I Can't Believe, I'm Actually Meant to Be Here!

I slammed the bus door open, and the guys were either standing or sitting around, nervous. I slammed it back shut and looked at Derek. "Where is she?"

"She came back on the bus for a few, then said she was staying the night at a hotel." I looked around, and saw that Jacky wasn't here. "Where the fuck is Jacky?" I growled. Derek looked around the bus nervously, and looked to the other guys. "Did he fucking go with her?!"

"Yeah." Ryan sighed. I groaned and stomped to the bunk area, tearing up all of my shit in a fit.

"Ronnie, calm down-"

"I'm not gonna fucking calm down Derek!" I snapped, turning to him. He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. "He's probably fucking her right now! And that's probably what she WANTS!"

"Ro-"

"Of course she doesn't want ME! I'm just always gonna be her friend and her "big brother"! No, she doesn't want a guy that loves her to death, and would do anything for her, and would never hurt her, and would treat her right, because of the fact she's been FRIENDS with him for 12 FUCKING YEARS! Why the FUCK would she want that?! She wants to have a man whore as her boyfriend!"

Derek snickered a little at the last part. I flopped down in my bunk and kicked the wall, along with the blankets. "This is bullshit, Der. Bullshit."

"This is a lot for her to take in though, dude. Her best friend and "brother" just told her he's in love with her. She probably never saw that coming, ever."

"Well we've only known each other for-freakin'-ever, it was bound to happen sooner or later." I muttered. He smiled and sat down in his own bunk. "You two will have to talk about it tomorrow."

"Oh we'll most definitely be talking about it tomorrow, you can count on that."

$$$

***Next day***

Mika nudged me, snapping me out of my trance from playing a game on my iphone. I looked up and saw the door open, Jacky walking in with Scar slowly trailing behind him. I stared at Jacky, and he smiled a little at me, nodding his head towards the bunks. I got up and stalked back there, waiting for him.

"So?" I asked, completely monotone.

"The guys were texting me about how upset you were last night, and I want you to know that nothing happened." I stared at him as he bit his lip. "Well...we made out. But we didn't have sex. I wasn't going to take advantage of her like that." I nodded and smiled barely. "Alright. What'd she say to you...about me telling her...?" He sighed.

"She can't believe it. She said it completely threw her off." I sighed and nodded. "You two need to talk, soon." I nodded again and we did a quick hug before heading back out. I noticed Scar standing outside, smoking, so I took this as my cue.

She glanced over and quickly looked away. "What, now you're joining the smoking club, too?" I teased a little, trying to cut some of the tension. She shrugged, not looking at me. Yep, didn't work.

"Well can I have one?" She got her pack out of her sweatpants pocket and pulled one out, handing it and the lighter to me. I lit it and inhaled as much as I could, trying to calm my nerves.

"So you're just not gonna talk me." I stated, more than asked. She looked down at the ground and flicked her ash, not saying anything.

"You're gonna ruin our friendship over this?" I stared at her. "12 years, down the drain, because I told you loved you more than a friend?" Again, not a word came out of her mouth.

"Wow. 12 years, done, just like that...should I start calling you Max, then?" Her head snapped over and she shoved me with everything in her, effectively making me stumble back.

"Don't even fucking go there." She spat.

"Got you to talk." I shrugged, taking another drag.

"That was a pretty shitty way to get me to talk." I frowned when I noticed she sounded like she was about to cry.

"I'm sorry," I tried to put my hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and stepped away from me. "I shouldn't have said that."

"You can't just fucking bring that up, Ronnie. Especially like that." Now she was crying. Way to go, Radke, you made a girl cry! You get a bozo button for your accomplishment! Feel proud!

"I know, that was stupid, I'm sorry." I tried to hug her, but she pushed me away. "Scar, come on!"

"I shouldn't have chose you! I should've stayed on his side!" She yelled, getting in my face, making people start to stare. I gulped. "Maybe he wouldn't fucking HATE me then! Maybe life would've been better for me! Maybe I wouldn't have to deal with hearing him say how much he hates me, and wants me to die in my head every single fucking NIGHT, if I'd stayed on his side!" She stormed into the bus and I ran after her, nearly killing myself trying to get up the steps of the bus.

"Scarlet, I'm sorry!"

"FUCK YOU!" The guys all stood around, looking confused and slightly scared. "YOU RUINED THE ONLY THING I HAD! THE ONLY FUCKING FAMILY I CONSIDERED! YOU RUINED IT!"

"Scarlet, I didn't ruin SHIT! YOU chose, NOT me!" I defended myself.

"BECAUSE YOU FUCKING MADE ME CHOOSE YOU OVER HIM!!!" She screamed. She shoved me into the wall, the guys trying to intervene and hold her back.

"SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO LOSE YOU, SCARLET!" I screamed back as Derek held my arms.

"YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP! EVERYTHING! Maybe if I'd listened to him and not YOU, I wouldn't have fucking WASTED 2 and a half years of my life waiting for your ass because you were in PRISON! I could've been touring with them, I could've been living my life! Instead, I moped around for a whole fucking YEAR, BECAUSE YOU WERE IN PRISON AND HE FUCKING HATED MY GUTS NOW!"

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING LOSE YOU!" My voice was hoarse and sore from all the screaming, and I'm sure everyone's ears hurt like a bitch right now, too.

"That's exactly right! Because you were SELFISH!" I tried to wiggle myself out of Mika and Derek's grip, but I couldn't. "I WASN'T SELFISH!"

"YOU MADE ME GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU! I GAVE UP MY FAMILY! I GAVE UP MY FRIENDS! I GAVE UP MY LIFE! I GAVE UP MY RESPECT FOR MYSELF, BECAUSE I HAD TO FUCKING BECOME A STRIPPER TO SUPPORT YOU!!!" I'd never heard her scream this loud before, and to be honest, I never knew she could scream that loud.

"How the hell was this even brought up?!" Derek exclaimed.

"Because I asked her if she was just going to throw 12 years of friendship away, and when she didn't answer, I asked if I should call her Max..." The guys all got quiet, and Scar thrashed against Ryan and Jacky. "And I'm sorry! That was fucking stupid of me to say, Scar!"

"I don't want your apology! I don't want anything from you anymore!" Jacky tried to calm her down, but it looked like it was failing.

"You're overreacting, Scar." I sighed. She was about to scream again, but Ryan clamped his hand over her mouth. "Alright, come on." The two sighed and dragged her back to the bunk area, shutting the door behind them. Mika and Derek finally let go of me, and I rubbed my arms.

"Soooooooooo..." Mika laughed awkwardly. I sat down on the couch and put my face in my hands. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but...I was crying.

"It'll be alright, dude." I heard Derek say this, and then sit down and pat me on the back.

"I can't lose her, dude...I-I can't...!" I whined into my hands.

"You're not gonna lose her, Ronnie." He sighed. I looked up at him and he frowned. "Yeah, well by the sounds of it, it seems like I'm going to!"

"She won't leave. We won't let her." I leaned back into the couch and rubbed at my eyes, smearing black eyeliner all over. "She just needs to calm down for a bit, that's all..."

I can't lose her.