I ***ed up Again

"Palmer, what are you talking about? Why are you crying?" My sister asked through the telephone.

"Cassie, I'm pregnant." I bawled as I sank down to sit on the bathroom floor.

"Oh my God...are you going to...?" She asked.

"No! I can't, I just- I can't do that." I sniffled.

"Have you told Josh?" She asked.

"Cassie?" I whispered as if someone would hear me, although I was alone.

"What?" She asked, expecting the worst.

"It's not his.." I told her.

"What!? Whose is it? How are you sure?" She exclaimed.

"It's...it's...his brother's. I've never had sex with Josh." I answered shamefully.

"You mean John? You had sex with Josh's brother John? Palmer that's fucked up!" She cried.

"I know! I shouldn't have done it and I feel awful. Everybody is going to hate me, Cass. His whole family will hate me and the baby." I sobbed as I rested a hand on my stomach.

"No, Palmer.." She sighed. "They won't hate you. John played just as big a part in this as you did. And they certainly won't hate the baby. Locklear babies are always adorable."

"Yes they will, Cass! It was my fault, I just know it." I cried.

"They will not hate you. They'll be disappointed in you and John but they won't hate you. You need to focus on the future now. You need to tell Josh, and buy some vitamins, and schedule appointments because you have a baby to think about and the sooner you get all the stress out of your system the healthier the baby is going to be." She lectured.

"Cassie, I don't know how to tell him." I sniffled, taking a look down at my stomach.

"How far are you?" She asked.

"Um..." I thought. "It happened March 29th, so I'm about...three months."

"You're gonna start showing soon. How did he not notice the morning sickness or anything?" She asked.

"I haven't vomited. I just get really nauseous if I eat." I told her.

"You haven't thrown up since you were a fucking baby, you lucky bitch." She joked.

"Yeah." I sighed, not in the mood to laugh.

"Palmer, it's going to be okay. If worse comes to worst, then you can move up here and I'll help you with the baby." She offered. Although she suggested it, I didn't know how serious she actually was about the offer, as she wasn't the type to follow through with things.

"Thank you." I said, calming down significantly.

"You're welcome. Look, just call if you need me, okay?" She asked.

"I will." I replied.

"I love you Palmer." She told me.

"I love you too. Bye."

"Bye."

I put my phone down and looked at my belly. What was once relatively flat was starting to form a little bump that made me choke up again.

I pushed myself up from the floor and walked into the kitchen to find something to eat. Lately I had really been craving anything with gravy on it, so I re-heated some of the home made mashed potatoes and gravy from the other night.

I pulled out my phone and searched my contacts for a second before pressing the send button.

"Hello, Doctor Griffin's office." The nurse answered nicely.

"Hi, um, I don't know if you remember me, my name is Palmer Locklear." I told her.

"Oh, yes. How are you?" She asked.

"I'm fine, thanks. I need to schedule an appointment, please." I said nervously as the microwave beeped.

"Alright, what for?" She asked.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." I answered before biting my lip.

"Oh, congratulations! How far along do you think you are?" She asked.

"Around three months." I replied.

"Oh, dear. Does tomorrow at ten work for you?"

"Yes, that sounds fine."

"Alright, doctor Griffin will see you tomorrow at ten, then."

"Thank you." I sighed.

"You're welcome. Have a great evening."

I hung up and groaned. I'd have to get over the embarrassment somehow and just face the fact that I made a huge mistake.

I grabbed my bowl of mashed potatoes and poured gravy and pepper on them before scarfing them down at a dangerous pace.

Once I was done, I took a seat on the couch and waited for Josh to walk in around seven like he usually did on Tuesday nights.

I couldn't sit still and I couldn't focus on anything. All I could think about was Josh. What was he going to say? Would he be more angry with me or with John? Would he even believe me?

I got up and paced while thinking of all the things I had to do to keep me busy until I heard a knock on the door.

"Hey.." I smiled as I opened the door.

"Hey baby." Josh smiled back as he gave me a kiss.

"We need to talk." I said as I went to take a seat on the couch.

"Okay..." He nodded, confused.

I sighed and buried my head in my hands.

How could I tell him? He was getting better all the time. He was really trying to be a good boyfriend I went and did this to him?

"I have to tell you something."
"Okay, baby. What's up?" He asked, thinking it wasn't important.

"I...I cheated on you." I blurted out finally.

"What do you mean by cheating?" He asked, strangely calm.

"I slept with someone else." I answered as tears started to well up in my eyes.

"You fucked another guy? Are you shitting me Palmer?" He screamed as he stood up.

"No, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. If I could take it back I would, believe me, but there's more-"

"No, fuck you. You're a fucking slut. How many times did you do it, huh? I may have not been the best boyfriend, but I never cheated on you. You haven't put out for ten fucking months, Palmer and then you go and fuck some random guy at first glance? Fuck you. I don't need you. You're just a pretty face and I thought you were a nice girl, but fuck that." He spat as he stomped over to the door.

"I have to tell you more." I choked out, begging him not to go.

"I don't want to hear it." He said darkly. "I don't want to ever fucking see you again. I hate you, Palmer. Go fuck yourself."

"I deserved that." I muttered, looking down.

"Fucking right, you whore." He snapped before slamming the door so hard that I winced.

"I deserved that too." I told myself as I watched him walk away and get into his car before peeling out of the parking lot.

Josh wasn't much, but at least he was something.

Now I could never get with John. We hadn't spoken since the wedding and I planned to keep it that way.

I can't ruin another persons' life.

"I'm sorry for bringing you into the middle of all this hate, sweetheart." I whispered to my stomach.

Although I never meant for it to happen, I already loved the growing person in my stomach more than I'd ever loved anything in the whole world.

---

"Palmer? Doctor Griffin will see you now." The nurse smiled as she came out of the exam room.

I got up and walked in with her and she smiled. "Alright, could you step on the scale quickly?" She asked.

I nodded and stepped on as she read the digital number and wrote it down on her clipboard.

"Okay, one twenty. And you're how tall?" She asked.

"Five-one." I answered.

"You're a tiny little thing." She mused even though she could clearly see me. "Okay, she'll be in in just a second."

"Thank you." I said as I took a seat on the bed. I looked around and my eyes landed on the pregnancy chart that showed a picture of the baby at each month and stage of development. I looked to see where my baby was on the chart and started to get emotional as I read.

By the end of the third month, your baby is fully formed. Your baby has arms, hands, fingers, feet and toes and can open and close its fists and mouth. Fingernails and toenails are beginning to develop and the external ears are formed. The beginnings of teeth are forming. Your baby's reproductive organs also develop, but the baby's gender is difficult to distinguish on ultrasound.

I looked at the picture and smiled as the tears welled up in my eyes. My baby was already a baby.

"Alright, Miss Palmer, I hear that you might be expecting." I heard the doctor say as she entered the room.

She caught sight of me looking at the poster and her expression softened.

"Yeah, I'm pretty positive I'm pregnant." I admitted as I looked to the ground.

"Hey, don't be ashamed. It happens." She smiled. "Have you had a regular period for the last three months?" She asked.

"No." I answered.

"Okay, and I assume you took an at-home test?" She asked.

"Yes." I nodded.

She got up and asked me to lie down as she started feeling my stomach. When she was done she walked over to her desk and started typing something into the computer.

"Can you spread you legs apart and pull your shirt up so I can do an ultra sound?" She asked as she walked over with a bottle of gel.

I did as I was told and soon she was rubbing the roller over my pelvis which caused me to giggle a little since I was ticklish.

"Palmer, you didn't know you were pregnant for three months?" She asked with a light tone.

"No." I answered, shaking my head, but not worried since she had a smile on her face.

"You have a very healthy looking baby in there. Congratulations!" She said as she showed me the screen. I didn't get too excited because I could hardly see the blurry picture.

"Really?" I asked. "I just started taking my vitamins today."

"Well, your body takes what it needs from your reserves so you must have some nutrition stored in you." She laughed. "Oh, I almost forgot." She said as she turned a knob on the machine. What started off as a faint sound turned into an audible thumping.

"Is that the heartbeat?" I asked in awe.

"It sure is." She grinned.

I broke out into the biggest grin I'd ever had and looked up at her.

"That's incredible!" I squealed.

"I know it is. Your baby is doing extremely well. Keep up the good work." She smiled.

"I will! Oh, that's such good news." I gushed as she wiped the goo off my stomach and pulled my shirt down.

"Do you have any questions or worries right now that you want to talk about?" She asked, getting serious again.

"If the baby is going to be born around December or January, could I still go to school for the first semester?" I asked.

"As long as you can manage everything then absolutely." She nodded.

"And is it okay that I'm living alone?" I asked her.

"It's not ideal, but if that's what you have to do then just work out some arrangements with a friend so that somebody will know if something is wrong." She told me.

"When will I know the sex?" I asked with a big smile.

"Probably around sixteen or seventeen weeks." She answered with a smile.

"Wow, in a month? Thank you so much doctor Griffin." I grinned, feeling so energized and excited.

"You're very welcome, Palmer. Schedule another appointment with Jackie on your way out." She instructed me.

I nodded and thanked her again before walking out to the front desk to schedule another check-up.

I was glowing as I strolled to my car and got inside.

"I'm so happy you're healthy, sweetheart."