Pencil, Paper and Passion.

Ben and I left the gallery at 5:30, in order to be on time for the reservation he’d made at 6 o’ clock. I sat in the passengers’ seat as he drove, a bit apprehensive about going to some fancy restaurant, as neither of us was dressed for it. My casual skirt and sweater were fine for the showing but wouldn’t do in a formal setting. I glanced over at Ben, for once getting past his chiseled cheeks and violet eyes, taking in his clothing: simple dove gray slacks and a sweater several shades darker. I cleared my throat. “Ben?”

He reached over to lace the fingers of his right hand with my left. “Hm.”

“Uhm. You said we had a reservation, right?”

“Yes,” He replied, looking at me briefly in amusement before returning his eyes to the road. “Did you already forget? I told you just five minutes ago.”

“No, I didn’t forget.” I said, rolling my eyes at him. “But I’d like to point out that the majority of restaurants that require you to have a reservation also require that you wear formal clothing, which neither of us are.”

The amusement slid off Ben’s face to be replaced by a sulky expression. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

I shrugged, looking out the window at the passing streets to hide my smirk. “No idea. Maybe you-” My phone’s ringer cut me off and I pulled it from my pocket with my free hand, answering without bothering to check who was calling. “Hello?”

“Elizabeth?” The voice on the other end managed to be both shrill and detached.

“Yes, Mother?” I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut tightly, wishing I‘d looked at the screen before I‘d answered.

“I’d like to know where you are.”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes,” She snapped, still frosty. “It does. I’ve just arrived at the house and I have a few things to discuss with you.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you’ve returned from your little trip.” I said sarcastically, then went on before she could form a retort. “However, I’m afraid I won’t be home for a few hours.” I could feel the ice creeping into my own voice and I hated it. No mother and daughter should be so cold to each other, but as much as I'd tried to force myself to feel warmth for this woman, it had never come.

“I’m going to have to insist, Elizabeth. These matters are extremely important and need to be dealt with as quickly as possible.”

“Well, Mother, I’m sorry, but I’m an hour and a half away from home. I should be home by…” I sent a questioning look towards Ben and watched as he mouthed ‘ten o’ clock’ at me. “Ten, if that’s agreeable to you.”

“No, it’s not. I suggest you begin making your way home now, as I’ll be locking the doors at eight. No exceptions.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a moment, speechless. She was giving me ultimatums? It was my bloody house! I started to tell her that when I remembered that it wouldn’t be mine, technically, until I was twenty-one. Seething, I put the phone back to my ear and hissed, “Fine.”

“Very good. I’ll see-” I cut off her voice by simply pressing the end button. I scowled down at my phone and tried to guess what she wanted to speak to me about. Was she sending me to boarding school? No, I was eighteen, she couldn’t. Was she going to try and send me to another doctor? It was a possibility and I thought briefly about telling her that she was the reason she never saw me eat anything. There, that’ll clear it up, I thought to myself smugly, picturing my mother’s face when I explained that she made me so tense that it was impossible to even force anything down.

“Elizabeth?”

My head jerked around and I stared at Ben blankly. “Yes?”

“What was that about?”

“I have to be home by eight. My mother is back from the Hamptons and wants to speak to me about something.”

He looked a little exasperated as he switched on his right blinker, preparing to turn into a parking lot so, I presumed, he could turn around. “Don’t you think it would have been wise to tell me you needed to go home? We’re going in the opposite direction of your house!”

“Oh. Yeah, sorry.”

He shook his head and turned back onto the road, heading back to my house. “It doesn’t matter. What does your mom want to talk to you about?”

I shrugged and unconsciously pulled my hand from his to cross my arms, distancing myself. “Probably about sending me to another doctor.”

He looked at me in concern and his voice sounded almost panicked. “What? Are you sick? Are you alright?”

I widened my eyes at him as he kept his on my face. “Ben! Watch the road!”

Immediately, his head whipped around to face front, but the concern and panic was still in his voice. “Elizabeth, are you ill?”

“No,” I said impatiently. “But Mother thinks I have an eating disorder and sends me to doctor after doctor.”

“An eating disorder?” His brows furrowed and he must have been thinking of something bad because he frowned uneasily. “But you’ve gone to doctor’s? What did they tell your mom?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “That I don’t have one.”

The frown deepened. “But, Elizabeth… I mean, you’re so small. It never occurred to me that you might-”

“Excuse me?” I narrowed my eyes at him as I cut him off. “Do you honestly believe that I starve myself?”

“I’ve carried you, remember? You’re eighteen years old and you can’t weigh more than a hundred pounds.”

“Ben, my age has nothing to do with my weight. I’m five foot nothing and I weigh a hundred and six pounds. That’s normal.”

Still frowning, he asked, “Then why does your mom think you have an eating disorder?”

“Because I never eat when I’m around her.” I said, then realized I’d have to explain. I proceeded to do so, awkwardly, trying to word it right. “I can’t… I just can’t eat when I’m near her. She stresses me out and it ties my stomach in knots. I can’t force anything down and I’m sure that if I did, it’d just come back up.”

“She’s your mom.” He said, obviously confused.

“And?”

“How can your own mother make you that tense?” He asked, and it wasn’t just confusion in his voice. It was downright incredulity and I realized he had something that I never did. A whole, loving family.

Sure, my dad had loved me and I’d never doubted it, but he hadn’t been around all that often. As the president of Sinclair Airlines, one of the country’s largest airlines, he’d been away on business more often than he’d been home. He’d come home for a couple days, devoting all his time to me, and to Tucker when he came along, before he’d leave for another month long trip. I’d probably spent the equivalent of half a year with him when he’d died.

“You’re close to your parents aren’t you?” I asked him, thinking of my loving, absent father and cool, detached mother. I’d never been close to either of them.

“Yes. I am.” His voice seemed to ask, aren’t all children?

“I’m not.” I said flatly. “My mother and I have never understood each other., and there really isn’t anything but animosity between the two of us.”

“Your father-”

“Was the president of a multi-billion dollar company. How often do you think he was home to run interference between me and my mother?”

I saw something flash across his face. Pity. I sighed. “Ben, my father loved us. I’ve never believed he didn’t. He just… forgot about us sometimes, I guess, in the stress of his job.”

He was silent for a few moments, before he spoke softly. “When you told me that story about your dad, sliding down banisters with you and taking you for ice cream, I just assumed that…”

“He was always there, everyday, to save me from the tutors and nannies?”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

I smiled at him gently. “Don’t be. It’s a natural assumption. Remember what I about people making him out to be perfect? How much I hated that?”

‘“Yes, it was just yesterday.” There was surprise in his voice.

I jolted. Just yesterday? Had it really only been one day since he’d taken me to the park with ice cream, after upsetting me? How could only one day have passed when it felt like months? Unease washed over me as I looked at Ben. This wasn’t right. Our relationship shouldn’t be moving this fast. I had to make it slow down.

I vowed to do so, but continued with my story for the moment. “Anyway, that’s what I was talking about. Everybody went on and on about how he was the perfect, devoted husband and father. And all the while, I just wanted to scream in their faces, to tell them that he’d been gone ninety percent of the time and how on earth could that be considered perfect?”

Ben reached over to take my hand again. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth.”

I shook my head and smiled at him. “Don’t be. Like I said, in his own way, he loved me and Tuck.”

His face went blank. “You’re mother’s name is Tuck?”

“…no. That’s my little brother’s name. Well, it‘s short for Tucker, anyway.” I gave him an odd look. Weren’t teachers supposed to know their students’ parents’ names? “My mother’s name is Susan.”

“Oh. I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“Yeah. He’s ten.” I said, a little hollowly, realization dawning. Ben and I knew nothing about each other. The things he knew were mostly bad and told under extreme stress, on my part. I vaguely remembered him saying both his parents were teachers. That was it. We didn’t know each others’ favorite colors, or movies. What type of music either of us listened to, or what our favorite foods were. All little things, really, but they added up to so much more. We were strangers. Yet here we were, holding hands in his car, after a date where we hadn’t said two words about ourselves.

I’d bought him a fifteen-thousand dollar painting! Horrified at myself, I slid my hand from Ben’s and turned my face to the window, squeezing my eyes shut on a flood of tears. How could I be so stupid? I’d let myself think we were going to have this wonderful, lasting relationship and I didn’t know a thing about him. For all I knew, he was just easing his way into my bed. Stupid, stupid, stupid, girl!

I was silent the rest of the trip, pretending not to notice the concerned glances Ben sent me. When he pulled up in front of my house, I quickly grabbed my purse and scrambled from the car. Ben cursed and fumbled with his seatbelt. “Elizabeth, damn it, wait until I come around with the umbrella. It’s raining!”

I paused, halfway out of the car, to turn and shoot him a smile. “I don’t mind the rain. I like it.” I got out the rest of the way and shut the door, then ran up the steps leading to the porch.

“Elizabeth! Wait!” I stopped but didn’t turn around at his muffled shout. I heard his door shut and waited on the porch, my back to the SUV. When his hand roughly gripped my arm to whirl me around, I gaped at him. He’d never been deliberately rough with me and I’d never seen him so furious.

“What the hell is your problem, Eliza?” He hissed at me.

“I- I don’t know what you mean, Ben. I just wanted to get inside. It’s raining.” I finished lamely, trying not to wince at the pressure on my arm.

His other hand came up and he gripped me with both, giving me a hard shake. “Don’t lie to me. You’ve been distant towards me since your mother called. I thought we’d gotten past that.”

I shook my head frantically as tears welled in my eyes. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re fine-”

“No, we’re not!” He was practically shouting. Abruptly, he let me go and whirled around to pace the porch. “You won’t let us be fine. Every time we move a little further, you take a step back! Do you know how frustrating that is?”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, rubbing my abused arms absently. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s it? No explanation. Just, ‘I’m sorry’?” Ben looked at me incredulously. “That’s not good enough. I want a reason, damn it!”

“I don’t have one!” I shouted back. I didn’t understand the feelings inside me. They were just too much and I didn't know what to do with it all. I only knew that I had to get away from him. “It’s too much. It’s just too much.”

“What are you talking about?” He seemed confused, but a light slowly dawned over his face. A face which became as hard and blank as a stone. “I see. My being your teacher has finally caught up with you, hasn’t it?”

I stared at him, not sure what he meant at first. Then it hit me and I sucked my breath in sharply. He thought I was backing off because I couldn’t deal with him being my teacher. I started to tell him differently but caught myself, thinking hard. Was I really ready for a serious relationship? I mean, hadn’t I been ready to slow things down? Why not cut it off completely, and save myself from complete heartache. Because that’s where it’s heading, I thought numbly. Did I really think a relationship between a student and her teacher was going to end in happily ever after? Stupid! We’d be caught and both our lives would be ruined, with nothing to show for it but a few groping kisses.

With a deep breath, I looked straight into his eyes. “Yes, I guess you can say it is.” I searched my mind frantically, trying to think of a reason why I’d change my outlook so quickly. When it hit me, I grasped at it eagerly. “It came to me while I was on the phone, when I told my mother I was an hour and a half away. An hour and a half, just to have one stupid date. It’s not worth it. The sneaking around isn‘t going to be worth it.”

I thought I saw hurt on Ben’s face, but the emotion was gone so quickly, I couldn’t be sure. His voice, when he spoke, chilled me to the bone. “I see. I’ll leave then.”

With that, he turned and marched carefully down the steps, into the rain. I turned to the door, unable to actually watch him leave, but waited, listening. His door opened and I waited for it be slammed shut. Instead, his voice carried through the rain to my ears. “It would have been worth it, Elizabeth. Love always is.”

I froze. Love? Was he saying he loved me? I started to turn around, to go to him, but my mind suddenly latched onto the rest of his sentence. It would have been worth it, he’d said. Would have. Not that it was, at least not anymore. So, I stayed where I was and listened to the slam of the car door and the roar of the engine as he drove away.

I slowly reached out and opened the door before carefully moving inside. I didn’t go any further, couldn’t go any further. My legs refused to support me and I fell back, against the door, slamming it shut. Slowly, inch by inch, I slid down the door until I sat on the floor with my knees drawn up to my chest. One phone call. Everything had changed with one call from my mother. I felt the tears begin to rush from my eyes, down my cheeks, and pressed my face into my knees.

I’d thought it through, hadn’t I? I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship! And it wasn’t worth the sneaking around. But even as I told myself these things, I wondered why it felt as if I’d thrown away the very best thing in my life. I wondered why my heart was breaking into pieces.

Oh, god! I straightened suddenly, horror evident on my face. I loved him! I’d actually fallen in love with him! I shook my head vehemently, whispering to myself, “No, no, no, no!”

I’d only known him for three weeks! There was no possible way I could have fallen in love with Ben in just three weeks. Don’t you believe in love at first sight, the voice in my head sneered at me. Didn’t you lock eyes with him that first day and feel the thunder rumble? Didn’t you see it coming?!

I groaned, covering my head with my arms. I loved Ben Gallagher. I loved Ben Gallagher and I’d thrown him away in a moment of blinding, idiotic panic! But that’s alright, I told myself, brightening a little. I’ll just tell him I panicked a little and pushed him away. He’ll understand. But his words came back to me. Would have. Which meant he didn’t think it was worth it anymore. I felt myself sink once more into sadness and felt a sob catch in my throat. No, I’d ruined everything. There was no going back.

Determined not to feel sorry for myself, I forced back the tears and raised my head to wipe them away.

“Elizabeth? What are you doing on the floor?” My mother’s voice.

I looked up, noting the confusion intruding on her frosty expression. Sighing, I pushed myself to my feet. “Nothing, Mother. Just… nothing.”

She opened her mouth, obviously about to push, but decided better of it. “Well, you’ve made it home in time.”

My gaze strayed to the grandfather clock that sat in the foyer and noticed that it was still five minutes until eight. I laughed, but the sound came out wrong. Like there was no life behind it. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

My mother gestured towards the sitting room, where Ben and I had sat just hours before, and said, “We can talk now, then. I want to be done with the entire business of it.”

“Alright.” I followed her into the sitting room and sat in the dainty white chair for a second time that day.

“First, Elizabeth,” My mother started to say, sitting on the sofa. “I’d like to apologize for what transpired between us before my trip to the Hamptons. I assure you that I never meant to lash out at you in violence.”

I shrugged, sending her a smirk. “The bruises have healed. All is forgiven.”

She chose not to comment on my sarcasm. “Thank you. Now, the matter I want to speak to you about is extremely important… ”

With every word that slipped from her mouth, my shock increased. When she stopped speaking, I stared at her for few minutes before I could find my voice, which came out in a very loud shriek, “You’re doing what?!”