After All This Time

“You okay?” Kendall whispered in her ear awhile later. Kate gave a half smile, looking deep into his jade eyes. He must have known. When was he going to tell her? She tried to shake it from her head.

“I’m fine. Just a bit tired from everything,” she explained lamely. She bit down on her lip, knowing he was well aware something was off. His eyebrows knit together, making worry lines in his forehead.

“Do you wanna leave?” he asked, his fingers brushing against her cheek. She tried her best to stay calm; the last thing she wanted was the night to end in a fight or cause a scene.

“Yeah,” she murmured, picking up her black clutch. She hugged Carolyn and James loosely before trailing behind Kendall to the back exit. Neither spoke until they were in the car. Kendall sat at the wheel, but couldn’t bring himself to start it.

“What’s going on, Kate?” he asked softly, as he reached out to her. She gave another sad smile, looking past him at the old brick building. Her mind was racing, and she could feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes. She really wanted to believe she was overreacting, but couldn’t bring herself to speak.

“It’s just something Carolyn said. Something about a worldwide tour.” The words hung in the air, and Kendall hung his head, his golden hair falling into his ashamed face. Kate bit harder down on her lip, to the point were a trickle of crimson was seeping through her ruby lipstick.

“Our manager told us. The latest record went platinum, and they want us to tour overseas.” His voice was quiet, and his eyes focused ahead of him at the wheel. He didn’t see the way her face fell. She took a deep breath, looking at a streetlight a few feet away.

“How long?”

“Kate, nothing’s for sure yet.”

“How long Kendall?” Her voice was sharp, and finally, her hazel eyes bore into his jade ones.

“One year.” His voice was barely audible, and Kate pursed her lips.

“How long have you known?” She tried to stay calm and give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was getting harder by the minute.

“Kate…”

“Just answer me,” she snapped, her arms crossing over her chest. He sighed, his hand raking through his tousled hair.

“A few weeks.” Her lips parted slightly, and a bitter laugh escaped them.

“You’ve known that long? Were you going to tell me, Kendall?” For the first time that night, hurt seeped through her voice, accusations hiding behind it.

“I didn’t want to ruin tonight. I was going to tell you, Kate, I swear.”

“Yeah, that worked well,” she muttered, squeezing her hazy eyes shut. Kendall watched her, his face guilt-ridden. She didn’t look to take notice though; instead she watched the flickering yellow light instead, gnawing on her thumbnail.

“Kate, can we talk about this?” he asked, a pleading note tugging at his words. She shook her head slowly, pushing her bangs out of her face.

“Kendall, I wanna go home,” she whispered, her head resting against her hands. Kendall said nothing, and the soft hum of the engine filled the tense air. His jade eyes continued to steal sidelong glances, his emotions bubbling up until they pulled in front of her building.

“Kate, where does this leave us?” His voice wavered as he spoke. She turned to him, raking her hand through her bangs, pushing them back.

“I don’t know, Kendall,” she answered quietly, her hand clutching around the door handle.

“I don’t want to lose you again,” he pleaded. He could see her knuckles turning white as her grip tightened.

“And you think I want to lose you? Kendall, I love you, but I don’t know if I can keep doing this to myself or to you. I need time to think this through. Okay?” For the first time, it was her voice that was twanged with begging. As her golden eyes fell on his face, there was nothing Kendall could do but nod.

“Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here, Kate. Call me.” She nodded, forcing the car door open. As she walked to the lobby, she stopped, turning back one last time. Below the building lights, Kendall could see the trail of black leading down from her eyes before she went inside. He squeezed his own jade orbs shut, resting his forehead against the smooth material of the steering wheel.

Kate made her way up the stairs as quickly as possible. All she wanted was to be alone, and in quiet. She didn’t know when she kicked off her shoes and started carrying them, but she was aware of it as she fumbled with her keys outside her door. Naturally it was the one time she locked the damn thing. When she finally emerged inside, she barely re-closed the door before collapsing to the ground.

She didn’t know what to think as she lay there. Her only thoughts were of what would happen. The past year was so much more than she had ever expected. She never wanted to fall in love. She never wanted to feel this pain; feel her heart trying to remove itself from her chest.

She tossed her purse and shoes across the room, and they scattered into the hallway. All of the guys had known about the tour, not just Kendall. Not one of them had bothered to say a thing about it to her. She didn’t know which felt more like a betrayal, or which hurt more.

She hadn’t realized she was crying until she pushed her loose hair away from her face. She let out a bitter laugh as she saw the diluted black tears on the back of her hand. It was fitting, really, that they appear as dark she felt. She leaned her head against the door, closing her eyes as her mind processed.

In the hallway, she could hear the familiar ringing of her cell phone through the glossy material of her clutch. She tried to push the sound to the back of her mind as it continued in what felt like a continuous stream. She didn’t want to talk to any of them right now. She had no idea what she would say. Instead, she laid still, her head spinning. Jay had warned her about ups and downs, but she had never expected this.

She felt completely blindsided, like a deer caught in the headlights. She felt as though she only had seconds to react before her world either crashed apart or she ran to safety. And there was nothing to assure her there wouldn’t be another around the next corner. Kate was at a complete loss of what to do.