I ***ed up Again

Today was Thanksgiving at the O'Callaghan house and I was beyond nervous. I was just about eight months pregnant and huge.

Dana had been doing really well and I couldn't wait for her. We had her room painted pink and set up in an adorable girly theme. I doubt she would be sleeping in there for the first few weeks, as I would probably have her sleep in my room. John would probably be the same way.

John and Josh still hadn't worked out their issues, and I was upset about that. You could feel the tension in the dining room. Thankfully it was only the five of us, but that was bad enough. I had made John promise me that he would be civil to Josh. I didn't want to push him to make up with his brother because I thought that was something they needed to do on their own.

I sat next to John at the dining room table, politely making conversation as Josh ignored us all.

"So when is the due date, again?" Sarah asked.

"December twenty-ninth. I'm pretty excited. We've got the crib set up and most of the other things we need in the nursery. John did a great job putting it all together." I gushed as I ate my mashed potatoes.

"Aw, I bet you're so excited. I remember when I was pregnant with John I couldn't wait until I got to hold him." She smiled.

"Yeah, I'm a little anxious." I admitted.

"Anxious? Why? Is something wrong with her?" She asked.

I was going to reply no, and that I was just nervous about the birth and how things would go, but I was cut off by Josh instead.

"Can we talk about something else? All I ever hear anymore is about Palmer's fucking baby! Who knows if it's even John's. She could have been sleeping around with all sorts of guys-"

"Oh would you shut the fuck up you little pussy!" John shouted as he stood up from his seat. "If I ever hear you talk about my girlfriend like that again, I'll make sure you can't have any kids. How would you like that, you jealous fucking prick?"

"I would love that! I never want to knock some girl up and pretend I like her just because we're having a kid." He retorted. That was a low blow.

Their fighting was bringing tears to my eyes that I had difficulty blinking back.

"I love her, but you wouldn't know what that's like because you're the one who fucking whores around. You're just pissed that she liked me better than she liked you! You're always going to be a fucking baby, Josh. Maybe if you grew up people would like you more." He exclaimed.

"Really? Because-"

"Stop!" I cried, standing up with them. "I'm the one to blame for this, okay? Take it out on me because I'm the one that tore you two apart. If you weren't too blind by your jealousy for one another maybe you'd realize that what you're fighting about is stupid. You're brothers, start acting like it." I spat. I was about to walk away from the table when suddenly it became harder to breathe. I tried sucking in a deep breath, but I couldn't.

I sat down and tried not to panic as I gasped for air.

"Palmer? Palmer, what's wrong?" Sarah asked.

John's dad shot up from his seat and knelt down next to me as Josh and John watched with pale faces.

"Can't- breathe." I managed to choke out right before I felt a splash between my thighs. My eyes went wide, realizing what just happened.

"Oh my God, John her water just broke." I heard Sarah say. I felt a pain in my stomach and gasped for air.

"Call 911 boys!" His dad shouted as he did his best to get me breathing. "Palmer, I need you to relax, okay? Everything's going to be fine, but you need to breathe."

And that was the last thing I heard before everything else turned fuzzy and then went black.

When I woke up I was lying down in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on and an IV in my arm.

"Good, Miss Locklear you're awake." A paramedic smiled. "You've just gone into labor that was induced by a panic attack, but you're going to be okay." She assured me.

I just nodded and closed my eyes, trying to get my mind off the pain.

"Palmer, I'm so sorry." I heard from beside me. I kept my eyes closed, not bothering to look at him. He promised he wouldn't start a fight, and that's exactly what he did.

This is what my feeling was about. I somehow knew that she wasn't okay. She wasn't ready to come out yet.

I arrived at the emergency room and I was taken into a room with John where a doctor examined me.

"Palmer, when's your due date?" She asked.

"December twenty-ninth." I wheezed, still having a hard time taking a deep breath.

"Okay, listen to me. Your baby is breech, do you know what that means?" She asked.

I shook my head, too tired to speak.

"She's standing straight up in your uterus. It'd be too dangerous to do a natural birth like that, so we're going to schedule you a c-section just as soon as we can numb you, alright?" She asked.

I nodded as I blinked away the tears in my eyes. This was not how I wanted to have my baby. Not at all.

"Palmer, I'm sorry." He lamented as soon as we were alone.

"Don't." I ordered forcefully.

We waited in the room silently until the anesthesiologist came to knock me out. I couldn't even look at John. He made me count down from one hundred and I fell asleep by eighty.

"I love you, Palmer." Was the last thing I heard.

---

When I woke up, my hospital room was silent.

"Palmer?" Doctor Webster asked. I didn't like her as much as Doctor Griffin, but Doctor Griffin was away for the holidays.

"Yeah?" I asked, not liking the sad look on her face. She approached my bed slowly and grabbed my hand gently.

"Palmer, your baby was about five weeks early and sometimes the lungs aren't fully developed at this point. She was blue minutes after she was born, so we put her on a respirator and she's doing well, but she's not breathing on her own. She's got what we call RDS, or Respiratory Distress Syndrome which means her lungs aren't mature enough to function. We're not sure of the prognosis yet, but we're doing our best." She explained to me.

I sat there in shock, just staring into space for a few minutes.

"C-can I see her?" I asked.

"You need your rest, but I'll try to see if a nurse can wheel her in for you. Her father is in the waiting room right now. Would you like to see him?" She asked.

"No. Tell him I can't have visitors right now." I said softly.

She nodded and gave me a sympathetic look before walking out of the room. It was then that I broke down crying.

What did my baby do to deserve this? Was God punishing me for my mistake? Would this have happened if I wasn't such a whore? Why did John and Josh have to start fighting?

It felt so odd not being pregnant anymore. I felt like a piece of me was missing and that's when I realized that I wouldn't be able to hold her even when I did finally see her.

That made me think about what John said that one day when I was getting ready for work.

Was John looking at her right now? Did he know that she wasn't okay? Did his family know? Would Josh be happy now?

My tears came to a slow after awhile and I rang for a nurse.

"Hi, can I get you something?" A sweet looking woman asked as she walked in.

"Could I please see my baby?" I begged.

She frowned and bit her lip.

"I'll do my best." She replied.

I felt like such a failure. I couldn't even carry my own baby to term. But all my thoughts left my brain instantly when I saw a little bed being wheeled in.

I gasped when I saw her. She was hooked up to many different machines, but she was beautiful. Her eyes were still closed, but she looked so cute. The nurse wheeled her right next to my bed and placed all her machines next to her.

"She's beautiful." The nurse smiled.

"Thanks." I said as I continued to stare at her.

"Do you have any idea what you'd like to name her?" She asked.

"Peyton. She's a Peyton." I replied with certainty.

"It suits her." She agreed before stepping out of the room.

I looked down at her as she squirmed. I wanted to hold her so badly, but I knew I couldn't. Tears came back again as I thought of what it would be like to leave the hospital without her.

"I love you, sweetheart."

She kicked a little bit at the sound of my voice and I grinned.

"Peyton Elizabeth O'Callaghan, I love you."