I ***ed up Again

"Palmer, baby." I heard a voice whisper before I felt my hair getting pushed from my face.

"Hmm?" I groaned, keeping my eyes shut.

"Wake up. You have to go to work." He said softly.

"I don't wanna." I whined as I shifted in bed.

"You have to, sweet pea." He chuckled lowly.

"No." I argued.

"You're awake now anyway, honey." He said, rubbing my arm.

"Fine." I sighed as I finally opened my eyes. I smiled because his beautiful face was the first thing I saw.

Despite knowing I probably had awful morning breath, I kissed him hard on the mouth, but pulled away just as fast.

"Mmm, I love waking up to that." He smiled.

"How long were you watching me sleep?" I asked as I got up off the bed and walked into my bathroom.

"I don't know. Awhile." He answered.

"That's creepy." I laughed.

"It's not creepy. You're supposed to say it's romantic." He replied with a scoff.

"It's so creepy." I giggled as I walked back into the bedroom and started doing my makeup.

He got up and walked over to me before putting his arms around me and resting his head on my shoulder.

"But you're so pretty." He whispered into my ear as he kissed my neck.

"Oh God, please don't get me horny so early in the morning." I pleaded as I put my eyeliner down.

"What if I do?" He asked seductively, still kissing my neck and collarbone.

"Then I'll be sure to leave you with blue balls when you least expect it." I threatened with a smirk.

"Okay, fine." He sighed as he stopped kissing me, but continued to keep his arms around my waist securely. "How was she last night?" He asked, rubbing my belly.

"She wasn't too bad. I slept through the whole night perfectly." I said as I applied mascara.

"That's good. I can't wait until she's born. I want to hold her so badly."

"Me too. But after she's clean and not bloody and icky." I laughed.

"Yeah, that's true." He smiled. "What do you think she's gonna be like? Do you think she'll be girly like you? Will she going to be super smart, or more artsy? Oh, and she's never dating."

"John." I smiled. "You can't stop her from dating."

"I can too. She's my baby and I can do whatever I want." He argued.

"What am I gonna do with you?" I sighed as I pulled away from him and went to my closet. I forgot to buy more maternity clothes, so I picked out a loose sundress and grabbed a cardigan to go with it.

"You should be happy. I'm just protecting her." He chuckled.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, honey. For now let's focus on keeping her healthy and the birth giving part." I smiled as I went to brush my teeth and fix my hair.

When I came back out John was dressed in fresh clothes and had his sunglasses on.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm taking you to work." He answered. "Your car needs an oil change anyway, so I don't want you driving it."

"Oh, I totally forgot. Thanks." I smiled. "I'm going to grab something to eat and then we'll go."

I went into the kitchen with the intention of getting a granola bar, but instead I cut a piece of John's tempting birthday cake and ate it with a glass of milk.

We got in my car and drove to work while talking about mostly Dana, and a few other things.

"Here you are Miss Locklear." He said as he pulled up to the building I worked at. "Do you need me to do anything today?" He asked before I got out.

"Could you schedule the oil change for my car?" I asked.

"I already did. Oh, and I'm taking you out for dinner when I come to pick you up." He smiled.

"Aw, thanks." I grinned. "I'll see you at five. Bye." I said before leaning over and giving him a kiss goodbye.

I walked up the stairs to the office and sat down at my desk and started organizing all the files I had to put away.

"Was that your boyfriend that just dropped you off?" A voice asked, startling me.

I looked up and saw one of the friendly, but slightly obnoxious girls that worked for the paper.

"No-" I started to say. "Actually, it was. He just asked me last night." I grinned.

"Aw, no way!" She squealed. "I'm so jealous."

This made my smile drop considerably.

"You should never be jealous of me, Amanda." I sighed as I went back to sorting papers.

It was true. No girl should ever envy the position I put myself in. I pretty much tore a happy family apart. I'm nothing but a homewrecker.

"Alright Macy Moodswing. What's up?" She asked, holding her chin in the palm of her hand as she rested her elbow on my desk.

"Oh, nothing. But hey, I found out I'm having a girl." I smiled.

"Aw, congratulations! Do you have a name picked out yet?"

"We're thinking Dana Elizabeth, but it might change. I think I'll know when I see her." I explained.

I'd been having a weird feeling ever since John screamed at Josh. Something just felt wrong in the pit of my stomach. I don't know if it was just anxiety or stress, but it felt almost ominous. Like a black cloud had formed over my head, just waiting to pour.

"But anyway, how was your Friday night?" I asked.

She then went on to tell me about what happened when she went out drinking, and I pretended to listen. I caught just enough to know that she had hooked up with Liam, the office cutie. Finally, she returned to her desk after getting a glare from the boss.

I spent most of my day catching up on what I missed yesterday when I left early for my appointment. I even worked through lunch, which was a terrible idea. By the time John came to pick me up I was ready to eat anything.

"Hey, how was your day?" He asked as I got inside the car.

"Fine. I need food now." I ordered. Even before I was pregnant I always got grumpy when I was hungry and now it's even worse.

"Alright. Where do you want to go?" He asked.

"A buffet. I'm starving." I groaned.

"Crazy Buffet?" He asked.

"Yes! That sounds amazing right now." I agreed.

He drove me to the restaurant and I made a mad dash for the food. I filled my plate with anything and everything. It all looked so good.

I sat down just as quickly and started eating just about everything. I barely took time to chew I was so hungry. As soon as I got some food in my stomach, she started kicking.

"Oomph."

"Are you okay?" John asked as he worked on his plate.

"Yeah, the sugar rush made her hyper." I laughed as I rubbed my stomach.

"You know what the doctor said about the voices?" He asked, not making eye contact with me.

"Yeah." I replied.

"Do you really think she'll recognize mine? I've only been around for a little while and I'm leaving in the fall-"

"You're what?" I asked sadly and softly.

"There's a tour in the fall. It's from September to the middle of November." He told me.

"Oh...I- I didn't know that." I said.

"I'm sorry, Palmer." He whispered.

"It's fine." I shrugged.

But deep down I was crushed. I didn't want him to leave and I definitely couldn't go with him because of school and the job I so desperately needed. Plus, I'm sure tour is no place for a pregnant woman.

"I'll visit and call you and skype and we-" He started.

"No, it's really okay John. I'm fine." I told him before shooting up from my seat to get more food.

As I was filling my plate, she started kicking harder and I just wanted to scream. After a long day of work I had to deal with the heat, the fact that I don't know what I'm going to wear tomorrow because nothing fits me anymore, my boyfriend is leaving me for two and a half months, the baby inside me is throwing a fit and she's not even born yet, and I still feel like a guilty whore.

I got back to the table and resumed eating. I was about halfway done with my plate when she started kicking harder than before.

"I want to go. I'll meet you in the car." I said before standing up and walking to John's vehicle at a brisk pace.

Once I got in the passenger seat I let it all out.

I started bawling full on, no holding back. I barely even noticed when he got in the car.

"Palmer! What's wrong? Talk to me." He panicked.

"I d- don't want to ta-alk about it." I sobbed. "I just wanna go h- home."

"Okay, okay." He nodded as he took off towards our place.

I cried the whole ride home and when we got there, I walked directly to the bedroom and slammed the door shut and locked it. Dana was still kicking and I just wanted to scream. During my fit I just kept thinking about everything that was wrong, which made me cry harder.

I should've never told John. Things would be so much easier if I'd distanced myself from him, but no. I had to go and get attached. I had to fall in love.

I turned the ac on full blast and hugged a pillow to my chest, letting everything I'd been keeping in for last four and a half months, out.

As my breakdown came to a stop, the guilt started taking over. John wanted to take me on a real date and I was a royal bitch. He only wants to make me happy, and I'm being a pain in the ass. I'm the Josh to his Palmer.

I slowly unlocked the door and opened it, making John fall backwards onto the floor. He quickly picked himself up and stood before me.

"What's wrong?" He asked sadly. It almost looked like he had been crying too, which made me think of how terrible I must look at the moment.

"I don't know. It's just that she was kicking so hard and the tour thing and I keep thinking about what Josh said and my clothes don't fit me and it's so fucking hot and I then I felt guilty about being so mean to you and I'm so sorry." I rambled.

"Palmer.. Don't worry. Don't worry about tour or Josh or anything. And you weren't mean, you're pregnant. It happens. You're dealing with a lot of shit, so let me help you. I'm always here for you, baby." He told me in a loving and understanding tone as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"You're so sweet to me and I don't deserve you." I frowned.

He tilted my chin up with his index finger and kissed me on the lips.

"I'm the one who doesn't deserve you." He whispered.

"I love you." I blurted out. "Oh my God! I can't believe I just said that!" I exclaimed as I pulled away from his grasp. I turned away from his and pressed my hand to my forehead. "You're going to think I'm even crazier now."

"Palmer." He laughed, pulling me towards him again. "I love you too, sweetheart."

"I know. I heard you say it that one night." I said to him.

"God, I love you so much. I'm sorry if this is moving too fast for you, but you're incredible. You're so caring and you're always worried about other people and you never think of yourself. You're so fucking amazing." He said before giving me a passionate, heated kiss on the lips.

"Remember how I said you got me horny this morning?" I gasped as I pulled away.

He just grinned and laid me on the bed under him.

Awhile later I laid back, panting in bed.

Well, today was an emotional rollercoaster.