Confessions from a locked mind.

Sixth grade or so, the entire distric had a field trip to those who "earned" it, even though it was basically some pre-Honor Roll kind of thing caleld "GATE" or something like that. The events that I depict here may seem as fake to those who read them, and quite honestly, I'm not sure which they are myself, I simply tell myself that what happened this night is real, because of how much it affected me, and the feelings I get when I think of it. I've never told anyone, until the other night in which I stayed up all night with my friend Parker, and I ended up rambling on and it came out. Well, here goes.

The field trip I mentioned before, was to a place called "Catalina Island", I don't know where it is, honestly, never paid much attention to it that much. This is where everything gets.... fuzzy for me as far as if it's real or fake. I can't remember if we stayed the night, or if we left that day. The day went nice, I was in a group with my friends, I didn't have much money, so I couldn't get any souvenirs, so we just went around playing minigolf and such, goofing around, nearly vomitting when we tried the "Harry Potter" jelly beans, a taste I still regret. As soon as the sun went down though, I remember going to sleep. I remember waking up at a moment which I can't exaclty describe, because it wasn't like I was woken up by a nightmare, with my body twitching suddenly, nor was it like when I wake up "naturally" where I am able to shoot up, even if I'm dead tired. No, this was like.... someone woke me up. Now understand this a bit more, I've always been a "night owl", or insonmiac, so being awake at this time wasn't exactly weird, unless I had a full day, like I just had. I was woken up by something, or more of, a lack of something. I always slept with a window open, or near somewhere I could feel or even just hear the wind, it soothed me. I woke up this night, because I didn't hear anything. No gentle breeze, no gusts, not even as much as the rustling of trees outside. To me, this was a sort of calling, because it reminded me of so much, so I snuck out, being so cautious I'm surprised I didn't get caught, because I overlooked so much. Because we were on the island, we stayed close to the ferry, and I went down to the shore, dressed in my pajama shorts and tank top, and just sat in the sand, staring out at the ocean, lake or whatever, staring at the moon. As soon as I was going to go back inside, the wind picked up, it was strong, as if it were pushing me, yet not trying to make me move, it felt it was.... wrapping around me. I had experienced in dreams, almost exactly the same, but none give me the feelings like this.... memory. The events were exactly the same, except the castle was replaced with the island and the sand, and my sword was.... well, a book I had. As the wind was wrapping around me, I heard a voice, something that I'd heard in dreams nonstop, that seemed to lead me somewhere, it always said the same things, "I'm here", "I'm waiting for you", "Keep fighting", I heard these as the wind was now getting stronger. Almost as if it were instinct, I found myself standing, and walking towards the ocean, until I found myself waist deep in this freezing water, waves crashing into me. One hit me harder though, and actually sent me under a bit, and as I rose up, I realized my feet weren't touching the shore, and I wanted to cry out, but the water was filling my mouth, so I tried to focus. Next thing I knew, I woke up on the shore, soaked to the bone, gasping for air, and the wind started to die down again, but as it did, I heard one last thing. This has always stuck with me, because the words sounded like they were right next to me, rather than far away. It said, "Keep listening to the wind, and one day, you will find me".

Fast forward twelve years or so, I'm two years out of high school, not in college, and I believe I've found that voice. I found the owner of the voice, but shes so far from me, I can't reach her, and I believe I've ruined any chance at meeting her, because she won't speak to me, or even acknowledge me if I try. I wouldn't say that I believe shes the one if I didn't have my reasoning. None of you who read this know her, most likely, but my reasoning, is that she believes in the wind, shes based a theory off of it, and the Compass Rose. She told me she often spoke to the wind, even gave it a name. She told me one day to listen to the wind, when I was feeling weird, and that only made me feel weirder. I found out I was drawn to her, as I was to the ocean that night, and later, i found out I love her. I never told her this memory, because I didn't want to make her think anything, because I feel anyone who had someone tell them this wouldn't take it as anything more than just something stupid. I told her I felt right with her, and when I heard her voice, I realized her voice was the same voice from Catalina, her voice is the voice of all those dreams. She is..... I can't believe I've forgotten the name, I know theres something in mythology I can relate her to, but I've forgotten it. All I can think of is that she's my..... mixture of a Siren and a Muse, and I only wish she could see this, even though I know she won't care. Its kind of funny, yet sad though, because even now, I have those dreams, and the voice hasn't changed, and it has only added one more verse to it's song, three words I try not to tell anyone, but I had to tell them to her. The words that keep echoing in my dream as I'm running, are simple, and they mean everything to me. Those words are, "I love you".