I ***ed up Again

Months had passed and John and I grew closer, while it seemed like Josh and I were drifting apart. I had never really met up with John other than the one time at the coffee shop, but we talked a lot during their weekly family dinners. Josh and I had been together for five months and he'd never even told me how he felt about me. Although sometimes he could be sweet and nice, the majority of the time he was insensitive and mean. During Christmas he didn't even buy me a gift.

Now March, spring break was upon us. Josh was planning to stay at my place for the week so we could spend time together which was something we never really did. Depending on how it goes, I might give it up and have sex with him, but if we end up bickering then that's the last thing I'll do. But he had been pretty sweet the past couple weeks which reminded me as to what attracted me in the first place.

I started cooking baked ziti for dinner and waiting for Josh to arrive. I'd never really cooked for him before so I was kind of nervous.

"Hey!" I heard him call as he walked in.

"Hi baby." I smiled as he gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. "What's up?"

"Nothing, just getting ready to go so I figured I'd say bye." He said as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me and kissed my neck.

"Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Say bye? Where might you be going?" I asked, pulling out of his grasp and facing him.

"Vegas with the guys. It's Luke's birthday and a group of us are going up there." He explained. "I thought I told you?"

"No, you didn't. I thought we were going to spend the week together." I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Sorry, I thought I told you." He apologized.

"...Are there going to be girls with you?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah some girls are tagging along." He shrugged.

"Oh."

So it's not a boys thing. And he could have invited me.

"Don't worry, babe. You're my girl." He smiled as he hugged me close. I didn't return the hug, though. Instead, I just stood in his arms with my arms still crossed.

"Whatever." I mumbled as I turned back to the stove.

"They're here, babe. I'll bring you back something." He said before giving me a kiss on the cheek and leaving.

I tried so hard not to ask myself that dreaded question, but I couldn't help it.

What am I doing wrong?

Why doesn't he love me, or even really respect me? If I were sleeping with him would things be better?

The minute the ziti came out of the oven there was a knock at the door. I smiled, thinking Josh changed his mind and walked to the door. Upon opening it, I quickly realized it wasn't Josh.

"John?"

"Yeah, I know this is kind of weird but Josh told me he left Inception here and I wanted to watch it, so..." He trailed off nervously.

"Oh, yeah. Come in while I look for it." I said as I walked into the living room to the look for the case. Once I found it, I walked it over to him, but stopped short. "Hey, he just bailed on me and all of my other friends are out of town so I was wondering if you maybe wanted to watch it here? I've got some fresh baked ziti."

"To be honest, that sounds fucking awesome. I'm bored out of my god damn mind, hence why I had no problem driving across town to pick up a movie." He laughed as he took his boots off. "So, what did the dickhead do this time?" He asked as he followed me into the kitchen for some food.

"We were planning on spending the break together, but he made other plans to go to Vegas with a group of people." I told him bitterly.

"A group? Like with girls?" He asked.

I simply nodded in return.

"Then why didn't he just take you?"

"Exactly." I replied. "Am I doing something wrong? Am I that boring that he can never stand to be around me? What's wrong with me, John?"

"Honestly?" He asked, surprising me.

"Yes, please." I answered, looking up at him.

"You're dating the wrong guy, darlin'." He answered as he picked up a slice of garlic bread.

I leaned back on the counter and thought about what he said. He turned back to me and his expression turned into what was almost a mixture of anger and sympathy.

"Look, I shouldn't have said anything." He apologized.

"No, tell me what you really think." I begged, looking up at him.

"I think that you deserve a guy that wants to be with you all the time, not just when it's convenient. You should be with something who's thinking about you all the time and not just when he's with you. You should be with a guy who'd kill to be with you and not treat you like you mean nothing, because Palmer, you're really something special." He told me.

"That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me, John."

"Josh has never told you anything like that before?" He asked.

"No." I answered.

"Palmer, you've got to get out. He doesn't treat you right, and there are so many other guys that would jump at the chance to be with you, and they'd appreciate a lot more than he would." He said.

"Like who, John?" I replied. "This isn't a fairytale, there's no white knight that's going to come in and sweep me off my feet. If I'm decently happy with Josh and-"

"You're not happy with him." He stated.

"Alright, fine, but no other guys have shown interest in me since we started going out, I just- let's drop it." I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Palmer but you'd be better off alone than with him. What he's doing to you is, it's bullshit. He's making you feel bad about yourself and eventually you'll be so low that you'll never leave him-"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." I mumbled as I took my plate into the living room.

"Palmer, I'm sorry but I care." He cried out in a strained voice, following me into the room.

"I just don't want to talk about it, okay? Let's just watch the movie." I sighed.

"Fine, okay. But I'm sorry, I really am."

"I know, but let's just...not." I said.

He nodded and sat down next to me in the couch.

Halfway through the movie I laid my head down on his shoulder and started to get tired, probably from being so relaxed.

Eventually I closed my eyes and started to fall asleep. I wasn't quite asleep when the movie ended, but I was too tired to speak or open my eyes. After the credits stopped I felt John stand up and lay me down on the couch. Then I heard him looking around my place for something right before he placed a blanket on me. I was a little out of it, but I thought I heard him say,

"I would love you more."