I ***ed up Again

At four months along I had successfully avoided all of the O'Callaghans. I was working part time as a secretary for a newspaper, hoping it would give me some good insight on how it ran, and maybe even a chance to get my foot in the door.

I had taken the day off though for my check up and just to relax and catch up on my sleep. I was starting to show noticeably especially when I wore tight shirts. I kind of liked it though. I was excited for my little sweetheart.

I stepped outside and got into my car before going to McDonald's. Doctor's appointments were the perfect excuse to pig out a little bit. I ordered a mcgriddle with two hash browns and a diet coke. I drove to the nearby Target parking lot and ate while I waited for ten o'clock to arrive.

I finished my food rather fast and turned on my car so that I could listen to my new copy of Codes and Keys. I leaned back in my seat and rested my hands on my stomach while just relaxing and letting Ben Gibbard's voice flood my ears. Things had been pretty good the past month. I didn't realize how good it would feel not having to worry about Josh. John was right, being alone was a lot better than being with him.

I thought about John a lot. I wanted to tell him, I really did, but part of me didn't. Raising a kid wasn't easy and cute like tv portrayed it. It was hard and messy and frustrating with an occasional cute moment here and there. I had taken home that robot baby in high school and I barely got through the next day. I mean, I knew that John would find out someday, but hopefully by then he would either be married and not want to deal with it or he'd be so mad at me for keeping it a secret that he wouldn't speak to me.

Truthfully, I was most afraid of him finding out and wanting to marry me. I'd rather never be with him, then be with him and get my heart broken just like what had happened to my mom. And I didn't want to put my child through having to stay a week with each parent and not having a constant family to spend holidays with.

I really just wanted to be a good mom. I've already made enough poor decisions in my life, so now I have to start making up for them.

Suddenly, my car stereo went off and I sat up in a panic. I turned the key, but it was no use, my battery was dead.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I cried as I hit the steering wheel.

I rested my forehead against the wheel as I thought about what to do.

"Palmer?" I heard a voice ask from outside my car.

My worst nightmare.

I slowly lifted my head up and looked into those gorgeous eyes that I hadn't seen in four months.

I smiled and opened the door.

"Hey." I said, putting on a happy face and wrapping my arms around my stomach to hide my bump. I thanked God that I chose to wear a baggy sweater today. Maybe he wouldn't notice.

"Hey, I haven't heard from you since the wedding." He said nervously as he looked to his feet. Why was he nervous?

"Yeah, I know. Uh, sorry." I frowned.

"Don't be sorry. You broke up with Josh." He smiled half-heartedly.

"Did he tell everybody?" I asked, putting my head down in shame.

"Yeah. But he still doesn't know..."

"Yeah, I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen." I explained. "So I take it you didn't tell him?"

"No. No way. But he's better off living the single life anyway, you know?" He asked.

"Yeah, I know." I nodded. "So what have you been up to?"

"Band stuff. The usual... I've been thinking a lot about-"

"Oh, John, I'm really sorry I have a doctor's appointment in ten minutes. Would you mind jumping my car?" I asked hopefully.

"Oh, yeah, no problem." He nodded.

I thanked him and he walked off to get his car.

I had purposely cut him off at that spot. I knew he was going to ask me to coffee or something and even if he didn't notice my stomach that time, he would want to meet up with me again and eventually I would have to ignore him. Then he'd get worried as to why I wouldn't reply and he'd find out, which I didn't want to happen.

I waited until he pulled up next to me and popped his hood. He got out some jumper cables and attached them to his car.

"Hey, can you pop the hood?" He called.

"Sure." I replied as I pulled the latch under my seat.

"Wait, could you come out here and open it. I can't find the latch under the hood." He said as he attempted to pull the piece of metal up.

"Um..sure." I nodded nervously as I pulled my sweater out, making it look even more baggy in hopes to hide my belly. I stood up and walked over to the car and popped the hood.

"Thanks." He smiled as his eyes scanned my body.

"No problem." I replied as I got back in the car.

I sat there waiting until he told me to start the car and sighed with relief as it started up.

"Thank you so much, John. You're a lifesaver." I smiled.

"You're welcome. So, to repay me for being your knight in shining armor, would you like to get some coffee with me after your appointment?" He asked.

My appointment. I was finding out the sex of the baby. I could almost see John standing next to me and holding my hand while we found out what we were having. God, it's his baby too. How could I be so selfish?

"Um, I don't know-"

"Please, just one coffee date, Palmer. I want us to straighten things out." He pleaded.

"Okay." I sighed. "How about Denny's at 11:30?" I asked.

"Didn't you just eat?" He chuckled, nodding to the wrappers in my car.

"Well, yeah but-"

"I'm kidding, sweetheart."

I felt a flutter in my stomach as he said that word. I don't think it was the baby, because I wasn't supposed to be able to feel him or her yet, but who knows.

"I'll be there." He smiled. "Oh, but are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, never better. Why?" I smiled.

"So it's just a check up, then?" He asked.

"Oh, um, yeah." I nodded nervously. "It's just uh, you know..check up."

"Alright." He smiled with a confused grin. "See you soon."

"Yeah." I nodded before driving off.

---

"Baby Locklear is looking good, Palmer." Doctor Griffin smiled as she rolled the device over my stomach. "Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale." She noticed.

"I just ran into a guy I used to know right before I came here." I explained.

"Oh, I see." She smiled.

"Can you tell the sex?" I asked eagerly.

"Well, your baby isn't positioned the right way so really it could be either." She shrugged. "I'm sorry, but in a month when the little one starts moving more we should be able to tell."

"It's alright. I'll find out soon enough." I sighed as I pulled my shirt down and sat up. "I have a question." I blurted out.

"Okay, what's up?" She asked as she shut off the machine.

"I..do you think that it would be better to give a baby a stable life with one parent or a less stable life with two?" I asked sheepishly.

"It's really not my place to say, but if it were me, I'd do everything I could to give my baby better than what I had." She told me as she slipped her gloves off. "Is that it?"

"Yeah..I think so." I sighed.

"I think you'll make a wonderful mother, Palmer." She smiled.

"Thanks Doctor."

---

Unfortunately John had arrived before me so I risked another chance of him seeing my stomach. I walked into the restaurant and sat down across from him in the booth, seeing that he had already ordered me a cup of coffee.

"Hey, so how did it go?" He asked cheerfully.

Oh God, I'm such a bitch for lying to him.

"Well." I nodded. "How has your family been?" I asked, actually interested.

"They're good, they're all pretty good." He nodded as he took a sip of his coffee.

"That's good." I returned.

There was a short pause before he answered the question that was really on my mind.

"They don't hate you, Palmer."

"They're probably just being nice because they'll never see me again." I said.

"No, come on, everybody fucks up. You're perfect, you were due for a fuck up. Hell, I slept with my brother's girlfriend. How do you think I feel?" He asked.

Not as bad as I do...

"I'm really sorry about that, I-"

"Palmer, it wasn't your fault. You were drunk and upset and I should have stopped it. I took advantage of you and I feel horrible." He sighed as he looked down at his cup.

"No you didn't. I wanted it and you were drunk too." I argued.

"I wasn't drunk. I had a glass of champagne and a beer." He admitted.

"That doesn't mean I didn't want it." I replied.

"Okay, let's just admit that we were both stupid, deal?" He chuckled.

"Deal." I nodded.

"And I'm so sorry if I hurt you by not calling or anything. I just figured you wouldn't want to speak to me and since you were still with Josh, I-"

"It's fine, really. What's done is done, so let's move on." I told him.

"Sounds good." He nodded. "Why aren't you drinking your coffee?" He asked.

"Um, is it decaf?" I asked since I wasn't supposed to have much caffeine.

"No, it's regular, sorry. I thought you drank regular."

"Oh, well I used to but I don't anymore. Well, I do, but just not today." I rambled, not making sense.

"Are you okay? You're acting a little jumpy?" He laughed as he sipped his coffee again.

I'm fine, just trying to hide the fact that your child is growing inside of me.

"No, I'm alright." I replied.

The waitress came over shortly after and took our orders. John got a grand slam and I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, since I'd already had breakfast.

We both finished our meals pretty quickly and continued talking while I got dessert. John paid the bill but kept talking to me as if he just didn't want me to go.

"Palmer, I'm not going to lie to you, I really like you. I thought I'd never get a chance with you, but I figured I'd try. You're smart and funny and deep and there's just a glow about you that I can't get over. So do you maybe want to get a drink tonight or something?" He asked.

My eyes went wide and I shot up out of my seat.

"I knew this was a bad idea." I mumbled to myself as I grabbed my purse and started leaving the restaurant.

"Palmer, wait! What are you talking about?" He cried as he chased me down in the parking lot. I stood next to my car trying to unlock it as he caught up to me.

"Please. I really like you, just give me a chance. I'm begging-"

He stopped talking and his eyes went wide. I didn't notice that a gust of wind blew my shirt back so that it clung to the front of my body, exposing every curve.

"Please tell me that's not...no! No! No way!" He exclaimed.

"I didn't want to tell you." I said meekly.

"Oh shit." He panted as he started breathing heavily.

"John, are you okay?" I asked, panicking a little bit.

He just kept gasping for air as he crouched to put his hands on his knees.

"Palmer...asthma.." He gasped.

"Oh my God you're having an asthma attack? Get in the car I'll drive you to the emergency room." I said as I helped him into the passenger seat and sped away towards the emergency room.

I kept glancing at him as he tried to get his breathing under control. I pulled up into the emergency lane and helped him out. I walked up to the front desk receptionist quickly and told her what was happening.

"He's having an asthma attack, he can't breathe!" I exclaimed as he was still desperately trying to breathe.

The nurse quickly walked back through a door and hurried in with an inhaler which I shook up and pressed to John's lips. He sucked in the medication and eventually started breathing easier, but they still admitted him.

I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half knowing that my peaceful day was going to be anything but peaceful now. The look on John's face made my stomach churn with guilt. It was like I had told him that I was secretly a terrorist or something.

I should've known it was just a matter of time until I ran into him. Thank God I wasn't any further along than this or he might have had a heart attack.

"Palmer Locklear?" A nurse called.

"Yes?" I asked as I stood up and walked over to her.

"John would like to see you." She told me as she led the way to his room.

I peered in and saw him lying back on the bed with a small oxygen mask in his jeans and t shirt.

"Hey." He said as he pulled off the mask and set it down in his lap.

"Hi." I replied with a guilty smile. "You look a lot better."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, quite obviously upset.

"I...I didn't want to ruin your life." I answered shamefully.

"It's my baby too, Palmer. It's not just yours. Didn't you think I'd want to know?" He asked as his tone changed from angry to hurt.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"You should be." He said. "I can't believe you thought I was such a dick that I wouldn't want to know."

"I didn't think that! It was the opposite! I didn't want you to do something crazy and try to marry me just because we're having a baby. I knew that if you knew about it you would do the right thing and I was scared." I explained as I took a seat on the bed with him.

"But I just told you I wanted to date you before I knew. Have you thought about that at all?" He asked, looking down at his hands.

"Yes, but I'm still scared." I replied.

"Just take a risk." He pleaded.

"I don't know."

"Come on, Palmer. Please?" He begged.

"I'll think about it." I told him.

"Fine." He sighed. "But will you at least tell me how the little one is doing?" He asked as he reached out and touched my stomach.

"Our little sweetheart is doing great. If you put your ear on the right spot you can hear the heartbeat." I told him with a small smile. I felt bad since he'd missed hearing it on the ultra sound.

"Really?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Can I?" He said as he motioned to my stomach.

"Sure." I smiled as he got down and put his ear right on my belly.

He moved around for a second and then gasped, which I'm guessing means he heard it.

"Holy shit..." He whispered as he kept listening. "That's my kid..."