val flung open the door and ushered me into the holding room, where the atmosphere became uncomfortably quiet considering the band and my brothers were sitting there. Val walked over to Matt, leaving me pretty much vulnerable to the wolves…kind of like sending a lamb up to slaughter. “See boys, doesn’t she clean up nice?”
Was that supposed to be a compliment in my favor? I questioned silently in my mind.
And in her perky little Val-self…“I’m thinking we’re going to sell a lot more merch with this little bombshell out there rounding up business!”
Well that was definitely laying it on a little thick, I thought to myself again.
Obviously I was not alone in my thoughts. Her words were met with silence. Absolute silence. Painful silence. Even Johnny never made it to the bathroom. Wow…ok…can you say uncomfortable? As I stood there in my tight (of course) black A7X cami that was barely covering my stomach because the material was being used up in the boob department, my tight (of course) camouflage-colored mini that I had hoped to God was covering more of my ass and thighs than it probably actually was, and some black combats…I started to feel like my feet were the only things actually comfortable on my body, being all covered up and all. I started fidgeting and shifting my weight, looking for the nearest exit.
“Guys…?” Was all Val could muster, as the confidence she had in her earlier words to me started to quickly fade.
I started actually making eye contact with people…my brothers literally looked like they were going to get sick, Shads wouldn’t stop staring at his feet, Johnny just stood behind me with a hand covering his mouth – I don’t know maybe he was actually going to be sick. Zacky just started pushing his hands through his hair violently and Jimmy was looking directly at…Brian.
Which led me to look at the one face I was hoping had disappeared by now…no such luck.
I looked into those brown eyes and had no idea who the hell I was looking at. That face that I had grown to love every inch of over the years, was just contorted into this look of crazed confusion. I was convinced that I saw some disgust thrown in there for good measure…of course this definitely could have just been my overactive imagination.
My embarrassment at this point had quickly turned to shame which quickly turned to hurt and anger…I mean, what the hell was I suppose to be embarrassed and ashamed about? I knew I had a nice body…right…right? Just because I had never shown it off before now, doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. So what if I always wore baggy clothes, so what if I seemed like more of a tomboy, than a girl, at times…what the hell did the guys think was happening to my body while I was working out at the gym with them and Val all the time?
I felt myself become flush, and I’m sure I was turning seven different shades of red and purple as all these thoughts raced through my mind. I didn’t know why I was getting this reaction, or lack thereof, from my best friends and family. I couldn’t understand why Brian looked the way he did. I was far better for him than any skank whore he ever hooked up with…that was something I knew wholeheartedly. Obviously, I was alone in my belief. And I guess I was realizing what Val and I had talked about earlier was more of a prevalent feeling than I had originally thought. Because when I didn’t immediately get the reaction from him that I had wanted (expected?) I started to panic. The emotions welling up inside of me were more than I could handle…I could start to feel the tears coming, I knew I had to get the hell out of there…unfortunately…this did not take place before I started spewing out a little rage first.
“What? I mean…what the fuck?” I shouted. “What the fuck is your fucking problem? All of you…even you Val? Not so fucking courageous for me now are you? Didn’t think they’d be absolutely mortified did you? Or did you just tell me all that shit back there, just to make me come out here and make a complete ass out of myself?” I said accusingly and looked right at her. She completely knew I was on the verge of tears even though my voice kept its control. And I knew I was taking my hurt and anger out on exactly the WRONG person…but I couldn’t bear to look at any of the others.
All that she could squeak in response; was that she absolutely meant what she had said and that she thought I looked beautiful. Ok, well that might work for me if she or I were lesbians, but that’s not the case, so enough said…
“Fine, fine”…I tossed out, to no one in particular. I could have easily just been shouting at the wall… “Whatever, what-fucking ever…” I spat. “I don’t fucking care, I just don’t care. I don’t care what any of you fucking pricks think about me. I’m doing this shit for you! And at this point I have no fucking idea why I’m doing this for you…but who the fuck cares right? I don’t. I sure don’t…”
(Oh no, this was not good, I was rambling now…).
“I’m just gonna go the fuck out there, and sell your fucking shit…for you.”
Oh yeah…I was pretty much mental at this point.
“How’s that? Is that all right? Or is there someone in this room who’d like to tell me that’s not something I’ll be able to do?” note to brain…please tell my damn mouth to stop moving…
Lot’s of head shaking from the guys at this point, even if there was no longer any direct eye contact…well at least the wall wasn’t my only audience.
“Fine, whatever…have a great fucking show my friends…catch you all later…Val…are you coming with me?”
“Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec” I heard her…almost whisper.
Well I wasn’t going to stand there any longer, that’s for sure…I might start talking again. I had to get out while I still had a shred of dignity. Shit, who was I kidding, I had lost that and all self-respect the minute I was shoved out of that stall.
“I’ll be outside setting up,” I mumbled back to Val, as I flung open the door and let it slam behind me.
A good part of this was Val’s fault and she knew it. I fumed…it was all her idea. She had seen a bunch of the other bands we were touring with; use hot girls they had just met, to sell their merch for them. The idea being a fairly simple one…
1. A shit load of testosterone filled, drunk, boy-men kicking the shit out of each other in the pits…
2. These boys find themselves getting lured in by a beautiful girl’s “charms” let’s say.
3. These same boys spend money…
I mean it’s hardly an original idea, by any means…but one that always seems to work, as I was soon to find out.
By the time I started setting up our little merch table, in my skimpy little outfit…I had a line of guys just waiting to get pics, and autographs (from me?), and buy anything they could get their hands on, as long as it meant they were getting my undivided attention for a few minutes. Well, shit…I guess I don’t need my friend’s approval…I smirked to myself…Val’s point had been made within the first 90 seconds.
This would be heaven to any under-appreciated girl looking for some attention. Unfortunately, I realized pretty fast that this wasn’t the specific attention I was looking for…and quickly determined that there was only one man that I wanted this attention from…and from the look on his face back in that sweaty little room…I could tell that I’d probably be waiting for it until hell froze over.
“Jesus…we don’t want that, Johnny.” And with that Val flung open the door and ushered me into the holding room, where the atmosphere became uncomfortably quiet considering the band and my brothers were sitting there. Val walked over to Matt, leaving me pretty much vulnerable to the wolves…kind of like sending a lamb up to slaughter. “See boys, doesn’t she clean up nice?”
Was that supposed to be a compliment in my favor? I questioned silently in my mind.
And in her perky little Val-self…“I’m thinking we’re going to sell a lot more merch with this little bombshell out there rounding up business!”
Well that was definitely laying it on a little thick, I thought to myself again.
Obviously I was not alone in my thoughts. Her words were met with silence. Absolute silence. Painful silence. Even Johnny never made it to the bathroom. Wow…ok…can you say uncomfortable? As I stood there in my tight (of course) black A7X cami that was barely covering my stomach because the material was being used up in the boob department, my tight (of course) camouflage-colored mini that I had hoped to God was covering more of my ass and thighs than it probably actually was, and some black combats…I started to feel like my feet were the only things actually comfortable on my body, being all covered up and all. I started fidgeting and shifting my weight, looking for the nearest exit.
“Guys…?” Was all Val could muster, as the confidence she had in her earlier words to me started to quickly fade.
I started actually making eye contact with people…my brothers literally looked like they were going to get sick, Shads wouldn’t stop staring at his feet, Johnny just stood behind me with a hand covering his mouth – I don’t know maybe he was actually going to be sick. Zacky just started pushing his hands through his hair violently and Jimmy was looking directly at…Brian.
Which led me to look at the one face I was hoping had disappeared by now…no such luck.
I looked into those brown eyes and had no idea who the hell I was looking at. That face that I had grown to love every inch of over the years, was just contorted into this look of crazed confusion. I was convinced that I saw some disgust thrown in there for good measure…of course this definitely could have just been my overactive imagination.
My embarrassment at this point had quickly turned to shame which quickly turned to hurt and anger…I mean, what the hell was I suppose to be embarrassed and ashamed about? I knew I had a nice body…right…right? Just because I had never shown it off before now, doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. So what if I always wore baggy clothes, so what if I seemed like more of a tomboy, than a girl, at times…what the hell did the guys think was happening to my body while I was working out at the gym with them and Val all the time?
I felt myself become flush, and I’m sure I was turning seven different shades of red and purple as all these thoughts raced through my mind. I didn’t know why I was getting this reaction, or lack thereof, from my best friends and family. I couldn’t understand why Brian looked the way he did. I was far better for him than any skank whore he ever hooked up with…that was something I knew wholeheartedly. Obviously, I was alone in my belief. And I guess I was realizing what Val and I had talked about earlier was more of a prevalent feeling than I had originally thought. Because when I didn’t immediately get the reaction from him that I had wanted (expected?) I started to panic. The emotions welling up inside of me were more than I could handle…I could start to feel the tears coming, I knew I had to get the hell out of there…unfortunately…this did not take place before I started spewing out a little rage first.
“What? I mean…what the fuck?” I shouted. “What the fuck is your fucking problem? All of you…even you Val? Not so fucking courageous for me now are you? Didn’t think they’d be absolutely mortified did you? Or did you just tell me all that shit back there, just to make me come out here and make a complete ass out of myself?” I said accusingly and looked right at her. She completely knew I was on the verge of tears even though my voice kept its control. And I knew I was taking my hurt and anger out on exactly the WRONG person…but I couldn’t bear to look at any of the others.
All that she could squeak in response; was that she absolutely meant what she had said and that she thought I looked beautiful. Ok, well that might work for me if she or I were lesbians, but that’s not the case, so enough said…
“Fine, fine”…I tossed out, to no one in particular. I could have easily just been shouting at the wall… “Whatever, what-fucking ever…” I spat. “I don’t fucking care, I just don’t care. I don’t care what any of you fucking pricks think about me. I’m doing this shit for you! And at this point I have no fucking idea why I’m doing this for you…but who the fuck cares right? I don’t. I sure don’t…”
(Oh no, this was not good, I was rambling now…).
“I’m just gonna go the fuck out there, and sell your fucking shit…for you.”
Oh yeah…I was pretty much mental at this point.
“How’s that? Is that all right? Or is there someone in this room who’d like to tell me that’s not something I’ll be able to do?” note to brain…please tell my damn mouth to stop moving…
Lot’s of head shaking from the guys at this point, even if there was no longer any direct eye contact…well at least the wall wasn’t my only audience.
“Fine, whatever…have a great fucking show my friends…catch you all later…Val…are you coming with me?”
“Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec” I heard her…almost whisper.
Well I wasn’t going to stand there any longer, that’s for sure…I might start talking again. I had to get out while I still had a shred of dignity. Shit, who was I kidding, I had lost that and all self-respect the minute I was shoved out of that stall.
“I’ll be outside setting up,” I mumbled back to Val, as I flung open the door and let it slam behind me.
A good part of this was Val’s fault and she knew it. I fumed…it was all her idea. She had seen a bunch of the other bands we were touring with; use hot girls they had just met, to sell their merch for them. The idea being a fairly simple one…
1. A shit load of testosterone filled, drunk, boy-men kicking the shit out of each other in the pits…
2. These boys find themselves getting lured in by a beautiful girl’s “charms” let’s say.
3. These same boys spend money…
I mean it’s hardly an original idea, by any means…but one that always seems to work, as I was soon to find out.
By the time I started setting up our little merch table, in my skimpy little outfit…I had a line of guys just waiting to get pics, and autographs (from me?), and buy anything they could get their hands on, as long as it meant they were getting my undivided attention for a few minutes. Well, shit…I guess I don’t need my friend’s approval…I smirked to myself…Val’s point had been made within the first 90 seconds.
This would be heaven to any under-appreciated girl looking for some attention. Unfortunately, I realized pretty fast that this wasn’t the specific attention I was looking for…and quickly determined that there was only one man that I wanted this attention from…and from the look on his face back in that sweaty little room…I could tell that I’d probably be waiting for it until hell froze over.