I Wish I Could Be the One

“So it’s been a couple years…nothing new to share?” Shads quizzed me out of the blue. “Are you guys going to finally stop having kids, now that you produced a girl?”

“Well we’re not going to stop having sex, so I guess that remains to be seen.” I responded genuinely.

“Can’t you have protected sex…can’t you get snipped or neutered or something?” Jimmy offered.

“And stop naturally producing little cherubs like the ones we have?” I asked incredulously as they all winced at the word cherubs. “Not a chance…we’ve tried the protection thing anyway…didn’t work. We were just meant to populate the world, obviously.” I continued defending myself. “Besides your kiddoes, collectively, all need spouses in the future…we have to make sure everyone’s accounted for.”

“Are you insane? Do you actually think we’re gonna let our kids reproduce with your brood?” Shads bellowed. “We’ll end up with 100’s of wild little grandchildren running around in the next 20 years!”

“Especially if one of our boys hooks up with little JB, she’s already worse than all your boys combined and if she comes equipped with you and your wife’s fertility genes…we’re all totally screwed…literally.” Jimmy pretended to be frightened. Out of everyone he worshipped my kids the most and vice versa…I wonder why that is?

“Hey…that is my baby-girl you’re talking about, you know that right?” I poked him hard in the arm. “And wasn’t world domination our goal anyway?” I gestured toward Shads.

“Well we already know she’s got the Haner Family Domination…” Zacky chimed in. “How do you find it possible to live in that house with two Berry girls, anyway?”

“It’s a big house.” I shrugged helplessly.

“It can’t be big enough.” Shads teased.

“You’re right most days it isn’t …but as long as I keep Big Mama happy, JB-girl stays happy…” I admitted sheepishly.

“Is that even possible?” JB wondered aloud.

“Oh, yeah…definitely…so far anyway…” I grinned pompously.

“And how is that…or do we want to know?” Matt-twin inquired.

“Keep her where she can see the sun and the beach, sex all the time, and a lot of tiny, shiny expensive things…”

“You’re right…I didn’t want to know that…” Matty admitted. “But it’s your fault.”

“How’s that…” I asked shocked.

“You spoil the shit out of her.” JB exclaimed. “You’ve molded her that way…and now you’re going to mold JillieBean too.” He laughed as I got him in a head-lock.

“Dude…Jill..CAME OUT like that…Berry was setting that up the whole nine months.” I whined, as I started rubbing his head violently. “I don’t know what the hell happened with your sister though…”

“YOU happened to our sister, Gates! She’s got you wrapped around her finger…and we’ve all determined that you actually LIKE being pussy-whipped.” Matty jumped on my back to get me off of JB…

“Well, when it comes to your sister…being whipped is definitely not a bad thing!” I grunted loudly as the rest of the men (boys) had to join in to our tussle in which we ended up having one of our no holds barred wrestling matches in the middle of my studio floor.

“Seriously…I don’t know how you do it man…” Zacky huffed and puffed, as we started to calm down finally.

“It’s not that hard really – house location takes care of the first two. I definitely don’t have a problem with the 3rd requirement and as long as our asses keep making kick ass music for our fans to love, the 4th stipulation isn’t a problem either.” I wheezed a little. You’d think I’d be in a little better shape having to keep up with my boys the way I do. “I will admit though…if it’s a real off day…I take the little men to the studio downstairs here, or to the beach to surf with the big twins, or to the range…where we set up ‘attractive’ little Berry targets…”

“You did not just say that…” JB growled as he tackled me once again…he and his brother were always so protective of their sister.

“I’m joking…only about the target parts…we just visualize instead…” I mocked him. “Besides, with the way the two of you go around all ‘Brother Bear’ on her…I kind of think you two are the ones who spoiled her instead of your parents.” I wheezed some more. Of course I was only kidding, I knew it was all my doing…but I can’t help it…she loves me and the tribe so much, how could I not cater to her?

“That’s it dude…you are so done…say your prayers!” Matty pretended to lay a drop kick on me.

“Hey…you try it one of these days…” This time I had JB in a half-nelson. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed that the two of you conveniently disappear at just the right time.” I insisted as Jimmy joined back in and was able to peel Matty off of my back once more. “If you can last 5 hours with the two of them on a bad day, I’ll have the Pope make you a Saint. Why the hell do you think I try to keep her preggars all the time?”

“Not a clue, man…not a clue.” Shads laughed as he laid the four of us out in one seemingly swift motion.

“Many, many less bad days that way. And it was working to my advantage until this last one.” I lay there, trying to finally catch my breath. “Zacky, I’m so sorry I judged you man…I just had no idea. Some days I think maybe I should have listened to you…I don’t know how you make it out of your house alive everyday.”

“Number one, I have a partner now…and trust me, when he gets older…we will not hesitate to wreak havoc on those women.” Zacky smiled devilishly and rubbed his hands together. “I’ve already started setting things up. But, seriously…when it comes right down to it, Gena and the girls don’t even compare to your woman and her mini-clone.”

“You know it’s only going to get worse as JillieBean gets older right?” Jimmy stated matter-of-factly.

“Please don’t remind me…if I could be guaranteed another boy or two, just to even things out more…I wouldn’t hesitate to put every effort into getting her pregnant again…not that I don’t anyway.” I patted myself on the back as I finally got up off the floor.

“Jesus, it’s sad when you have to admit that 5 boys, their father AND their two uncles can not get a grip on two meager females.” Johnny exclaimed.

“Did you just use the term ‘meager’ to describe my girls?” I asked incredulously, as the other guys busted out laughing again.

“Yeah, that was kind of stupid wasn’t it?” Johnny asked, scratching his head.

“And the Little Dude finally sees ‘the light’!” Jimmy clapped Johnny on the back and cheered.

As if on cue, my Nextel beeped…

“Hey…speak of the devil…literally.” Jimmy yelled.

“That woman has you on radar, Gates…seriously.” Shads just shook his head in disbelief.