What I Know

I don’t remember the exact moment where I knew things were turning sour. I just remember feeling it in my gut. I could tell she was turning away from me, slowly but surely, and it hurt. But I knew there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. If there was one thing that Gabi was for sure, it was stubborn. Once she put her mind to something, she was going to stick with it.

I loved her though. Unfortunately, that was the problem. I loved her too much, and now this was where we were. And I didn’t like it, but that was the way it was.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about her. That’s what I got for deciding to drive all the way home from LAX while Justin napped in the passenger seat. We had just gotten back from tour. We were both exhausted, but we had left our car at the airport for the short, week long tour and we wanted to get home ASAP, so I volunteered. Driving was a way to distract myself from what was waiting for me at home.

Home. Just thinking about it made my mind freeze up. Because home meant Gabi, and Gabi meant... well, I wasn’t sure what Gabi meant. Which was my problem.

Just thinking of Gabi made my mind go a million miles a minute. She had the tendency to do that to me, even after all these years. Because the truth is, I had known Gabi, really known her, for over five years now. But I had been in love with her for even longer.

Gabi had been a friend of a friend, and I had only vaguely known of her for some time. She was that untouchable girl at parties, the one I knew of but didn’t know, the one I wanted to know more than anything in the world. She had long, wavy, chocolate brown hair and her skin was flawless. She was always sun-kissed, and I blamed that on the Arizona sun, but I definitely was not complaining. She usually stuck with shorts and cropped shirts, tank tops, and various bathing suit tops; she said it was because she got hot easily, but I think it was because she liked to show off her body. Who could blame her though? She had a perfect one, with curves in all the right places. Her bones weren’t sticking out everywhere you looked, though; she was softer somehow, if that even made sense. Perfect. At least to me.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair in frustration. This was what she did to me. She made me sound like a thirteen year old girl with a crush. It was pathetic, but I had been pathetic for so long that it hardly fazed me anymore.

I try and shut my mind off and focus on nothing but the white dotted lines separating my lane from the other lane on the highway. I listen as the CD in the player changes to the next one, and as soon as it starts playing I almost veer off the road.

The CD she had made me when we first started dating started to spin in the player, the sounds of the songs that made me think of her filling my ears. The songs bringing me back to specific highs (and lows) in our relationship. There were so many, my head started to spin. I couldn’t think straight through all of the memories.

***

She handed the CD over to me with a big grin on her face. It was completely covered in Sharpie graffiti, or a “work of art” as she so fondly called it. That was what she liked to do; she made you a CD and then spent more time coloring on the front than she did actually making the thing. But it was a part of the process, and you either loved it or hated it.

I slowly read the title wrapping around in a circle around the CD out loud to her. “Songs That I Am Absolutely Positively Sure Will Make You Think Of Me In Some Way Or Another.” I laughed at the end, leaning forward and slipping it into my beat up, piece of shit car’s stereo system. My car may have been a piece of shit, but my stereo system definitely was not.

As the first song filled my ears, I got distracted by her hand on my knee. She was bouncing in her seat, singing along loud and proud to the song playing through the speakers. “I love this song! It’s so fun and bouncy and it always makes me want to dance!” she exclaimed. “Which is why I put it on here. I like to think that’s how you see me,” she smirked at me, still dancing in her seat.

“You have no idea,” I responded quietly, leaning over the center console to capture her singing lips in a quick kiss.

***

I tried to shake the memory, but that was like shaking something that was so apart of you, which is exactly what Gabi was. She was apart of me now, and I wasn’t sure I could shake her. Not now, not ever.

***

Several hours later, I was pulling up in front of Justin’s house. I shook him awake and told him we were home. He mumbled a response, but gathered his things and waved a quick goodbye before heading into his house. His disheveled state made me laugh. With a shake of my head, I waved one last time even though I knew he wouldn’t see, and pulled out of the driveway. I lived roughly fifteen minutes away from Justin, and I knew I would need every single one of those minutes to collect myself.

I knew Gabi was waiting for me to return. We lived together though, so of course she would be there. I knew that a small part of me was praying she wouldn’t be there though, but I also knew she would be.

I was a mess, but that was what Gab did to me.

When I was finally pulling into my driveway, I noticed her familiar gray Toyota Corolla sitting in the driveway as well.

I sighed and threw the car in park. It was now or never, I thought to myself, and climbed out of the car.

I took my time getting to the front door. But my driveway was short, and my front yard was small, and so the trek didn’t take me long. Before I knew it, I was taking a deep breath and grabbing ahold of the door handle.

When I opened it, I was expecting some sort of noise to greet me. Maybe it would be Gabi’s puppy, running to the front door to greet me. Maybe it would be the TV with whatever reality show was on that night with the contestants running their mouths while Gabi slowly but surely got sucked into the make believe world. But there was nothing. Not a sound echoed through the house. It scared me at first, but then it was like a relief. Maybe Gabi wasn’t even here. Maybe I had nothing to worry about.

Maybe that was all a lie.

I walked slowly through the hall, calling out. “Anyone here? Gabi? You home?” I even resorted to talking to her puppy. “Max? Where are ya buddy?”

But nothing. Not a sound.

I walked into the living room and noticed the TV off. To my left was the staircase leading upstairs to the bedrooms and the bathroom, and to my right was the dining room and kitchen. I noticed the bags sitting on the stairs, but it didn’t really faze me. I surprisingly just wanted to find Gabi.

By the time I got into the kitchen to get a drink before my search continued upstairs, I found her. She was quietly sitting at the kitchen table with a magazine in front of her. She looked like a mess. Her hair was a mess, her face was a mess, and her clothes looked like she had grabbed them off of a pile in her bedroom.

I stopped in the doorway, confused. “Gabs?” I spoke quietly, but she didn’t even acknowledge me. “Gabi, is everything okay?”

Her response was a laugh. She laughed. It wasn’t a hysterical “I’m fucking crazy” laugh, it was just a small chuckle. But still.

I took a few steps forward and sat down at the table. That was when she finally looked up at me. That was when I noticed the tears in her eyes, and immediately, I was worried. “Gabi what is wrong?”

“I really fucked up, Eric. Not just a typical Gabi fuck up either, but a really serious major fuck up. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

I sighed and sat back in the chair. So here it comes, I thought to myself. “What happened, Gabi? Talk to me.” I was pleading with her, but my voice was coming out flat. I sounded like I didn’t care at all when in reality, I cared way too much.

“It’s just really hard, Eric, and I’m not sure you realize that. Y’know? It’s hard, and it’s always been hard, but I figured it was worth it. But I’m worn out, Eric. I’m tired and I’m worn out and...” she trailed off quietly, sniffling. She wasn’t crying, and she wasn’t overly upset, but that was Gabi. She hardly ever cried, so even that small sniffle told me that she really was upset.

“Gabi, you’re kind of speaking in circles here. What happened?” Now I was pleading. She was freaking me out.

She nodded slowly before getting up from the kitchen table. She walked aimlessly around the kitchen, pacing almost, but she still wouldn’t speak. I was getting frustrated, so I got up and walked over to her. I grabbed her gently but firmly by the shoulders to stop her and said, “Gabi. What’s going on?”

That was all it took to break her.

Her eyes got really sad then. She reached up and cupped my cheek gently before she realized what she was doing and she promptly dropped her hand to her side. She squared off her shoulders, as if to give herself a confidence boost, took a deep breath, and spoke.

“I’m not in love with you anymore, Eric.”

I felt like I had been slapped across the face. I felt like I had been stabbed through the heart. Every stupid cliche ever invented for what it felt like to have your heart broken, I was feeling. I just stared at her, dropping my arms at my sides before taking a few steps back. I felt like I needed to put some space between us. I briefly had a feeling of not being able to breathe, but that went away fast.

“What?” I finally said, even though I had heard every word that had just come from her mouth.

“I don’t love you anymore, Eric. And I’m sorry, so sorry but--”

“Stop,” I said firmly. “I heard you, Gabi. I just don’t understand. So if you can help me with that aspect, that would be great,” I said calmly, trying to control the venom in my voice. I knew something was coming, I reminded myself. I knew. Keep calm, Halvo. Keep. Calm.

“I’m sorry, Eric. I’m so sorry,” she repeated, over and over and over again.

“STOP!” I finally yelled, quieting her completely. Something that was really unusual for Gabi. “Someone else?” I practically whispered.

I watched as her head moved up and down easily. It was like she wasn’t even bothered by the fact that she was tearing my heart out and throwing it on the ground between us.

Now I’m angry.

“I just... I found someone else, Eric. You’re never here, and it was too hard. It was too much, alright? I was always alone, I felt like I didn’t even know you anymore.”

I scoffed. “That’s funny Gabs, because you know what? I still know you, despite not being here. I know you’re favorite color is purple. I know you love the smell of movie theater popcorn but you hate eating it because the kernels get stuck in your teeth. I know you love the smell before rain, and ironically enough that is also your favorite lyric in the Brand New song. I know you love to dance, any song, anywhere.” I laughed, bitter, before continuing. “I know every little thing about you Gabs, but it beats the hell out of me why you would wait until now to tell me you don’t love me. Because I love you so much my head spins, Gabi. I can’t even fucking explain it anymore!”

She looked at me then, her eyes sad. “I can’t explain it either, and that’s the problem. You can say all those things Eric, but what we have isn’t love. It’s easy and convenient. I’m a warm body that you have to come home to, but you don’t--”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Gabi. If anything, I love you too much. But don’t you dare say I don’t love you.”

She nodded. “I know that, Eric. I was going to say that you don’t understand because you don’t get it. You love me too much, and I’m not sure I know what love is. That’s the problem.”

I muttered an “unbelievable” before turning on my heel and collapsing in a kitchen chair once again. “If you don’t know what love is, how can it be someone else, Gabi? How does that make sense?”

She sighed and followed my steps over to the table, taking a seat across from me. “I don’t know if I love him yet, Eric. But I know that I don’t love you.” Then she shook her head quickly and recovered. “No, I still care for you, I just am not in love with you anymore.”

I sat quietly, taking this all in. I was upset, of course I was. But then I realized that I knew this was coming. I knew things had changed between Gabi and I, and that we were not what we once were. I would always love her, but we just weren’t forever. As much as that broke my heart, unfortunately, it was true.

I nodded solemnly. “I get it,” I said quietly. “I hate it, but I get it. I loved you too much; I always knew it would bite me in the ass,” I joked, even though it wasn’t funny.

She offered me a sad smile, as if that would comfort me. “I’m so sorry, Eric. I didn’t know this would happen, and if I had I would have stopped something. Because I do care about you and I--”

I cringed and stopped her before I finished her sentence. “You never meant to hurt me, right?” I sighed. “Yeah, I know, Gabs.”

She sighed before she stood, and I followed suit. She reached out to hug me, and I accepted, because she was Gabi. Gabi, the girl I would never have. The untouchable one. Because that’s what she was, even now. She was still the untouchable girl, because even after five years, she was still not mine. I had to live with that.

I helped her with her bags and walked her out, even though it pained me to do. I said goodbye and told her to, at the very least, keep in touch. And once she agreed and was in her car, I waved goodbye.

There goes the Untouchable Girl, I thought sadly before going back into my house.

She may have been untouchable, and she may have fallen out of love with me. I wasn’t sure of much, but all I knew was I loved her and maybe I always would, but I had lost her. That was all there was to it. She had fallen in love with someone else.

She would always be the untouchable girl, and I would never stop loving her.