You're The Only Hope For Me

Gerard let me in, and we went to the privacy of his bedroom.

"Are you OK, Frankie? I know you've been avoiding me" He said when we got to his room. It smelt just as he did; sweat and aftershave and-warmth.
I know warmth doesnt smell of anything, but he just did.

"I'm-I'm fine, Gee. I just...after the other night, I was worried that it would be weird between us. I-I've been thinking about it, and er, I'm-I'm gay, Gerard"

Gee was silent, just a little smile on his face.

"I'm really glad you told me, Frank. Thats really great. I'm so proud of you" He said, bursting with pride, pulling me in for another hug.

"Thanks Gee. Thanks for being so awesome" I thanked him. I was nearly crying, but I held it in.

"Hey, don't go all gushy on me" He rolled his eyes, and I sniffled, wiping my eyes, swearing tears were dripping from them but not wanting to admit it to myself.

"Sorry" I apologised. "So, whats planned for tonight?" I asked, keen to change the subject.

"My moms going to town, wanna go? Obviously we wont be going 'round with her, but we don't have to go if you don't wanna" He asked politely.

"Yeah, yeah. I need to get out" I smiled.

"Yeah, you do! You look ill!" Gee teased. "We're going at seven" He added, sitting on the bed.

"Isn't that late to be going shopping?" I asked, sitting down with him.

"Nah. She thinks its somehow more enjoyable" Gee rolled his eyes at me. I smiled at him and watched his eyes smile too, like they always did.

When 7 o' clock rolled along, we set off into town. The car journey was full of me and Gerard arguing over which Misfit song was the best. I thought it was 'Mommy Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?' while Gee insisted it was Angelfuck. Gerard;s mom tutted at us and smiled while we fought.

"You're wrong dude!" Gee shouted from beside me.

"No, I'm not" I said smartly.

"Seriously, I thought you had at least some fucking braincells" Gerard laughed.

"Gerard!" His mom scolded.

"Sorry" He whispered.

If she thought that was bad, she should have heard him when he was with the guys. He swore like a sailor, and when he was drunk, he swore at passing people on the street. We all did, but Gee was the worst.

We got out of the car, and went straight to the Killjoy record store. It was empty, beside a few lonely men who were looking for Beatles albums.

Gee went to go look for the new Blur album, and I headed in the direction of Punk Rock aisle. I wasn't looking for anything, I only had $7 on me. I could have stayed at Gee's, but I liked being out with Gerard. I liked people knowing he was my friend. It was like being out with a superhero. He attracted alot of attention. Gerard was gorgeous and everyone knew it. Shortish black hair, russett eyes, a good body, and bright smile, and pale skin.

I was flicking through the CDS', picking up randoms ones, staring at them, then putting them back down, when I saw a dusty, torn and frayed paper- cover copy of the Chemcial Brothers Exit Planet Dust. It was signed on the back by the lead singer. Someone had obviously left it here, no-one in their right mind would leave this here on purpose. It would be worth at least $60 for a really dedicated fan.

I liked the Chemical Brothers, but they werent my favourite. I knew Gerard knew all the words and every note to every song on this album, as if was one of his favourite albums, and I knew he already had the album, but this seemed to much of a coincidence to let pass me by. I knew I'd regret it if I didn't buy Gee it, as well.

He deserved it for being so good to me.

I looked around me, to see if Gee was in a 15-meter radius-he could see things from so far away it was like he had absorbed bionic vision from Batman through the countless comic books he read.

I hid it in my coat, just in case Gee jumped out from a corner. I thought about stealing it, since it didn't have a bar code, but I knew Gee would find out somehow-
He had connections everywhere- and he'd kill me.

I didn't really want to either. It wouldn't have the same sentimental value, because I hadn't bought it, I'd have just given it to him. Buying it showed I cared.

Why did I want Gerard to know I cared about him?

I didn't want to get into it again, so I went to the checkout.

The guy behind the register looked at me as if to say 'Fuck, not another emo'. He gave me the usual look up and down, as everyone did, although not everyone was as obvious as him. It was rude and obxious to do it, but they didn't care. No-one did. They all stared, like they somehow had the glorified right to scrutinize and judge me at my knowing.

I handed over the album, and he looked at me like I was a paint drying.

"You can't buy this" He said. His voice was completly monotone, there was no expression what so ever.

"What?" I asked, although I was pretty sure I knew what he meant.

"You can't buy this. Theres no bar code or price. Just take it" He shrugged, and even that seemed to be a bother for him.

"I can't just take it" I nervously laughed.

He sighed deeply "Dude, do you want me to charge you for it? Cos we both know its gonna cost more than both of us put together can afford. You've found a record store holy fucking grail, take it" He said, still on one note.

I looked at him to say 'are you sure?' and he just nodded.

I said thanks to him, and took a bag for it.

Shit.
Where should I put it?

I thought about just holding the bag and not telling Gee, but I knew he'd wrestle me for it. I tried putting it in my pocket, but it wouldn't fit, and I couldnt even get my hand in there to open it because they were that tight.

I eventually resorted to throwing the bag away and putting the album in the big pocket of my sweater. It would take some hiding from Gerard, but I was pretty sure I could do it.

"FRANK!"

I heard Gerard shout form upstairs. He was on his way down, so I wasn't sure why he shouted. I just laughed to myself when I saw he had three bags, brimming with posters, and probably only one album.

He smiled at me and simply said "I had money, there were posters, one thing led to another, and I had poster babies".

I laughed uproarously, to the disgust of the lonely men in the aisles. I had to calm myself just so I could breathe.

When we got back to Gerards, I threw myself on the bed and groaned.

"I literally could not walk another step, dude! 'Think you're gonna have to carry me home, Way" I winked to him.

"In your wet dreams, bro"

Gee laughed back. I watched him as he put in The Godfather DVD, and walk over to me.

Just as the film got to the best part, I could feel my eyes slowly closing themselves. I tried with all my might to keep them open, but being in Gerards warm room, on his comfy bed, kinda leaning against him, the urge to snuggle up became insufferable.

"Gee, I'm falling asleep" I whispered sleepily.

"Right at the best part, like always" I could hear the smile in his voice. "Come on, sleepy h-Oh, shit" Gee cursed.

"What?" I asked, not really caring.

"I was gonna put your sleeping bag up when we got back, but I totally fucking forgot" Gee sighed.

"Its OK. I'll do it now" I said, getting up, my eyes still closed. I tripped over a game on the floor.

"FUCK!" I shouted.

"Shut the fuck up, Fi! Look at you, you can't even stand. Just...just sleep in my bed tonight" He sighed lightly.

"What?"

My eyes were fully open now, more open than they had ever been.

"Its not gonna be weird, right? I mean, I don't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything" Gee asked consideratly.

"No, course its not, dude. Just, don't try and feel me up like last time" I grinned at him.

"When the fuck was the last time?!" Gee aksed, mockingly outraged.

"You know when" I giggled back.

The truth was, there never had been a before. It seemed strange that we had never shared a bed before. We'd been friends for more than a decade, it could have happened anytime.

I was apprehensive and...
excited.

Like the other night with him.