Status: Fin :)
My Superman
I Love You, You Were Ready
Sunday , January 23rd, 2011 are the words printed on the front of the obituary in my hands. A coffin sits before me. Black suits, black dresses, blackness surrounds me. It's ironic that the color we wear to see a person last, is the darkest most depressing color of them all. If people go to funerals to celebrate the person's life one last time then why is it custom to wear the saddest color of them all? My body is numb as I remember the reason I'm sitting in this church. The love of my life, my everything, lays in that coffin. I wipe away the fresh tears, I can't break down right now, I need to stay strong. I read down the obituary,The Loving Memory Of Jeremy Radke
July 11th, 2009 Colorado
Me, Jeremy, and our friends Augie, Bert, and Carly just finished river rafting the Arkansas River in Colorado. Jeremy's bragging to Mark that we beat him and his crew down the river. "Babe stop being a showoff." I tease. "It's hard to do when you're the best!" he says cockily. I just roll my eyes at him. "He's the new superman. Paragliding, skydiving, and hot air ballooning all in a week and a half!" Augie exclaims. "Yeah man, what won't you do?" Mark asks. "Nothing." Jeremy says and cuddles me in his arms. "My own superman." I say and Jeremy kisses me.
Never feared for anything, never shamed but never free
January 23rd, 2011
The priest makes his way up to his podium. He fixes his robes and then turns to the church. He clears his throat and starts, "Bereaved friends, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of Jeremiah Antioco Radke..." As soon as I hear Jeremy's name my eyes close and the memories come back.
March 17th, 2010
"Jeremy babe, what's wrong?" I ask but he ignores me. I walk into the room more and get on my knees in front of him. Tears are streaming down his face. "Remy, why are you crying?" I ask but he looks away from my eyes. He looks so delicate, so broken. I look around the room only to find that everything is destroyed. There's glass everywhere, books ripped open, and furniture turn and flipped. I notice the blood on his hands and it brings tears to my eyes.
"Let's get you cleaned up." I tell him, my voice cracking slightly. He follows me to the kitchen and I grab the first aid kit. He gives me his hand and I inspect it for shards of glass. Thankfully I don't see any and I place his hands under the cold faucet water. "Ssss!" he bites his lip from the stinging. "I know hun, it's gonna hurt." I try to comfort him. I clean around the cuts with soap and then attempt to clean the cuts with peroxide. Jeremy pulls his hands away when he sees the brown bottle. "Jeremy you did this and I need to get you better." I try to reason with him but he shakes his head.
At this point I'm getting frustrated with him more and more by the second as he refuses. "Fine! If you wanna act like a five year old boy then I'll treat you like one. Clean up the mess you made and don't even think about complaining about the pain." I yell at him and walk away. I only get to the stairs when I hear a piercing scream. I run back into the kitchen to see what happened. I see Jeremy applying the peroxide himself. I take the bottle,"I got it Remy just try not to fight me alright?" I ask him and he nods. I clean him up and wrap his hands in adhesive bandages.
"Lily." he whispers jumping off the counter and I nod. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he breaks down and starts crying. I take him into my arms. "Shh, shh it's okay." I calm him. He pulls me to the floor with him and he crawls into a ball inside my arms. I rub circles in his back as he continues to quietly cry. I lay with him until I hear his breath slow and hear his light snores. I get up and grab a pillow to lay his head on and I wrap a blanket around his body.
I go to the den and stare at the mess. I sigh and start to pick up the over turned furniture and place the savable things where they go. I carefully pick up every piece of glass because I don't want to wake Jeremy with the noise of the vacuum. I pick up my collection of James Patterson novels and stack the ones that weren't ripped to shreds. There's pictures of Jeremy and I tossed every where but luckily none of them were damaged. Everything in the room was basically done for but surprisingly my most prized possession was completely unharmed. My father's collection of playbills were still in the corner of the room untouched. I blink away the tears forming.
Two and a half hours later I had the room looking presentable. I hear foot steps behind me and I turn around to find Jeremy at the door. He's got the cover wrapped around his shoulders and a depressed look on his face. I stay silent. "It was really bad this time?" Jeremy asks. I want to nod and tell him the truth but I just give a small smile and shake my head. "It's okay babe." I whisper. " I just can't help the out burst anymore and I'm trying, I am, but it's so damn hard." he says taking a seat next yo me on the floor. "Are you...?" I start. "Yeah I'm me, more or less I mean." he tells me.
He pulls me to his lap and tries to hold me tight but it hurts his hands. "Well when your hands get better you can help me paint. White was such a tacky color to have in this room anyway." I try to lighten up the room with a joke. He gives a faint fake smile. I look into his eyes and see nothing but pain. Pain that I can't make go away. And for that I want to break down, but if I don't stay strong neither will he.
A life that healed a broken heart with all that it could
Lived a life so endlessly, saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could
January 23rd, 2011
Bert reaches the podium to give his speech. "Jeremy or Remy as he liked to be called was one of my best friends in the world. I've known him since we were in diapers. He was always the mastermind behind all of our evil plots. He was the brains and brawn and I was Robin, as he always said. I never minded being the sidekick though, that meant that when the plan back fired I could blame it on him." Bert stifles a small chuckle. Is that all Jeremy is, a WAS? He deserves more than past tense references.
He's not gone! I want to scream it so loudly, but I refrain. His body lays in front of us all. Jeremy will never be a was, not ever, not to me. He IS my everything and always will be. Just like he will always be here with me.
Will you stay? Will you stay away forever?
September 5th, 2009
"It's beautiful Remy." I say gazing out at the view. I stood at the balcony looking out to the city, past the populated forest. I was waiting for Jeremy to come out of the hotel room and join me. Seconds later I hear the glass door slide open. "I'm glad you're enjoying it." he says taking his place next to me. There is a comfortable silence between us. "You know I didn't mean to snap at you earlier at dinner. I just got over irritated for no reason you know and I just wanted to apologize." Remy tells me.
"It's okay Remy, I understand. I know it's because of the whole bipolar thing and I get it. You can be overly cranky or intensely angry, but that's a part of you and I love you to bits." I tell him. "Well I'm glad you feel that way." he says. "And because you do I have something to ask you." he says and I turn to him now. He's on one knee next to me.
"Remy..." I start. "Lily you're the first one to ever really accept me and for that alone I love you. You're this wonderful woman who came into my life and changed it for better. I don't know what I'd do without you. Will you do me the honor of making me a lucky bastard and marry me?" he asks and I nod violently, not being able to speak.
March 17th, 2010
I decided to make Jeremy and me some dinner and I had him help to distract him. It wasn't a very good idea because he can't do much and it's frustrating him even more. "Remy why don't I finish and you can set the table." I suggest. "Yeah cause I can't do anything!" he yells pissed off. I finish the food and make our plates. "I'm not hungry." He says when I place the plate in front of him and pushes it away from him.
His mood swings are really starting to get old. "Eat Jeremy." I don't ask but tell him to. "Why, so I can look even more unattractive?" he states and crosses his arms. "Jeremy what are you talking about?" I question confused. "You're trying to make me fat so that you have a reason to fall out of love with me." he tells me seriously. I give a sharp laugh. "Now you're laughing at me." he says and I shake my head. "Didn't know that my body was funny to you." he snaps again. "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the fact that you think that I could actually fall out of love with you." I laugh again.
"Hilarious Lily, kick me why I'm down." he says and I roll my eyes. "Eat Jeremy or I'll call Mark and you can explain what happened today. And then he'll throw you in his truck and put you in a asylum." I tell him but he doesn't budge. I sigh and soften my voice and my mood. "Remy, I'm sorry okay I was just poking fun. You're not unattractive and I love your body. You're way too skinny, which is why I want you to eat. You don't have much of a appetite enough as it is and it worries me. There will never be anyone else but you. You're the closest thing to perfect to me and you know this. So please eat, because you need to get better, I need you to get better or it's more treatment." I reason and he starts to eat. He glares but I smile. "Please get better." I plead in my mind.
January 23rd, 2011
"Jeremy's fiancé Lily, has a few words." the priest says and I struggle to stand. It takes me a minute to get up to the podium. My throat is dry and my palms are sweaty. It took all I had not to just break down right there, but I held it in. I had to stay strong because there's was so much to tell, so much I needed Jeremy to know.
"Jeremy's the type of person who always came out with wacky ideas. He has also been really stubborn so whatever he said went. Whenever you'd be with him it'd be an adventure. A roller coaster ride that didn't end and you just had to hold on for dear life. That's how the last 9 1/2 years of my life was spent. His hyper activeness makes for some of the greatest stories, or maybe it was the mischief that came later. Either way he kept us entertained. Most of the time that I knew Jeremy he was this happy free spirited kid who loved to just do everything.
There were some times where no one knew if things would be okay when it came to Jeremy. He brought a lot of light, but wherever there's light there's darkness. For those of you who don't know, Jeremy was diagnosed with bipolar disorder later on in his life. He was always so determined to not let it get him down and mentality brought up all our spirits. I remember a time when Remy was bragging over river rafting and Augie called him superman, and at the time I thought it was corky and funny. He went around for weeks pretending to be superman, tights and all. But now I really believe that he wasn't pretending. He was my superman, my hero, and it pained me to see when doubted it.
He asked me once why was I still in love with him knowing that he gets cranky and angry at me 24/7 and is a pain most of the time. I told him it was because I fell so madly in love with him that I couldn't love anything else. I told him it I knew what I was getting into when I said yes and if I didn't want him for the rest of my life I would've said no. And it was true, but there was so much more. I love him because he got angry, because he threw fits, because he was annoying, sweet, innocent, lovable, imaginative and so much more. I wouldn't trade him in for anything in the world and I just want him to know that I wouldn't. I think he should know how much he is loved, by me and everyone else here. He was ready, to give up his powers and head home. He has no unfinished business here. And I know I'll see him again when I'm ready. And even though I don't get to spend the rest of my life with him, I've enjoyed the time I did have with him. Bye my hero, my superman." I finish so close to tears.
I love you, you were ready
The pain is strong enough despise
But I'll see you when he lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands are tied
So far away and I need you to know
So far away and I need you to, need you to know
The body viewing was coming to a close with me last. One look into the casket and I lost it all. I couldn't keep it in any longer. I screamed and cried. His body lay there so lifeless and stiff. I wanted so badly to hear his voice again, to hear his laugh, or even just to see him smile again. I kiss him for the last time. "I love you, always have, always will." I whisper before falling to my knees. Bert carries me out to the car and then to the burial sight. The priest says his words and everyone tosses their flowers. I just sit there praying that it is all a dream, but knowing it's not. He's really gone and time is the only thing between us now.
July 11th, 2009 Colorado
Me, Jeremy, and our friends Augie, Bert, and Carly just finished river rafting the Arkansas River in Colorado. Jeremy's bragging to Mark that we beat him and his crew down the river. "Babe stop being a showoff." I tease. "It's hard to do when you're the best!" he says cockily. I just roll my eyes at him. "He's the new superman. Paragliding, skydiving, and hot air ballooning all in a week and a half!" Augie exclaims. "Yeah man, what won't you do?" Mark asks. "Nothing." Jeremy says and cuddles me in his arms. "My own superman." I say and Jeremy kisses me.
Never feared for anything, never shamed but never free
January 23rd, 2011
The priest makes his way up to his podium. He fixes his robes and then turns to the church. He clears his throat and starts, "Bereaved friends, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of Jeremiah Antioco Radke..." As soon as I hear Jeremy's name my eyes close and the memories come back.
March 17th, 2010
"Jeremy babe, what's wrong?" I ask but he ignores me. I walk into the room more and get on my knees in front of him. Tears are streaming down his face. "Remy, why are you crying?" I ask but he looks away from my eyes. He looks so delicate, so broken. I look around the room only to find that everything is destroyed. There's glass everywhere, books ripped open, and furniture turn and flipped. I notice the blood on his hands and it brings tears to my eyes.
"Let's get you cleaned up." I tell him, my voice cracking slightly. He follows me to the kitchen and I grab the first aid kit. He gives me his hand and I inspect it for shards of glass. Thankfully I don't see any and I place his hands under the cold faucet water. "Ssss!" he bites his lip from the stinging. "I know hun, it's gonna hurt." I try to comfort him. I clean around the cuts with soap and then attempt to clean the cuts with peroxide. Jeremy pulls his hands away when he sees the brown bottle. "Jeremy you did this and I need to get you better." I try to reason with him but he shakes his head.
At this point I'm getting frustrated with him more and more by the second as he refuses. "Fine! If you wanna act like a five year old boy then I'll treat you like one. Clean up the mess you made and don't even think about complaining about the pain." I yell at him and walk away. I only get to the stairs when I hear a piercing scream. I run back into the kitchen to see what happened. I see Jeremy applying the peroxide himself. I take the bottle,"I got it Remy just try not to fight me alright?" I ask him and he nods. I clean him up and wrap his hands in adhesive bandages.
"Lily." he whispers jumping off the counter and I nod. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he breaks down and starts crying. I take him into my arms. "Shh, shh it's okay." I calm him. He pulls me to the floor with him and he crawls into a ball inside my arms. I rub circles in his back as he continues to quietly cry. I lay with him until I hear his breath slow and hear his light snores. I get up and grab a pillow to lay his head on and I wrap a blanket around his body.
I go to the den and stare at the mess. I sigh and start to pick up the over turned furniture and place the savable things where they go. I carefully pick up every piece of glass because I don't want to wake Jeremy with the noise of the vacuum. I pick up my collection of James Patterson novels and stack the ones that weren't ripped to shreds. There's pictures of Jeremy and I tossed every where but luckily none of them were damaged. Everything in the room was basically done for but surprisingly my most prized possession was completely unharmed. My father's collection of playbills were still in the corner of the room untouched. I blink away the tears forming.
Two and a half hours later I had the room looking presentable. I hear foot steps behind me and I turn around to find Jeremy at the door. He's got the cover wrapped around his shoulders and a depressed look on his face. I stay silent. "It was really bad this time?" Jeremy asks. I want to nod and tell him the truth but I just give a small smile and shake my head. "It's okay babe." I whisper. " I just can't help the out burst anymore and I'm trying, I am, but it's so damn hard." he says taking a seat next yo me on the floor. "Are you...?" I start. "Yeah I'm me, more or less I mean." he tells me.
He pulls me to his lap and tries to hold me tight but it hurts his hands. "Well when your hands get better you can help me paint. White was such a tacky color to have in this room anyway." I try to lighten up the room with a joke. He gives a faint fake smile. I look into his eyes and see nothing but pain. Pain that I can't make go away. And for that I want to break down, but if I don't stay strong neither will he.
A life that healed a broken heart with all that it could
Lived a life so endlessly, saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could
January 23rd, 2011
Bert reaches the podium to give his speech. "Jeremy or Remy as he liked to be called was one of my best friends in the world. I've known him since we were in diapers. He was always the mastermind behind all of our evil plots. He was the brains and brawn and I was Robin, as he always said. I never minded being the sidekick though, that meant that when the plan back fired I could blame it on him." Bert stifles a small chuckle. Is that all Jeremy is, a WAS? He deserves more than past tense references.
He's not gone! I want to scream it so loudly, but I refrain. His body lays in front of us all. Jeremy will never be a was, not ever, not to me. He IS my everything and always will be. Just like he will always be here with me.
Will you stay? Will you stay away forever?
September 5th, 2009
"It's beautiful Remy." I say gazing out at the view. I stood at the balcony looking out to the city, past the populated forest. I was waiting for Jeremy to come out of the hotel room and join me. Seconds later I hear the glass door slide open. "I'm glad you're enjoying it." he says taking his place next to me. There is a comfortable silence between us. "You know I didn't mean to snap at you earlier at dinner. I just got over irritated for no reason you know and I just wanted to apologize." Remy tells me.
"It's okay Remy, I understand. I know it's because of the whole bipolar thing and I get it. You can be overly cranky or intensely angry, but that's a part of you and I love you to bits." I tell him. "Well I'm glad you feel that way." he says. "And because you do I have something to ask you." he says and I turn to him now. He's on one knee next to me.
"Remy..." I start. "Lily you're the first one to ever really accept me and for that alone I love you. You're this wonderful woman who came into my life and changed it for better. I don't know what I'd do without you. Will you do me the honor of making me a lucky bastard and marry me?" he asks and I nod violently, not being able to speak.
March 17th, 2010
I decided to make Jeremy and me some dinner and I had him help to distract him. It wasn't a very good idea because he can't do much and it's frustrating him even more. "Remy why don't I finish and you can set the table." I suggest. "Yeah cause I can't do anything!" he yells pissed off. I finish the food and make our plates. "I'm not hungry." He says when I place the plate in front of him and pushes it away from him.
His mood swings are really starting to get old. "Eat Jeremy." I don't ask but tell him to. "Why, so I can look even more unattractive?" he states and crosses his arms. "Jeremy what are you talking about?" I question confused. "You're trying to make me fat so that you have a reason to fall out of love with me." he tells me seriously. I give a sharp laugh. "Now you're laughing at me." he says and I shake my head. "Didn't know that my body was funny to you." he snaps again. "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the fact that you think that I could actually fall out of love with you." I laugh again.
"Hilarious Lily, kick me why I'm down." he says and I roll my eyes. "Eat Jeremy or I'll call Mark and you can explain what happened today. And then he'll throw you in his truck and put you in a asylum." I tell him but he doesn't budge. I sigh and soften my voice and my mood. "Remy, I'm sorry okay I was just poking fun. You're not unattractive and I love your body. You're way too skinny, which is why I want you to eat. You don't have much of a appetite enough as it is and it worries me. There will never be anyone else but you. You're the closest thing to perfect to me and you know this. So please eat, because you need to get better, I need you to get better or it's more treatment." I reason and he starts to eat. He glares but I smile. "Please get better." I plead in my mind.
January 23rd, 2011
"Jeremy's fiancé Lily, has a few words." the priest says and I struggle to stand. It takes me a minute to get up to the podium. My throat is dry and my palms are sweaty. It took all I had not to just break down right there, but I held it in. I had to stay strong because there's was so much to tell, so much I needed Jeremy to know.
"Jeremy's the type of person who always came out with wacky ideas. He has also been really stubborn so whatever he said went. Whenever you'd be with him it'd be an adventure. A roller coaster ride that didn't end and you just had to hold on for dear life. That's how the last 9 1/2 years of my life was spent. His hyper activeness makes for some of the greatest stories, or maybe it was the mischief that came later. Either way he kept us entertained. Most of the time that I knew Jeremy he was this happy free spirited kid who loved to just do everything.
There were some times where no one knew if things would be okay when it came to Jeremy. He brought a lot of light, but wherever there's light there's darkness. For those of you who don't know, Jeremy was diagnosed with bipolar disorder later on in his life. He was always so determined to not let it get him down and mentality brought up all our spirits. I remember a time when Remy was bragging over river rafting and Augie called him superman, and at the time I thought it was corky and funny. He went around for weeks pretending to be superman, tights and all. But now I really believe that he wasn't pretending. He was my superman, my hero, and it pained me to see when doubted it.
He asked me once why was I still in love with him knowing that he gets cranky and angry at me 24/7 and is a pain most of the time. I told him it was because I fell so madly in love with him that I couldn't love anything else. I told him it I knew what I was getting into when I said yes and if I didn't want him for the rest of my life I would've said no. And it was true, but there was so much more. I love him because he got angry, because he threw fits, because he was annoying, sweet, innocent, lovable, imaginative and so much more. I wouldn't trade him in for anything in the world and I just want him to know that I wouldn't. I think he should know how much he is loved, by me and everyone else here. He was ready, to give up his powers and head home. He has no unfinished business here. And I know I'll see him again when I'm ready. And even though I don't get to spend the rest of my life with him, I've enjoyed the time I did have with him. Bye my hero, my superman." I finish so close to tears.
I love you, you were ready
The pain is strong enough despise
But I'll see you when he lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands are tied
So far away and I need you to know
So far away and I need you to, need you to know
The body viewing was coming to a close with me last. One look into the casket and I lost it all. I couldn't keep it in any longer. I screamed and cried. His body lay there so lifeless and stiff. I wanted so badly to hear his voice again, to hear his laugh, or even just to see him smile again. I kiss him for the last time. "I love you, always have, always will." I whisper before falling to my knees. Bert carries me out to the car and then to the burial sight. The priest says his words and everyone tosses their flowers. I just sit there praying that it is all a dream, but knowing it's not. He's really gone and time is the only thing between us now.
♠ ♠ ♠
Ehh okay I guesscomments would be awesome! :)
Song is So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold