How It Used to Be

Jack’s POV

It’s raining.

That’s the first thing that I noticed when i left the bathroom after a much needed shower. I tilted my head from side to side; desperately trying to shake the excess water from my ears. I guess it must have worked. The rain was pelting the roof of my house. I could hear the wind rattling the windows and a gentle booming of thunder is rolling in the distance. I frowned. So much for a sunny weekend.

“Hopefully the rain clears before Sunday,” I thought to myself. “I do not want to miss out on seeing Alex for the first time.”

I smirked to myself at the thought of Alex as I trudged my way into my bedroom in search of clothes to wear to bed. Kicking the door shut behind me and dropping my towel to the floor, I made my way, completely bare-assed to my chest of draws. I ran my fingers back through my wet hair; pushing it back off my forehead. I should probably dry that a little more. I pulled out a pair of boxers and quickly pulled them on; just in case my mum decided to wander on into my room for any particular reason. My mum seeing my junk was definitely not on my agenda for this evening. I plucked a pair of baggy shorts out of the bottom draw followed by an old tshirt that hung off me and quickly pulled them on.

I already knew what I was doing. My plans for the evening consisted of the following. Dinner with my family; asking permission for the beach trip on the Sunday and filling them in on just how amazing Alex. And probably listening to music and texting Alex for the rest of the night. He smiled again at the thought of Alex. That boy was doing things to me. Things I just wasn’t used to feeling about a guy. Let alone a guy I’d only known a few days. Alex with the perfect teeth and crooked smile. Alex with the almond eyes and long eye lashes. Alex with the girlish hips but broad shoulders. Alex with his new look of skinny jeans and v-necks and those damn oversized beanies. I blushed and bit own on my lower lip just thinking about it. Damn. I have it bad. I can’t help it. He’s just too darn cute.

I picked up the wet towel I had dumped on the floor and left my room; walking back to the bathroom and hanging it over the towel rail on the back of the door.

A knock on the front door drew my attention. Who the hell would that be? Everyone’s home. Besides dad, but he’s always home late on a Friday. I stole a quick glance at the clock that hung in the hall. It was only 5:30 and dad wouldn’t knock anyway.

“I’ve got it!” my brother, Joe called into the house. I chuckled. Joe knows that known of the others would actually run for the door. Except if we knew it was for us. “Oh. Hello. Can I help you?”

I peered around the corner of the bathroom door. Whoever it was, they were being blocked by my brothers large frame. I made my way down the hall way; my curiosity getting the better of me.

“Is Jack here?”

I sped up my steps when i realized who it was. He’d recognize that voice anywhere. Alex.

“Yeah. He’s here,” Joe told him. “Jack!”

“I’m right here,” i replied, stepping up beside Joe; cringing at the loudness of my brothers voice. Guess that was family trait.

I took in Alex as he stood on my door step. He was drenched from head to toe. Skinny jeans sticking to his legs wetly, t-shirt clinging to his chest and stomach. His hoodie hung heavily off his body. As i met his eyes, Alex reached up and pulled his beanie off his head; wringing it between his hands.

“Alex. What are you doing here?” I asked him; reaching for one of Alex’s wrists and pulling him inside the house out of the rain. “Joe. Can you grab a towel or something?”

Joe shrugged a shoulder before wondering down the hall.

“I just. I wanted to talk,” Alex answered simply.

“Why didn’t you just call?” I shook my head and slid my hand into Alex’s and tugged him toward the hall way, leading him to the bathroom.

Joe met us halfway; handing me a towel. He had a wary look on his face. I shrugged and he shrugged back, before going back into the living room. I smiled in thanks as he walked away before pulling Alex into the bathroom behind me. I shut the door gently.

“I. um,” Alex ran a hand through his wet hair before dropping it down dejectedly. “This isn’t a conversation I wanted to have over the phone.”

I eyed him for a second before shoving him down to sit onto the toilet. I draped the towel over the top of Alex’s head and started to dry off his hair for him. I went slowly; gently rubbing at it in circular motions. I knelt down in front of him rubbing Alex’s hair thoroughly; sighing as I went. He dragged the towel off his head, taking in Alex’s face. His hair was sticking up in every which way. I started to dab at Alex’s face with the towel; making sure to get every rain drop of his skin. His noticed his lower lip trembling. He looked so sad.

“Hey,” Jack said softly; wiping at Alex’s neck now. “You okay?”

Alex swallowed noticeably; his adam’s apple bobbing violently in his throat. He shook his head slowly. I chewed at my lip and stood up. He obviously needed to talk about something major in that case. What though? What could he possibly be telling me? He looked nervous. He wasn’t coming out or something was he? Did something happen to his mum or dad. Was he moving again? I dropped the towel into Alex’s lap.

“Let’s get you out of these wet clothes okay? And into some dry ones,” I smiled softly, pushing the possibilities out of my head. “Then we can sit in my room and talk about whatever’s bothering you.”

Alex nodded silently and tugged at the sleeves of his wet hoodie; it was proving difficult to be pulled off.

“Take your time,” I smiled again. “I’ll go and get you something to change into.”
I opened the bathroom door before closing it quickly behind me after I stepped outside. I slumped against the door and frowned. Something was bothering Alex. Something big. Something….

“Is he okay?” Joe asked; appearing at my side.

“I think so,” I replied. “He says he just wants to talk but something’s messing with his head. Can you, can you do me a favour? Could you boil the kettle or something and make him some tea? He’s practically freezing after being out in that rain.”

“Yeah,” Joe nodded. “Sure. Just, yeah. Will do.”

Joe rubbed the back of his neck before walking away and I went to my room; pulling a pair of sweats and a tshirt from my draws and a hoodie from my closet. As an afterthought, i grabbed one of my newer pairs of boxers too; just in case. I walked back to the bathroom and tapped on the door with a single knuckle.

“Lex? You decent?” I asked through the door; pressing my ear against it, the clothes clutched to the chest.

“Yeah,” came the soft reply.

I opened the door slowly and stepped inside. Alex sat on the toilet still. His jean’s were still on but he had taken off his shoes and socks. The towel was draped across his shoulders; pulled tight around himself in an effort to keep warm. To protect himself. He looked so small. So nervous. He looked up at me with big innocent and lost eyes. I smiled at him before approaching.

“Okay,” I started putting the pile of clothes down on the basin. “I grabbed you some sweats and a shirt. I hope you don’t mind Jimmy Eat World because that the first hoodie i grabbed. And I brought some boxers too. They’re clean I promise, and probably a lot drier than yours.”

“Thanks Jack,” Alex said; his voice small.

“You’re welcome,” I told him. “Now get changed and bring out your wet stuff when you’re done and I’ll toss them in the drier for you. You want some tea or something? You must be freezing. “
Alex nodded timidly.

“Okay,” I smiled again. “I’ll be back.”

I left the bathroom again; walking to the kitchen to make tea. My thoughts stayed on Alex.

Alex’s POV

I watched as Jack left the bathroom and after a soft smile he closed the door. I slumped back against the back of the toilet; dropping my head against the wall. Why did I do this? Why did I come here? Maybe I should just keep it all to myself. Maybe i should just leave it at what he already knows. I lifted my head and shook it. No. I want Jack to know. I want him to know everything that happened in England. I want to fill him in. I want him to know it all. I mean. He’s my best friend now. He should know.

I stood up; ruffling my hair one more time with the towel before dropping it down on top of my wet shirt and hoodie. I peeled off my jeans; nearly ending up head first in the bath in the process. I pulled off my boxers too; suddenly feeling extremely exposed. I was naked in Jack’s house. Naked. Completely naked. I felt myself blush at the thought of it. I cleared my throat and got dressed. I was pulling the t-shirt on when I heard Jack call through the door.

“I’ll just be in my room when you’re done,” he told me. “It’s the door at the very end of the hall way.”

I didn’t bother answering as I pulled on the hoodie too; leaving it undone.

“Just leave your wet clothes in there,” he continued. “My mum said she’d toss them in the drier for you.”

I looked at myself in the mirror of the Barakat’s bathroom sink. Jesus. I looked like a hot mess. Hair was literally everywhere. Jack’s clothes sat clinging to my still slightly damp skin. I scrubbed a hand over my face and sighed to myself. i picked up my own abandoned sweat shirt and carefully pulled out the damp envelope. i tucked it into the pocket of Jack's hoodie. I guess it’s now or never. I moved to the door, opening it and stepped out into the hallway, walking quickly to the door at the end of the hall and stepping inside.

“Hey.”

I smiled slightly up at Jack. He sat against his head board clutching a mug between his hands. Another sat beside him on his bedside table. He patted the space beside him and I went and sat down. He passed me the other mug and I blew into it before taking a sip. The warmth of the tea spreading through my body.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Don’t mention it,” Jack replied; sipping his own tea.

We fell into a comfortable silence and I was thankful of Jack in that moment; that he wasn’t pushing this. He wasn’t asking. He was just waiting. Waiting for me to speak first. He knew I came here to talk. And I guess he guessed I would when I was ready. I took another sip of tea and lowered the mug. I crossed my legs indian style and rested the mug on one of my knees. I took a deep breath. Here we go.

“I trust you Jack,” I started.

I turned my head to face him and found Jack watching me.

“I know,’ he nodded.

“Yeah. Which is why I want to tell you this,” I continued; swallowing nervously.

“Tell me what?” Jack asked now. Impatient bastard.

“I want to tell you what happened in England.”

“I thought you had,” he sipped his tea before putting it down on his bedside table.

“Not everything,” I confirmed with a shake of my head. “What I told you that day in the auditorium. That was some it. But. It wasn’t everything. I want you to know everything.”

“Only if you want to,” he told me. “I mean, you know I’m not going to go and like tell everyone. But, you don’t need to.”

“Yes I do,” I nodded now. “You’re my best friend Jack. Even now. And. I just need to tell you. Is that okay?”

“Well, yeah,” Jack angled himself toward me; still leaning against the head board. “of course.”

“It’s. it’s pretty heavy,” I confessed.

“I can handle it,” Jack patted my knee and smiled.

“Well, okay,” I inhaled deeply before I started. “Before Daniel passed away everything was good you know? I mean really good. I was doing great in school. I had terrific friends. My family was happy and I was even dating. Her name was Laura. I had been dating her since I was 14. We were both 14 when we got together. And she was awesome. She was my first serious relationship. The first person I thought I loved.”

I looked up to Jack. He simply smiled; inclining his head telling me to go on.

“Daniel had it made too,” I told him. “He was popular. He was a sporty guy. He had scholarships to different collages, even some over here in the states. Not that my parents wanted to come over here. He wasn’t seeing anyone but, he. You know. Sports was his thing. My parents rode him pretty hard. He needed to get good greats to keep his scholarships. He needed to keep his grade point average up to maintain all the collage offers he had. His friends all idolised him. I idolised him. But, when I hit ninth grade and started doing the music thing on top of all of my other classes, it was like things changed.

“What changed?” Jack asked softly.

“Well, everything seemed to come easy to me,” I told him. “Math. Poetry. Especially the music thing. I had a gift my parents and teachers both had said. A gift I should look into in the future. Something I should definitely pursue. Daniel on the other hand. He had to study a lot. The team started to apply pressure as the final games started coming up and everything seemed to be piling on top of him and he was crumbling under the pressure. Meanwhile, I was coasting. It was like the rolls had reversed. I was suddenly the golden child. Nothing I did was wrong. Everything I did was praised. And Daniel hated it. I knew he did. I knew that.”

I paused; taking a deep breath and chancing another look at Jack who was now nursing his mug again. He tipped it back finishing it.

“Sorry. I hate when it gets cold,” he told me sheepishly and I smiled.

“It’s okay.”

“You were saying.”

“My parents started pressuring him more,” I continued. “They roused on him over anything he did wrong. He would ask to go out with his mates and they’d lecture him about an essay or report he had due. They’d tell him he shouldn’t risk injuring himself before a big game. The pressure was coming from every angle and I honest to god could see my brother deteriorating in front of my eyes.”

I chuckled darkly.

“They actually compared him to me once,” I shook m head; handing my mug to Jack and he put it down beside him. “They said that maybe he should try being more like me. I took it as an epic compliment because you know, he was my older brother. My idol. And now he was being told to be like me it was huge! But. Daniel didn’t like it. He really didn’t. And I guess it became too much. all that pressure. Not being good enough. But. We didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see it coming.”

I licked my lips and cleared my throat to stop my voice from wavering as the tears filled my eyes.

“I found him, you know,” I confessed and looked up again.

Jack at staring at me; his eyes wide.

“oh god, Lex,” his hand few to his mouth in shock.

“I found him,” my voice cracked then. “he. He hung himself.”

Jack rested his hand on top of mine but I pulled it back. If he comforted me. I knew I wouldn’t get through all this.

“Then. Everything got out of hand. Everyone at school found out. I mean everybody. A lot of his mates; they blamed me. They told me it was my fault. That it was my fault he was gone.” I swallowed down my tears.

I didn’t dare look up at Jack’s face. I couldn’t handle the pity that more than likely sat there.

“Even my friends changed,” i continued. “it was like they were walking on eggshells around me. So afraid that anything they would say would throw me off. That they would make me want to...”

“You don’t have to go on Lex,” Jack told me; he reached for my hands again but i clasped my hands together; burying them in my lap. Jack withdrew his hand slowly. I kept my eyes trained on the bed.

“Laura broke up with me before school three days after it happened,” I bit my lip; continuing as if Jack hadn't spoken. “i honestly saw it coming but it did hurt. She’d been distancing herself since it got out. not that i was really making an effort to see her. She told me i was a ticking time bomb.”

I shook my head; laughing to myself. I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand and sniffled.

“she was like sorry Alex, but i can’t be with you. I asked why,” i said. “and she just said that she didn’t want to be the one that set me off. everyone thought that because Daniel had gone, i would too.”

“you know, that’s so fucking sick,” Jack interrupted; his voice angry. “honestly. You needed the support and she just fucking dumped you.”

“I know,” i whispered. “the funeral was on the Saturday. It was a nice day. Sun was out, there was a cool breeze. The only friend who hadn’t abandoned me, Sam, stood beside me. He held my hand through the whole service. He was gay by the way. Not that that matters or anything. But like, he was the only one that stood by me. When the service was over he just hugged me and walked away. I never saw him again.”

I shifted slightly; scratching my cheek.

“on Monday, everything was worse. I was shoved around, randoms were calling me a suicide risk, i was still getting blamed for his death,” i could feel myself trembling. Jack’s fingers twitched on his knee. He was itching to just touch me. “there was even a rumor that i had killed him. Because i was jealous of him.”

“fuck.”

“i hated him. What these people were saying was making me hate my own brother. I hated what i was becoming. I was angry all the time. Crying all the time. I couldn’t handle the pity. I couldn’t handle the pain. One day. It really became too much.”

I heard Jack inhale sharply.

“one day, i decided i was,” i swallowed. “i was going to go too. I wanted to follow Daniel. I walked up to my room, determined to just follow in his footsteps.”

I slowly broke down; the tears that were in my eyes slowly made their way down my cheeks landing on my knees. I was trembling. I could feel it. I pulled the sleeves of Jack’s hoodie over my hands.

“i found my mum,” i looked up to Jack finally; his eyes shining with tears, bottom lip trembling. i found no pity just understanding. One tear escaped and i reached out and brushed it away before pulling my hand back. “she. She was sitting on Daniel’s bed; clutching one of his sweat shirts to her chest. the one i was wearing tonight. She was sobbing Jack. She didn’t cry at the funeral. I yelled at her for not caring. But then, finding her like that. i. Just. I couldn’t do that to her. i couldnt leave her like he had. i couldn't.”

I shook as the sobs overcame my body. I dropped my eyes back to the bed.

“Fucking hell Lex,” Jacks voice broke as he spoke. “Can i hug you or something? Please. I’m dying here.”

I looked up at him again and he seized my shoulders; dragging me toward him. I ended up sitting half beside and half on top of him; my legs draped across his lap; his arms around my torso. He held me tightly. He was shaking.

“i told her everything. Everything that was going on at school, what the kids were saying. That Laura had broken up with me,” i continued; tucking my forehead under Jack’s chin; his cheek rested on my head. “she. She said she wanted out. she wasn’t coping. Everything was too familiar. We decided to move. She called it a fresh start. Said it’d be good for all of us.”

Jack’s pulled me impossibly closer; holding onto me like i was going to fade away.

“You know the story after that,” i pulled back gently and looked him in the eye. “i met you. And my life changed. For the better.”

Jack smiled a watery smile at me before pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Ditto," he whispered.

"i really was going to do it though," i confessed. "i had everything planned. i even, i even wrote a letter and everything. To this day it was scrawled on a few pages in the back of my old note book. i tore it out though."

"can i read it?" he asked slowly and i felt my breath catch.

"i. i dont want you to have to read something like that Jack," i shook my head slowly. "besides, it's probably destroyed now. it was in the pocket of the hoodie i was wearing when i came here. i was going to get you read it, instead of talking to you but...i just. i wanted to talk instead."

"i dont have to read it, but i sort of want to," he told me. "is that, morbid or something?"

"no. i just," i reached into the pocket of the hoodie and pulled out the envelope from before.

"can i?" Jack asked; his smile wary and a little guarded.

i handed it to him and he pulled out the paper from inside. he unfolded it slowly; careful not to tear it. i watched his eyes as he stated to read; his eyes scanning across the paper from left to right.

i swallowed as his eyes filled with tears again and i just know he'd reached the last paragraph.

i'm sorry. i know that's a pretty shitty thing to say to my parents after i've just killed myself. but im honestly at a loss for words. i know these words dont mean much but i love you. you have no idea how much. you never did anything wrong by me; loving me unconditionally.
"Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye"
a sweet goodbye, a tainted goodbye, a premature goodbye, but a goodbye all the same.
farewell and i love you.

Jack pulled his eyes from the page and met mine. the expression on his face was heart breaking. his forehead was creased, eyes filled with tears, the saddest frown i had ever seen on anyone. his shoulders slumped a little before he sat up straight a little.

he tore the page down the middle, then again and again until it was nothing more then soggy confetti. he dropped it onto the floor beside his bed; before turning his face back to me. he slid his palm onto my cheek.

"you are never going back there, do you understand me?" he said; his voice wavering slightly, but still strong and sure. "you never have to go back to that dark place. because i'm here now. and im not going anywhere."

he moved his hand to the back of my neck and pulled my head down onto his chest. i nuzzled myself in agaisnt his warm chest; clutching at his t-shirt tightly; letting his words sink in. As shitty as my past was, i knew things were going to get better. that the darkness was going to go away. That the future looked brighter; the future with Jack.